* Author Topic: DH or baby? where do i start?  (Read 1400 times)

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Offline Alex1979

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DH or baby? where do i start?
« on: 23/09/18, 08:33 »
so as you can see by my signature ive been through the mill, so now im in the situation where i cant do IVF again, not only for the money but im loosing my mind, i cant even begin to describe the abuse and suffering i have had to endure from loosing my eyesight to throwing up 2-11 times a day due to the meds, the rashes, shakes and weight gain, to being accused of stealing from the NHS (nice GP receptionist shouting at me for asking for a private script in from of a waiting room full of people) being refused treatment for being british (yes this happened in kent) to being given the wrong results so i paid thousands more than i needed,  i have paid 26k and im still in debt and no matter how much i pray beg or barter with God nothing seems to work

so now this is it, we had our son last year and now DH is done he refuses to adopt, do donor foster nothing, i DO NOT want my son to grow up alone, my family is split and i hate it, not to mention the fact i have always wanted a big family to which he agreed with until now. i also WILL NOT feel guilty for that or justify my self to anyone in why i want another kid, this is why we dont speak to family, they get very angry with me like i should be greatful with what ive got, and i am but i have paid my bloody dues and after what ive been through i deserve what i have because i sacrificed everything for my son, but how much more do i have to do

i love DH but he has never helped or paid for IVF, he has never done anything to improve his swimmers so how can he complain he dosent want someone elses kid, he changed his mind not me, i have mentioned this for years, that i cant do this anymore and he always said one more go, one more go, but now i dont know what to do

he dosent know ive tested early and this round has failed, but how can i make him understand its just a baby what do i do, give up my dream for him, i have tried to give him a family but i cant do it, and if he wont help im thinking ill just do it anyway, but i dont want to loose him or have him treat this baby differently

also how does the process work, i have seen free online websites that you inseminate yourself, is there any tips with this please, at least if i have a bit of knowledge about this then when we have our chat next week i can give him some facts

thank you for reading - a very tired and very lost me xx

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    Offline aster10

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    DH or baby? where do i start?
    « Reply #1 on: 23/09/18, 09:43 »
    Stay strong! But I am thinking about the fact that heís never helped with the IVF and youíre now thinking about donor insemination. It makes me a bit concerned that maybe itís a road to separation and divorce. Is it something that you would be able to consider, maybe being for a little while a single mum of two? Or potentially freezing your eggs without the sperm (you know, I would recommend FIV Marbella for that and happy to chat about this) and go back on the dating scene potentially? Tough questions, I am sorry I am asking them. Also could I ask if itís definitely BFN (I got a little lost in the dates) as sometimes there are late bfps?

    Online Stacey10

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    DH or baby? where do i start?
    « Reply #2 on: 23/09/18, 09:48 »
    ((Hugs)) you definitely donít have to justify why you want another child or two or three etc, you know what you want, your heart knows what it wants, just because you want another child doesnít mean your not greatful for the son you have ei5her.
    I donít think your dh has been very fair to you, he has sort of enabled you, without any type of support. Either financially or emotionally by the sounds of it. He needs to realise how deeply you want this, I hate the way the men think that what they say is the be all and end all.... once they have finished/had enough we are supposed to just take it on the chin and stop, no matter how we feel  :-\
    Does he realise if you stop now you will end up by resenting him down the track? Maybe itís time to really sit down and put the cards down on the table and be honest with him regarding your feelings. It would be a selfish man who wouldnít take this into account, and a baby is a baby no matter how it arrives.

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    DH or baby? where do i start?
    « Reply #3 on: 23/09/18, 15:46 »
    Did i understand this: your husband didnt support you in any way, but he wanted a child and was saying "one more go" several times?
    Why wouldn't he support you financially?

    Offline Alex1979

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    DH or baby? where do i start?
    « Reply #4 on: 23/09/18, 18:51 »
    he said he coudnt afford it!!!!! on cycle 6 i lost the plot, i complained about a doctor not scanning me or helping me the only women doc in kent (i wont let any male doc touch me for personal reasons) i was getting NHS funding, i had a meeting with her and was begging her for help i said i went to czech but didnt have EC so there needs to be a reason why, so she contacted admin and half way through my treatment i get a call saying unless i paid 2k it would stop, this was my FET cycle, that i was trying to con the NHS they would get rid of my embryo etc they were awful to me,and also lying, a cycle has to inc EC i found out later, so i had to use my CCard, since then DH pays all the rent because i had to sell my stuff to help fund it aswell as doing a shed load of overtime!

    its so hard, he adores me but financially i always will be and always have been on my own, i know hes selfish like that but i never would think he would let our boy grow up alone, in Czech i pay about £900 for mini IVF and then another 2k for flights hotel drugs scans everything so its affordable, but he has no idea of the suffering i went through to get our boy.

    my OTD is on friday but i have always had a BFP from 5dp, so deep down i know its over, i would never date anyone again, im so sick of all this crap why do men feel differently, sometimes i think hes not even bothered, but when we got our sticky BFP he sobbed for about 10mins and all the way through my pregnancy he was there even working 12hr nights he was at every scan and gives me money every month by working overtime every week, he loves us, and has made a lot of dick moves, but maybe i have too, i dont know, i cant afford to freeze eggs or have any other treatment, i cant afford to go back to work (childcare and petrol will be £1300 a month) plus i dont think my body could take anymore

    we need to have the talk this weekend im just scared he wont budge, i dont know how to tell him this is what i will do regardless without giving him a chance to change

    thank you for talking to me xx 

    Offline ClaireCupcake

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    DH or baby? where do i start?
    « Reply #5 on: 24/09/18, 17:26 »
    Hi

    I have to say I'm disgusted the NHS have no respect for the life of already created unborn babies. And not just already created, children they deliberately created themselves! Their lack of responsibility is an awful example. They have a duty of care to ensure their survival. This is why I would personally never use the NHS nor contribute any money to them.

    I'm also sorry that you spent so much on this. I would've assumed a couple would jointly contribute to IVF for a child they intend to raise together. If he can't afford to contribute to IVF how will he afford the child. You need to discuss this with your husband before doing anything. As he will automatically be the legal father if you have the child while married. Consider how you'd feel if he divorced you while pregnant, to eliminate any financial duty to the child. Personally if I was married & this became an issue I'd put having a child above having a husband. Although I might offer the option of divorce & releasing them from financial obligation. But keeping the relationship. I know a lot of people might consider their husband as letting them down if they didn't agree to donor sperm being used. But I'd see it as a good test of how strong their loyalty & love is. You can't force someone to agree with you, but you can communicate to find out why they may not agree & perhaps reach a compromise.

    You also need to think about how you'd support yourself if you did divorce. If you have a child over 5, you'd be legally required to find work, even if pregnant.

    Offline Alex1979

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    DH or baby? where do i start?
    « Reply #6 on: 24/09/18, 20:18 »
    this is what im scared of. i have been loyal to him by suffering the abuse and all the side effects of the meds for 5 years, i dont want to loose him and the guilt he feels from having to have us go through this is clear to see, plus the embarrassment of not being able to  "perform" but its just a baby, will he treat them differently, will he regret it and it finally breaks us, i dont want to be in this situation like he doesn't either but if we dont try surley that will be worse!

    hes coming home early on friday so we can test together, and then who knows. if i have to be alone, i have the job i can get to support me and the kids but ill move back home as i have no family where i live now just his mam, but i suppose only time will tell