Pregnancy and Parenting after Infertility > Moving On- For Those with Children

Please remind me im doing the right thing



We have a nearly 4 year old DS.

We were supposed to be starting another cycle in 2 weeks.
We had a failed cycle in November where most were immature eggs and none fertilised so we had some money returned to us, plus a few freebies as a good will gesture for the cockup.

Ive had the worst week for a long time due to finding out that we were more in debt that i thought and our financial situation was massively dire. There was deciept and secrets kept from me but i had a part to play in the debt i knew about.
Anyway, we have managed to escape going down the DMP or IVA route by the skin of our teeth but its been a wake up call that IVF (which 2.5k would have gone on credit) is a complete no no... and with OH being 55 (im 34) its unlikely now that it will ever happen.
If we did this treatment and it worked, we wouldnt be able to afford the simple things for him like school trips, school uniforms, days out etc... i dont even know if he would have wanted a sibling.
I keep having wobbles. A head and heart thing but i need to be reminded we are doing the right thing.

We dont have any savings, if the car went up it, we wouldnt have the money to fix it... its that dire...

I have come to the realisation that we have massively cocked up over the years and have been totally irrisponsible with money. It NEEDS to change.

Im doing the right thing for our family aren't i?

Hi Bubbles

What a courageous post, and what a situation to be in.

I don't think anyone can tell you if you're doing the right thing, but you may already have told yourself.

My own personal opinion is that what you're doing is right, but you don't know me, so my opinion isn't important.  It's what you think that counts.

I do think that to place a family where there is already a child in further debt would have caused you a great deal of stress, which would have impacted on your son.  If you have a pattern of debt, it's really responsible and mature that you're determined to do something about it, and this will put you in a much stronger position as a family for years to come.  If you do get on a better financial footing you could try again in a couple of years.  You are still at a fine age for assisted conception, and your OH's age is immaterial as long as his sperm are OK.  I very much hope that IVF would be successful for you, but statistically it fails more often than it succeeds, so you might have ended up in further debt with nothing to show for it, which would be horrible.

Personally I think too big a deal is made of siblings.  I'm an only child, and from what I heard from friends about their siblings, I'm very pleased it was that way.  Especially now that I've met my brother-in-law!

Finally, I have a friend who has 3 children, all by IVF.  When she had them they had a comfortable lifestyle, but now, because of the husband's irresponsibility, they are massively in debt, and probably always will be.  Their marriage has collapsed, but she can't leave because she has no money to support her younger children, who are still dependent.  She is so unhappy, and however hard she tries to be brave and strong it inevitably impacts her children.  You really, really don't want to be in a situation like that, so if there's anything you can do at this stage to avoid it, you absolutely should.

I can understand how hard this is for you, but if you want an opinion then yes, I think this is the right thing.  For now.

I agree with everything Mochashosh has said. I would personally love to have a child right this second and although I am in no debt, I am determined to be prepared in every way possible for the coming child(ren). I had my first and only child at a young age and it was such a struggle, it absolutely sucked the joy out of what should have been a really wonderful experience. I did eventually get things sorted out and we're fine but I would not have another child now unless I am sure I can meet all of this child's emotional and financial needs. My desire for more children, however, is very much a positive force in my life. It drives me to work harder so that I am able to realize my dream sooner than later. If you really want more children, you can have them. You have loads of time to do so still. But do wait it out and work your way to getting to where you know you should be. Don't feel that it is strictly a now or never situation, it very much isn't. Figure out how to get out of debt, how to build savings and how to manage your money better. Reassess your positions in the years to come. If you can't have more children, it won't be the end of the world for your child. I also always worried about my son not having a sibling but now that he's a teenager, it just doesn't matter to him at all. If I have more kids, he'll be happy to get to know his siblings but he doesn't strictly feel that he needs siblings.

Wow, thank you both for your advice. Its really pulled me out of my pity party and made me see that this is the right decision...

Im really hoping to come out of this situation for the better and to be financially stable bit i will admit, ive just looked at our finances... and although the debt payments are well within out budget... im drowing as i simply do not know hpw to manage my OH money because he is 2 weekly paid.

Im sure i will get wobbles and doubts from time to time... i will just have to crack on with it.
Like you said, the door isnt completely shut

Thank you


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