Pregnancy and Parenting after Infertility > Moving On- For Those with Children

Itís all so final....


Hi All,

Just wanting to get this all off my chest I think...after 14 years of treatment, an ectopic pregnancy and several miscarriages and failed IVF treatment we were finally bless with our little boy 2 years ago.  He really is the love of our lives and we were lucky enough to have 9 top grades frozen embryos although it was never initially in the plan to try again...
I sadly lost my mum suddenly last year and really suffered and struggled to get back on my feet but finally got myself in a good place after years of loss and stress (I also lost my dad and brother to cancer in this time)
After much discussion after the sale of mums house and having the money there to do it we finally decided to have 1 try only for a sibling, I did have my doubts, I was worried how I would cope with 2 with little external support, Iím 45years old this year and that played on my mind plus my. One was so strong with my little boy I was worried how that would be affected...all normal concerns I guess! Off we went to Cyprus for the FET, normally the clinic defrost in bathes for 3 and pick the best 2 to transfer, very last minute and on the basis that it was only and last go we decided to take all 9 out transferring the best 2 and leaving the other 7 to perish...

Fast forward to test day and I get my BFP, all concerns etc went completely out of the window, we were overjoyed and all I could picture was my DS (who seems to have gone from a baby to a toddler overnight!) playing with his brother or sister on holiday in the swimming pool, big family meals etc! Long story short last week after a bit of spotting and slow rising HCG the pregnancy was discovered in my one and only remaining tube which ruptured and they managed to safely remove...

I get as though I was living on Adrenalin for days but now the come down has begun and I feel so so sad that this all now so final! I feel selfish as we had given up on family completely before out beautiful son and know that we are so so lucky to have him but some pregnancy announcements the last few days have me feeling like I did before I had him which has surprised me, is this still early days? Iím very emotional today to say the least and feel so sorry for my son who will not have a playmate 😩

Sorry for the long post and thank you in advance for reading xxx

Sorry that you've found yourself in such a sad and difficult place. Life is so cruel & unfair. You've suffered hugely with losses and now got a glimmer of hope only to have all those dreams wiped out.
The desire to experience a second child is one that I'd never imagined would be on a par with the journey to get a first. Yet, I actually found it harder to be faced with infertility once a part of the baby world.

It's early days so try to be kind to yourself and not feel you need to move forwards until you've had a chance to allow yourself to be sad/angry etc. It's normal to feel sad & broken but bit by bit you will find ways to get stronger. Hopefully you've got some friends who will be aware of how you must be feeling and do their best to support you.

Those sad experiences will always be part of you but I hope you can remind yourself of the good that you do have and allow the laughter and joy of your little one to carry you & your heart forwards.
Hugs xx

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It isn't wrong or greedy just because you've been incredibly blessed once to hope for another chance. Most people get to choose how many children they have. Be kind to yourself during this time of grief.

I too had to let healthy embryos perish in Cyprus for different reasons on my first cycle - clinic didn't have vitrification, only old style freezing with very poor odds of thaw so no point, only found that out on day of transfer.

I don't mean to pick at a scab that's only just starting to heal, but if you still had frosties left, would you have opted for another transfer at this point? Ironically with no tubes (they were probably damaged hence the tendency to ectopics), you are probably in the best physical position you've ever been for a successful transfer.

Also guessing given your age & treatment in Cyprus, that your frosties were DE? If you were/are already comfortable with DE, would the option of double donor/embryo adoption be a possibility? It is a fraction of the cost of fresh, if you still have any of your mum's money left.

Sorry if you're in a place where you just need to put a line under it mentally & move on. I physically cannot carry again as I had placenta accreta, so it was taken out of my hands completely. I was sad, but also glad for the certainty. No deliberations. I imagine it is harder when theoretically some possibility remains.

There are too, advantages to just one child. The closeness. More time, love & resources to go around. I was also an only child & I did envy people with siblings, but my closest friends had only sibs that were many years older, may as well have been an aunt or an uncle, & the ones who were close in age, often couldn't stand each other.

I wish you peace, whatever is in store for your little family.

B x


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