Praying for a 2nd miracle - ICSI #8

[Lanee]

Omg .. must get off Google ... I’ve just been researching embryo grades and now it has me worried about whether the best 2 have gone in ... beyond the grading, there are other considerations that I hadn’t realised like how symmetrical it is and how compacted the cells are. Anyway I need to stop thinking about it as they have been chosen now and hopefully will continue to do well inside me. Signing off and it’s going to be a very very long 2WW.


Luckily I have a lot to do over the next week so hope that will keep me busy and my mind off things.

[FertilityFriends]

[Lanee]

2dp3dt

Had a lovely (hot and super windy) day yesterday celebrating my dad’s 70th birthday. Was so lovely to be with family and see my parents happy. It was a super busy day running around getting the balloons, cake etc. But it was nice to stay distracted for the entire day.

Today I also had a lovely day for the most part. Went shopping with hubby to buy a few things before we leave Oz and take advantage of the Black Friday (extended to Monday by all the retailers here) sale.

But unfortunately I also got the update on my remaining embryos and it was really disappointing. I was hoping for one good one but the 6A became a morula, 8B became an early blast but with not many cells and the last 8B became an expanded blast but with no cells in the trophectoderm so both of them sound out of the running. Against the clinic’s advice, I decided to freeze the morula today rather than letting it grow out. Maybe it is false hope but I have never had any embryos do well on day 6 so thought it would be better just to freeze it as is.

So pretty disappointed but also think I made the right decision to transfer on day 3. Let’s hope one (or both) of these are growing well and are healthy embryos. I felt a few twinges and cramps today but feel it is too early to be anything real so likely the side effects of the progesterone. I’m trying to stay positive in that we did select the best two to go back in and didn’t leave anything on the table so to speak. But it is also hard not to feel like maybe I just had a bad batch. I’m overthinking everything for sure so need to try and chill and distract myself again. Well ... onto day 3 tomorrow which is only equivalent to 1dp5dt 😱😅

[Lanee]

3dp3dt


Wow, what a difference one day makes!


Had a lovely day today...had lunch with a friend, who incidentally was the same friend who had their wedding the day after baby boy was transferred 2 years ago so hoping she will bring me some good luck. We had such a good chat that I ended up walking her back to her place in the heat today - boy oh boy has it been hot here in Oz.


After lunch, I called the embryologist to find out how my embryos are progressing and to my surprise, the embryo that was an early blast with not many cells became an expanded blast rated BB (4BB) AND the other one which was an expanded blast with no cells in the trophectoderm became a 4AB. So both were frozen! Seriously I have never had any embryos frozen on day 6 - this has been a total surprise for me. I could tell the embryologist was annoyed that I made them freeze the day 5 morula yesterday but I am still happy with my decision given my past experience. I just wanted to have something frozen and we still let 2 of them progress to day 6 and luckily got 2 more to freeze. Part of me wants to say this cycle is the best cycle yet in terms of number of embryos I have gotten to freeze (which is true) but then, it can't be the best cycle if it doesn't end with a live birth so I guess it's really too early to say.

The challenge now is that I will be flying back to Asia next Monday and have no idea with COVID when I could come back for transfer (if the twinnies didn't implant). I know I'm crazy and I'm such a super planner but I'm thinking about 3 things right now:


Best case, the twinnies implant and I get that BFP - then I need to ensure I have enough progesterone taken back with me to Asia.
Worst case, the twinnies implant and don't progress OR don't implant at all and I need another cycle/transfer. In this case, I've been considering a few options too:


1) With COVID, could I get the frozen embies shipped to Asia so I could do a FET in the interim? No idea who to talk to to evaluate the feasibility of this ...
2) Could I get the meds for a new fresh cycle and/or FET so that the minute the borders do open up, I could start another cycle and fly back for collection and transfer? If I proceed with a FET, I'd like to do a medicated one as I'm not confident with how my body reacted and the timing of the natural FET last time around. I feel like that was a contributing factor to why my last FET didn't work - I wasn't confident my lining with thick enough and I wasn't sure that we got the timing right either so am still feeling a bit bitter about the missed opportunity with my normal tested embryo ... anyway, I need to let that go and focus on these two embies inside me ... really hope they have expanded and will begin to implant tomorrow.


Symptom wise - absolutely nothing to report today. Maybe 1-2 twinges but really feel just like normal. I did lift baby boy a lot as I took him for his Santa photo today (he was scared of Santa    and clung to me and wouldn't let go!). Really ended up having such a great day and am feeling so much more positive and hopeful.
Onto 4dp3dt (slowly inching forward) - I have acupuncture tomorrow so hope that helps and these embies implant 

[Lanee]

4dp3dt

Quick symptom watch update - nothing much to report today, very occasional twinges on my left ovary and at one stage I thought I felt some light crampy feeling but probably was overthinking that one. One weird symptom I did notice is that my nipples were a little itchy today (sorry this just sounds so weird to type out nipples 🤪) and i had this in my successful cycle. But who knows if it is because the weather is dry at the moment or if it’s just the progesterone side effects.

Apart from that, had my final acupuncture session for this cycle today. Was a little sad to tell my acupuncturist that it was my last one as she has been lovely to chat to each time and just really reassuring and positive.

And got through to the nursing team to discuss preparing meds for both the best & worst case scenarios so will find out tomorrow if all is ok to organise. They also confirmed my OTD is 13dp3dt so Fri 11 Dec. Hubby has told me that he is happy to wait until 14dp3dt so we can test on the Saturday exactly the same timing we did with our successful cycle 😅. Well since my period has arrived every time we have had a BFN, maybe it’s ok since if it hasn’t arrived it might be a positive sign. The only challenge is this time around I’m using Crinone vs endometrin so not sure if my body will behave the same way as I know a lot of women don’t get their period even with a bfn. 😢 anyway - still early days ... let’s see how we go.

[Lanee]

5dp3dt

I really don’t know how I’ve gotten through this 2WW each time before. I’m trying hard to keep busy but every minute I’m checking my body for signs. When I don’t feel anything, I’m worried that nothing is happening. When I do feel something, I’m worried it’s a bad sign. Like seriously can’t win.

Anyway, I haven’t been sleeping well the past couple of nights - not sure if it is anxiety or a bad sign (because apparently an increase in progesterone is supposed to make you sleepy😬). And last night for the first time since being pregnant, I had really restless legs in bed. Of course that sent me off to google in the middle of the night to figure out if it is a sign but it is not (usually only in the 3rd trimester so um ... no....😂)

Today, I would say for 90% of the day I just felt normal. But occasionally I felt like I had that light period cramp feeling in my belly. I’m trying not to read into it - I hope it is a positive sign but reading my old entries, it could very well be my early period symptoms or the progesterone. 🙄

I called the nurses today to see if they have arranged the meds for my trip and nothing has been arranged yet. Feeling a little stressed that I will run out of time as if I don’t hear back by tomorrow, it will be hard to get it all organised in time. Fingers crossed it all works out tomorrow.

[Lanee]

I wasn't sure whether to post this but mentally I feel like I'm in a weird place at the moment. Obviously I really want that BFP but at the same time, I am so so so in love with baby boy... I can't imagine how I can stretch myself and juggle another baby, between work and being a wife too.


I keep questioning myself - do I really want this? I know I do because of the disappointment I felt when we weren't successful and the way I feel when others in my mother's group announce their pregnancy. I know I want it for baby boy to ensure he has a sibling. But at the same time, I wonder if I can get through those first 12 months which are so hard. I wonder if my marriage can sustain the stress. I wonder if I have the capacity to love both children equally. I wonder if I have the capacity to manage everything. I wonder if I just want that BFP as I have an A type personality so want to succeed at anything I do (and questions what my deeper motivation is). I have so many questions on my mind. I know it's so weird to be feeling this while already being PUPO.


But like I said, if I got a BFN, I know I'd feel devastated. So I know it's something I want. I know I'll find a way to cope and deal with all those worries. And already I'm planning to try again in case I do end up with a BFN. it's just been something that occasionally plays on my mind when I lay in bed and I suppose is the one thing that has been very different versus previous cycles when we were trying for baby #1.


I know if we are lucky enough to have another baby, I will love him/her more than anything so I really questioned whether to write this in black and white but I guess I wanted to get it off my chest. And I'm glad I did because even in this short space of time in writing this, it has helped me to straighten out all my thoughts and I know we would love another baby more than anything. Another day down ... off to bed!

[Lanee]

6dp3dt

So I saw the tiniest speck of blood today - maybe a pinpoint in the morning when I wiped but trying to put it out of my mind. Hoping it was from the progesterone irritating my cervix.

Symptom wise I feel pretty much nothing. A few period like cramps here and there but have been super busy rushing around today from catching up with my mother’s group to rushing around shopping and then taking baby boy to the park. The day has gone quickly and I nearly forgot to take the morning progesterone dose. Luckily I remembered about an hour late so should be ok I hope. I am feeling pretty tired but likely that is from the rushing around and lack of sleep the past few nights.

The FS did call me today to discuss my best case and worst case scenarios and is happy to prescribe all the meds for me to bring back to Asia for both options. I guess I just need to decide how much money I want to put into it and buy now given we don’t know what the outcomes may be. I don’t think I will purchase the Saizen yet as it is just so expensive but maybe the Synarel, Luveris and Gonal F which should set me back around $120 which is definitely manageable. She has also suggested that I need to stay on Clexane until 12 weeks if I am indeed pregnant. I’m still really unsure whether the Clexane is needed and was thinking just to do it until I got a BFP but I don’t know .... I guess I will cross that bridge if and when I get to it.

I’m feeling hopeful but at the same time anxious that it may be a bfn. Scared that I’m just being hopeful because we replicated a day 3 transfer that I somehow believe it’s going to be successful first time around. It’s that first time back naïve belief that I remember I had for my first and second cycles. But I am anxious because rationally, I know how IVF goes and the likelihood it will be successful first time around is really low.

Again, happy to be at the end of another day. Onto the weekend - my last weekend here in Oz for I don’t know how long especially with Covid 😥

[Lanee]

7dp3dt

So I think I’m out .... saw a tiny bit of pink this morning and in all previous cycles as soon as I see pink, it’s all over in the next couple of days. Hoping it is cervix irritation but on previous occasions I’ve seen pink around this time too. Scared to go to the toilet now for fear that I see more blood

Don’t feel pregnant at all feeling sad about it. I was hopeful for a few days and then it disappeared last night and this morning. Like somehow I just know there is nothing inside me anymore. I know I need to stay positive until it is 100% certain but it’s hard. I look at baby boy and am so grateful we made it somehow. I know it would be even harder if we were trying for #1 so I know I can’t feel too sorry for myself. Well let’s hope it is implantation bleeding and that this round I’m experiencing different symptoms but I am starting to feel more and more like my period is arriving

[Lanee]

7dp3dt (continued)

So I didn’t see any more spotting today but when I look back at my failed cycle it was exactly the same until the equivalent of lunch time tomorrow when I saw more brown spotting. So will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow. The nurse tried to reassure me that it might be the crinone irritating my cervix but who knows. I looked back to my successful cycle and I was commenting that I was feeling bloated by this stage, no spotting and was feeling tired.

This time around, I’ve seen a tiny bit of spotting and I’m feeling tired (but that’s expected when you have a 16mth old) and no bloating or cervical mucus or any signs.

Still have a little tiny incy wincy bit of hope inside - not too much cramping yet (but definitely the occasional feeling especially on the left side) so let’s see tomorrow. Unfortunately since I had a baby, I don’t normally get pre-menstrual cramps anymore. Only feel it when my full blown period is here so it’s really hard to say which way this cycle will go.

Feeling a little flat and binged on junk food tonight - only 2 sleeps before we leave Oz and feeling really uncertain that this cycle worked One minute i feel like my period is about to arrive, the next minute I feel totally normal (like feeling the skinniest I have been in some time - my belly is flatter than usual at the moment) which is also scary as I don’t feel pregnant at all and then for a split second I will have a tiny bit of hope when I don’t see any further spotting...

Anyway, really am exhausted... could have slept 2h ago but was printing all the documents for our travel (so many approvals & declarations required to travel during Covid times 🤦🏻‍♀️)

[Lanee]

8dp3dt
Slowly getting closer to OTD. Woke up feeling a little nauseous but I think it was just because I was hungry. Am definitely feeling a little more tired. Feeling a little more hopeful today as I haven’t seen any more spotting as of yet but it’s so hard to know. I think tomorrow and Tuesday will be the more telling days in terms of my period arriving but who knows if the crinone is just doing a better job than the endometrin did.

I have a few spotted headaches here and there and also feeling hot from time to time (a couple of times I wondered whether the hot flushes from when I was taking the Synarel were back). Period like cramping is occasionally there but generally I’m just feeling pretty normal. Fingers crossed at least one of these embies has stuck.

Today is going to be a hectic day as it is our last full day in Oz. Need to do all the final packing (eep... we have so much stuff) and catching up with some friends for lunch. Also need to buy a few last minute things before we head off so lots to squeeze in.

Tomorrow will be hectic as well as I need to drive out to the clinic pharmacy to pick up meds before we fly out. In some ways it is good to leave it to the last day as it gives another day to see whether AF might show up (hopefully not). I’ve decided that if I see more brown spotting/period signs I will purchase the Saizen before leaving. But if I don’t see any signs then I will leave the Saizen for now as each vial is so darn expensive. I’m not sure whether it helped - it’s so hard to say as we changed a few different things at the same time but I think I would still use some for the next cycle if I have to try again.