* Author Topic: Egg freezing - am I clutching at straws?  (Read 902 times)

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Offline MrsC83

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Egg freezing - am I clutching at straws?
« on: 15/08/18, 18:08 »
Hi everyone,

Iím in a really tricky situation - any thoughts would be appreciated!

Iím about to turn 35 - DH is similar age. Unexplained, TTC for about 3 years. Weíve had one fresh cycle and 3 subsequent FETs from it - all BFNs. Still 2 Frosties in the freezer but after a year since last BFN we decided to have a break.

During this last year DH has thrown himself into starting a business. Things between us arenít terrible, but theyíre not great either. The IVF has put a hell of a strain on us. We had some marriage counselling but it was mostly about communication/self esteem issues and how to reconnect with each other. I think we skirted around future fertility treatment. He now wants the IVF break to be permanent and to get on with our lives, although maybe in future he might feel differently. I just donít know what I want.

On one hand, if it ends up that we have no children and just each other (plus cat and dog!) I can see myself being happy regardless. Itís not what I originally wanted but I think I can find happiness through each other and travel. But would I look back and resent stopping at 35? If thatís the case I have no time to lose and should just leave him. The thought of doing that breaks my heart too.

I feel like there have been quite a few stories in the media about egg freezing - not all positive as it seems the overall results arenít greasy. But the one thing that they consistently say is the younger you freeze the better. If I was to do it ASAP it would take the pressure off myself and my marriage to try and have a bit of a nicer time together while we decide. And the other side is that if things donít work out then I have options that wonít be available if I donít do it now.

Or am I kidding myself that thereís a third way, and do I just need to decide between a slim chance of children and my marriage?

I donít feel like I can talk to anyone and get a balanced answer. My friends with kids would say leave him, friends without would say stay. I canít trust my heart or my head!!!

If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it
Xxxx

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    Offline DutchSasky

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    Egg freezing - am I clutching at straws?
    « Reply #1 on: 16/08/18, 12:05 »
    So sorry you are having such a hard time of it! ^hugme^.
    I am not sure what to advice but I didn't want to read and run. It's a difficult situation.
    Some things I thought of:

    Do you have counselling yourself? Since you say you are not sure and could see yourself happy either way, the counsellor could help you sorting those feelings out.

    Also, you say things are not great between you two, do you think this will get better with time? Also, if you haven't discussed your fertility issues in counselling, it might be a good idea to revisit and discuss the impact of infertility on your life? Or maybe you can try talking about it between yourselves? Not sure if that is possible?

    Your thought about having no time to loose and therefore leaving him - if were to do this, would you then go it alone and look for a donor or would you then search a new partner to do this with? What about reversing the thought: you leave him because you want a child but you remain childless for whatever reason, would you then resent having left him?

    If your husband wants to move on, would he support you freezing your eggs? Since you might need more rounds to come to a 'comfortable' reserve, you might still be hormonal and pretty pre-occupied with the whole process. You won't have the 2ww (and those are the worst of course) so there might be a little more relaxed but it still might have quite an impact on your daily life for a few months. Also, if this is your 'last chance' to have a child, you might want to consider doing some additional tests (like genetics etc) if you haven't done this already.

    Also, if you are deciding on freezing eggs, make sure you also get the best counselling on that and make sure you have the best information - since you are unexplained infertile, how big are the chances that something is wrong with the eggs? How many eggs would you need for a reserve? Is fertility really declining this much between 35 and 40 (I have read an article recently that claimed that  there is not much difference in fertility in your mid-30s and your early 40s, and that if you are planning to wait a few years only, it might not be worth it.)

    these are just some of my thoughts - not sure they help. Part of the problem with infertility is that there is always something else to try, some other clinic to go to some other option, that you can go on forever, so knowing when to stop is the hardest thing.
    I wish you all the best with the decision!!

    Offline bombsh3ll

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    Egg freezing - am I clutching at straws?
    « Reply #2 on: 18/08/18, 13:29 »
    It's a difficult one and only you can decide, but having had 3 rounds of IVF myself, I think as a woman it is something you only do if you REALLY want a child, not just if you are ambivalent. The fact that you've done all that already and are thinking about freezing eggs rather than moving on, suggests you do really want to be a mother.

    As you are unexplained, it may not even be you, and you may stand a good chance of conceiving naturally with someone else, however it doesn't sound as if it would be worth jacking in a relationship you've worked hard at on the off chance.

    You are right in that egg freezing has MUCH lower success rates than going to fertilisation and freezing embryos. The latter do much better at surviving the vitrification/thaw process undamaged. At 35, even the healthiest woman's eggs are probably not really worth freezing unfertilised.

    If you are seriously considering freezing, I would look at using donor sperm to create embryos for freezing - your husband does not need to know about this, it could just be your own personal insurance policy, or doing half and half eg freeze half as eggs in case you do want a small chance at conceiving with a future partner, and half donor in case either the eggs don't survive thaw or you decide to go it alone.

    The other thing I would say is how bothered are you about having the option of a baby at some point, vs being bothered about genetics. I personally wasn't concerned about DNA, and if using your own eggs isn't a dealbreaker, you could still do nothing at this point and just know that DE/double donation remain an option for many years to come (usually about age 50 dep on where you go) should your circumstances change.

    Best wishes,

    B x

    Offline Tincancat

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    Egg freezing - am I clutching at straws?
    « Reply #3 on: 19/08/18, 01:01 »
    I froze eggs after I split from my ex after losing my first set of twin boys at 20 weeks and and ex didn't want to try again.  I wish I'd frozen embryos with donor sperm because although eggs defrosted OK and formed embryos got BFN.  Had to switch to double donor at the age of 45 on my own.  I preferred to go solo than spend my life with him and childless.  If I'd not had children on my own I'd still prefer to have got out of marriage.  You have to try see what's a priority for you.   A single childless life or solo mum might not be the right choice for you.  I never met anyone else because my age meant men I met often had families and didn't want to have babies again.
    TCCx