* Author Topic: Hubby says heís too old, but I canít accept it.  (Read 1236 times)

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Offline mrsfilm

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Hi Folks,

DH and I have a little embryo chilling since we conceived our DD. She is now 2.

I would like to go back and see what happens with a FET, but DH has said heís too old (47) and doesnít want too. Iím 40.

I canít seem to accept his decision. We have a potential little life sitting there and I canít walk away from what might be.

I donít know what to do and Iím worried about will happen when one of us eventually makes their final stand.

I should add he has 3 older kids 21-14 that he doesnít see at all.

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    Offline bombsh3ll

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    Hubby says heís too old, but I canít accept it.
    « Reply #1 on: 12/02/19, 14:19 »
    I'm sorry you're in this difficult position.

    First of all do you know where you stand legally with right to transfer? In the UK I believe both parties have to sign consent at the time of transferring frozen embryos.

    We cycled in Spain where the law is different - the father gives his consent at the time of creating the embryos, and after that the woman has sole rights over subsequent transfers including if they divorce or the man has passed away.

    Therefore there may be nothing you can do - however it may be possible to specify/persuade him to put the embryo up for "adoption" if your clinic does that rather than being let perish or experimented on.

    At our first clinic in Cyprus, they did not have the technology to freeze our surplus embryos so we had no choice but to let them perish which broke my heart, however that clinic had pretty loose standards and did a lot of donor cycles, so I like to think ours may have got a chance at life with someone else even if we didn't know or consent.

    If at the time of treatment you both signed an agreement such as ours where you could transfer without his consent, well it's a tricky one. Do you have any chance of natural conception or is one of you proven completely sterile? You know where I am going with this.

    Only you can decide, but if that's an option it may be the one that ultimately gives you the most peace. Bear in mind a single embryo, especially as you were 38 at the time, doesn't have a massive chance of success and it may be that you could quietly give it a chance, if it didn't work at least you'd tried, & if it did you could either feign natural conception or hope that he would come round in time.

    Many, many men get "oopsed" in fertile relationships where the family planning takes place unilaterally but end up embracing fatherhood. He must really love you to go through IVF together in the first place.

    Best wishes,

    B xxx

    Offline cosmopolitan4112008

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    Hubby says heís too old, but I canít accept it.
    « Reply #2 on: 12/02/19, 20:04 »
    My husband was 47 when we got our child. 5 years after and we will try for another one.  Richard Gere became a second-time dad at 70. Explain to him that it us very important to you to try and that the success is not even guaranteed. If you dont have it transferred, you might end up resenting him. Good luck!

    Offline HopefulKayte

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    Hubby says heís too old, but I canít accept it.
    « Reply #3 on: 12/02/19, 23:07 »
    Iíd recommend talking to a fertility-specific counsellor. Your clinic may have an on-site or recommended person, or your family doctor may have some good names on file. Itís a great and safe place to sort through feelings, pros, cons, and stresses on relationships, what people can live with, and so on. Also sends you away with a lot to consider and reflect on. With so much at risk with the family you already have, plus the desire to transfer and belief that itís potential life (I would feel the same way), I think if youíre open to going, this would merit an educated and neutral party in such matters.
    Keep us updated - good luck!