* Author Topic: Carpe ovum (seize the egg) - sibling journey (ICSI cycle 2 w/ PGS = baby boy!)  (Read 17415 times)

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Offline Liz3511

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First beta is in ...

151 on 13dpo / 8dp5dt

That seems to be a solid number. Of course, I've been here before and it's all gone wrong, but at least we are off the starting blocks.

Repeat beta on Thursday morning. Hoping to double, and ideally more than double.

 ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^

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    Offline Liz3511

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    I really need to stop using pregnancy tests. Admittedly, it's the cheap internet ones, but I swear this morning's are lighter than last night's.

    I should probably stop reading stories about PGS miscarriages as well!

    Offline Liz3511

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    Am writing a lecture on the existential perspective on personality. Satre was wrong; hell isn't other people. It's early pregnancy.

    Did an FRER this evening and the test line looks darker than the control. Do I dare hope? Another HCG draw tomorrow morning; should find out in the evening what the verdict is.

    Offline Liz3511

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    So, the news is semi-good. Hcg rose from 151 to 393 - giving just under a 35 hour doubling time.

    NHS consultant is happy with this, but for my successful pregnancies the doubling time was faster than this at this stage. Having said that, for the failed pregnancies the doubling was slower than this, and the betas started lower, so really ... who the f*ck knows what will happen?

    I have begged my way to two more beta hcg draws, on Saturday and on Monday. I am lucky to have a very sympathetic NHS consultant who either does not notice that I am currently certifiably insane, or chooses to politely look the other way  ;D

    I spent most of my afternoon at my desk sobbing - although I broke off to give a lecture and meet 2 students.

    I also hit google scholar, big time, to look at the predictive value of doubling times. I'll include some useful links and info in my next post in case they're of any use to anyone ...

    Offline Liz3511

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    Next beta only 778, so doubling time has massively slowed down to over 48 hours.

    Yes, for other people this might be 'normal' but this is how my last two pregnancies ended, to the letter. In my 3 successful pregnancies, my betas have doubled / tripled consistently all the way up to about 45-70k. It is the only pattern of success I know.

    I have lost 5 f*cking pregnancies, and this will be number 6.

    1 - saw heartbeat, lost near the end of first trimester.
    2 - 5/6 week loss
    3 - 5/6 week loss
    4 - blighted ovum (7 week loss)
    5 - blighted ovum (7 week loss)
    6 - well who knows what I will write here? most likely chemical pregnancy.

    I can't bear any more false reassurance from medical professionals or from folks who have never had a miscarriage. I know this makes me awful and bitter, but it's the truth.

    There's no pain quite like this one. It's so familiar but it never feels any easier.


    Offline Liz3511

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    What do I do now? What do I try?

    Things I have been tested for and which therefore don't explain why a fit, healthy woman in her mid-thirties would have a history of 6 frigging miscarriages:

    - clotting disorders: all clear. I was on aspirin /clexane anyhow.
    - uterine structural anomalies: all clear. I even have a snazzy DVD of my uterus from Serum showing it  ;)
    - chromosomes: P and I have normal karyotypes. These embryos were PGS tested.
    - thyroid: normal range; I have been taking 50mcg levothyroxine to keep it just below 1 nevertheless.
    - infectious causes: none, to my knowledge, certainly not acute infections (in which case, they wouldn't explain recurrent losses). Have been treated for the somewhat dubious Serum hidden infections - did not result in a successful pregnancy, just a miscarriage and a BFN.
    - hormonal: I don't appear to have PCOS although I have a reasonable ovarian reserve. I suppose I could test testosterone but doubt anything significant would show up - moreover, estrogen and progesterone were artificially controlled this time.
    - cervical weakness: not relevant to my types of losses.

    Should I go down the money-haemorrhaging, yellow-brick-road of reproductive immunology? Would we do better with donor embryos?

    If anyone has any ideas, please PM me. Contemplating the complete lack of remaining investigations is terrifying.


    Offline Liz3511

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    Final post of the day - sorry for so many.

    "Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift"

    After my first 3 miscarriages, it took me years to feel like this ^ about them, but I eventually did. However, I was fully aware that I only had the luxury of doing so because I had had successful pregnancies since.

    What if the box of darkness is where this chapter ends, the same ending over and over again? Should I eventually just climb into the box?

    Offline Liz3511

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    Terrifyingly, I think this may be where we give up. Because at the moment, keeping going without a reason for this is more terrifying than stopping. Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.

    And it's clear that my lovely consultant does not know very much about recurrent loss. Or women with PTSD who have experienced it. He kept going on about a scan at 7 weeks as if I hadn't told him it was over. Sadly, he'll learn how wrong he is.

    Offline Liz3511

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    NHS consultant appointment tomorrow, with the (final?) beta blood test as well.

    For the week after next, I plan to see whether I can get an appointment to discuss things with a different consultant at the Evewell - both P and I will try to make sure we attend. Will be good to discuss where we are. We both feel that we can't morally leave the PGS normal embryos to perish, but I'm just so sad and hurt at the moment that going through everything all over again sounds like torture. Will be good to hear their perspective on what they think may have happened, and what the odds are of it happening again. Plus any investigations they would suggest to try to make sure that my 'soil' (uterus) is really as good as possible going forward.

    I was really cross with P because he has booked to be at work nearly all of the weekend, despite knowing that this news was likely to come yesterday (he is an optimist and says that he genuinely didn't expect it). However, I think we have regrouped. We absolutely have to go forward as a team, keeping in mind our existing many blessings, otherwise everything is lost.

    On reflection, about giving up: I've beaten you before miscarriage. I can bloody beat you again.

    Offline Liz3511

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    So, a slightly unexpected update. I have been hibernating for the last couple of weeks - apologies for the sudden radio silence.

    The follow up hcg draw showed an increased doubling rate (went from 778 to 1844 in 49 hours). So I continued to just take my meds and decided to step away from the forum, from further beta hcg blood tests etc. and try and find a place of less stress.

    I had an ultrasound this lunchtime, which showed a tiny embryo with a beating heart. Gestational and yolk sacs looked normal. CRL dated 6 weeks 3 days (I am 6+2 today).

    There is a very, very long way to go and sadly we have lost a baby after seeing a heartbeat before. There will be further scans but today, it seems, I am still pregnant.

    Sending good wishes to anyone reading xx