Fresh cycle #2.5, hoping for our rainbow

[missl73]

9DP5DT: OTD. As expected, stark white BFN. I haven’t even cried I just feel so angry. I’d already come to terms with the fact this cycle wasn’t going to work, I just don’t believe it’s because we had another unlucky perfect graded embryo. I am sure my endometrium was compromised due to my inadequate hormone levels and that is just not good enough when that was something that was controllable. The clinic won’t be open today so I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to discuss it with them. I’ve already emailed the consultants secretary to get a phone appointment for follow-up to discuss the progesterone issue. I will be taking my meds today and maybe another couple of days as if I am going to go back-to-back I need to delay AF for when I return from Italy. I brought everything I need with me like Synarel in case they say I can start taking it on CD1.

I now need to switch off from IVF and enjoy my holiday with DH. I will eat lots of delicious sea food, cured meats and drink wine while I can!

[FertilityFriends]

[missl73]

Even though I’d been expecting it, it took me some time to process our failed cycle yesterday. My overwhelming feeling is still anger which I know is part of grief. I just feel like we wasted a perfectly good embryo over something so stupid. I now feel like next time, I don’t want to put the best one back because I don’t feel that confident in the clinic and if we are experimenting to see what works we should do that with an embryo that we think has less potential. I was so hopeful when we had 3 frosties, but 3 has become 2 extremely fast. It’s hard to believe the others will work when a 5AA hasn’t. I mean how can we be so unlucky that we keep producing 5AA embryos but not ending up with a baby?!

[missl73]

So the tears came after writing my diary entry this morning, I was wondering why I hadn’t reacted properly yet but when it happened it was desperate, heart-wrenching, uncontrollable sobs. I feel like they might as well have just thrown my embryo in the bin. After doing their own research my doctor parents feel certain my progesterone level is the cause of my failed cycle too. I feel so isolated and so vulnerable. How are you supposed to continue when you are putting your entire future in the hands of a clinic that you can’t trust to act in your best interests? It’s not even just my clinic, I believe the entire industry is exploiting vulnerable people’s hope for money so it’s not like changing clinics would make me feel any more reassured. I feel so alone.

[missl73]

Less emotional than yesterday, my extreme outburst seems to have got most of it out. I must say though, I’m entering the next go feeling a lot less hopeful than I did with the first. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m transferring a 5AB this time and breaking my 5AA curse what with a MMC and a BFN to show for it!

I spoke to the clinic yesterday, they said there is no medical reason not to go straight into the next cycle and it’s not like it’s as taxing on the body as a fresh so I’m fine with that. I still want to talk to the consultant about starting IM progesterone earlier, testing my levels before transfer and I want my thyroid checked too. They made me test again today to be doubly sure but obviously it was negative. They’ve said it’s fine to stay on the meds until Friday 12th so I can hold off AF until I’m back as I must be scanned no later than CD5. I’m not a bleeder so I’m not concerned it will break through until I stop the progesterone. I’m guessing my next transfer will end up being some time in mid August.

[missl73]

Only 2 more of those awful progesterone injections to go until I can stop and wait for AF to arrive. I’ve got more used to them now, it just feels every day like I’ve done a bit of a workout and I’m a bit sore - it only gets uncomfortable if I sit down for too long. I’m slowly starting to relax more into my holiday, all the swimming and nice food is helping and at least I can enjoy the wine!

[missl73]

Finally got my follow up appointment booked with my consultant in 5 days time on Monday. My main objective is to get my protocol updated but also to influence the clinic to change their policy around progesterone testing - I don’t want what happened to me to happen to anybody else. My plan is to ask him what he thought might have contributed to our failed cycle first (no points for guessing he’ll say the embryo as nobody can prove that either way!). If he doesn’t bring it up then I will have to talk about the studies I’ve read and why I think it was the progesterone. I also want to discuss whether we think my lining was thick enough - it was over their cut off but not by much. As always, I feel better having a plan and knowing when my next conversation will be.

[missl73]

Somehow there has been a mix up at the clinic and my appointment is actually this afternoon. I’m glad as I want to get it over with. I’m not taking any drugs today for the first time in weeks, I only need AF to hold off 4 more hours and I’ll be ok for a scan next Wednesday within the 5 day window. I’m sleeping terribly at the moment, waking lots in the night and waking up at the crack of dawn - and I thought holidays were for catching up on sleep! I found out overnight that an ex-colleague I worked with for 7 years passed away unexpectedly yesterday - it’s so tragic and a timely reminder that life is short and precious. DH and I have been arguing quite a lot these past few days which isn’t like us and I know is just the grief of the failed cycle manifesting itself. I just want to feel like myself again.

[missl73]

Spoke to the consultant at the clinic yesterday and although he was a bit cagey and I know he was never going to admit fault we have a plan forward I feel more comfortable with. He did actually say “I agree with you” when I said based on my age my anuploidy rate shouldn’t be that high so it seems odd that I would have two 5AAs that failed. He also said “you took the words right out of my mouth” with a few of my suggestions. He did try and give me some bullshit about how blood progesterone tests aren’t always a good indicator of how much progesterone is in the womb but if they didn’t think it mattered they wouldn’t test it at all, and they’ve made the decision to introduce it in light of recent evidence so....! Anyway, we agreed next cycle I’m going to start on intramuscular progesterone right away and they’ll test me on the day before transfer this time. He also wants me to take 75mg aspirin and 1000iu of vitamin E for my lining which was 8mm at transfer and triple lined so ok but could be a bit better. He doesn’t think we have any reason to suspect clotting issues given my MC was chromosomal and I’ve been pregnant before so didn’t have a problem then with implantation which I agree with.

Generally I feel good about the plan, my PMS is terrible though I’m so emotional I don’t feel like myself, couple that with the fact DH and I are fighting all the time right now which is very unusual for us. Normally, we hardly ever argue but this entire holiday I’ve spent either arguing with him or in tears. I’m sure it’s the pressure of the situation and of another failed attempt but it’s not helping. I feel so much of the time like I’m in the middle of the ocean and he is the rock I’m clinging to and when we are not getting on it feels like that rock is gone and I have nothing.

[missl73]

Things are slightly better with DH, we didn’t fight yesterday for the first time in about a week so that’s progress! AF not arrived yet, I don’t know why I am surprised as I never bleed!! I’m not even cramping like it’s going to come soon!!

[missl73]

Cramping started in earnest about 4pm yesterday and low and behold AF was here within the hour. Weirdly light but maybe that’s because my lining didn’t get that thick for FET. Started my Synarel this morning, I was a bit worried it got too hot in the car one day last week but not much I can do about it. Hopefully it’s all ok. I can get a new bottle once I’m back in the UK. Last full day of holiday today so off to the beach one last time. Only 3 weeks or so until my next transfer.