* Author Topic: Fresh cycle #2.5, hoping for our rainbow  (Read 17636 times)

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Offline missl73

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Fresh cycle #2.5, hoping for our rainbow
« Reply #70 on: 7/07/19, 06:27 »
9DP5DT: OTD. As expected, stark white BFN. I havenít even cried I just feel so angry. Iíd already come to terms with the fact this cycle wasnít going to work, I just donít believe itís because we had another unlucky perfect graded embryo. I am sure my endometrium was compromised due to my inadequate hormone levels and that is just not good enough when that was something that was controllable. The clinic wonít be open today so Iíll have to wait until tomorrow to discuss it with them. Iíve already emailed the consultants secretary to get a phone appointment for follow-up to discuss the progesterone issue. I will be taking my meds today and maybe another couple of days as if I am going to go back-to-back I need to delay AF for when I return from Italy. I brought everything I need with me like Synarel in case they say I can start taking it on CD1.

I now need to switch off from IVF and enjoy my holiday with DH. I will eat lots of delicious sea food, cured meats and drink wine while I can!

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    Offline missl73

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    Fresh cycle #2.5, hoping for our rainbow
    « Reply #71 on: 8/07/19, 06:04 »
    Even though Iíd been expecting it, it took me some time to process our failed cycle yesterday. My overwhelming feeling is still anger which I know is part of grief. I just feel like we wasted a perfectly good embryo over something so stupid. I now feel like next time, I donít want to put the best one back because I donít feel that confident in the clinic and if we are experimenting to see what works we should do that with an embryo that we think has less potential. I was so hopeful when we had 3 frosties, but 3 has become 2 extremely fast. Itís hard to believe the others will work when a 5AA hasnít. I mean how can we be so unlucky that we keep producing 5AA embryos but not ending up with a baby?!

    Offline missl73

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    Fresh cycle #2.5, hoping for our rainbow
    « Reply #72 on: 8/07/19, 11:01 »
    So the tears came after writing my diary entry this morning, I was wondering why I hadnít reacted properly yet but when it happened it was desperate, heart-wrenching, uncontrollable sobs. I feel like they might as well have just thrown my embryo in the bin. After doing their own research my doctor parents feel certain my progesterone level is the cause of my failed cycle too. I feel so isolated and so vulnerable. How are you supposed to continue when you are putting your entire future in the hands of a clinic that you canít trust to act in your best interests? Itís not even just my clinic, I believe the entire industry is exploiting vulnerable peopleís hope for money so itís not like changing clinics would make me feel any more reassured. I feel so alone.

    Offline missl73

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    Fresh cycle #2.5, hoping for our rainbow
    « Reply #73 on: 9/07/19, 07:26 »
    Less emotional than yesterday, my extreme outburst seems to have got most of it out. I must say though, Iím entering the next go feeling a lot less hopeful than I did with the first. Maybe itís a good thing Iím transferring a 5AB this time and breaking my 5AA curse what with a MMC and a BFN to show for it!

    I spoke to the clinic yesterday, they said there is no medical reason not to go straight into the next cycle and itís not like itís as taxing on the body as a fresh so Iím fine with that. I still want to talk to the consultant about starting IM progesterone earlier, testing my levels before transfer and I want my thyroid checked too. They made me test again today to be doubly sure but obviously it was negative. Theyíve said itís fine to stay on the meds until Friday 12th so I can hold off AF until Iím back as I must be scanned no later than CD5. Iím not a bleeder so Iím not concerned it will break through until I stop the progesterone. Iím guessing my next transfer will end up being some time in mid August.

    Offline missl73

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    Fresh cycle #2.5, hoping for our rainbow
    « Reply #74 on: 10/07/19, 08:06 »
    Only 2 more of those awful progesterone injections to go until I can stop and wait for AF to arrive. Iíve got more used to them now, it just feels every day like Iíve done a bit of a workout and Iím a bit sore - it only gets uncomfortable if I sit down for too long. Iím slowly starting to relax more into my holiday, all the swimming and nice food is helping and at least I can enjoy the wine!

    Offline missl73

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    Fresh cycle #2.5, hoping for our rainbow
    « Reply #75 on: 11/07/19, 07:36 »
    Finally got my follow up appointment booked with my consultant in 5 days time on Monday. My main objective is to get my protocol updated but also to influence the clinic to change their policy around progesterone testing - I donít want what happened to me to happen to anybody else. My plan is to ask him what he thought might have contributed to our failed cycle first (no points for guessing heíll say the embryo as nobody can prove that either way!). If he doesnít bring it up then I will have to talk about the studies Iíve read and why I think it was the progesterone. I also want to discuss whether we think my lining was thick enough - it was over their cut off but not by much. As always, I feel better having a plan and knowing when my next conversation will be.

    Offline missl73

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    Fresh cycle #2.5, hoping for our rainbow
    « Reply #76 on: 12/07/19, 07:25 »
    Somehow there has been a mix up at the clinic and my appointment is actually this afternoon. Iím glad as I want to get it over with. Iím not taking any drugs today for the first time in weeks, I only need AF to hold off 4 more hours and Iíll be ok for a scan next Wednesday within the 5 day window. Iím sleeping terribly at the moment, waking lots in the night and waking up at the crack of dawn - and I thought holidays were for catching up on sleep! I found out overnight that an ex-colleague I worked with for 7 years passed away unexpectedly yesterday - itís so tragic and a timely reminder that life is short and precious. DH and I have been arguing quite a lot these past few days which isnít like us and I know is just the grief of the failed cycle manifesting itself. I just want to feel like myself again.

    Offline missl73

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    Fresh cycle #2.5, hoping for our rainbow
    « Reply #77 on: 13/07/19, 07:47 »
    Spoke to the consultant at the clinic yesterday and although he was a bit cagey and I know he was never going to admit fault we have a plan forward I feel more comfortable with. He did actually say ďI agree with youĒ when I said based on my age my anuploidy rate shouldnít be that high so it seems odd that I would have two 5AAs that failed. He also said ďyou took the words right out of my mouthĒ with a few of my suggestions. He did try and give me some bullshit about how blood progesterone tests arenít always a good indicator of how much progesterone is in the womb but if they didnít think it mattered they wouldnít test it at all, and theyíve made the decision to introduce it in light of recent evidence so....! Anyway, we agreed next cycle Iím going to start on intramuscular progesterone right away and theyíll test me on the day before transfer this time. He also wants me to take 75mg aspirin and 1000iu of vitamin E for my lining which was 8mm at transfer and triple lined so ok but could be a bit better. He doesnít think we have any reason to suspect clotting issues given my MC was chromosomal and Iíve been pregnant before so didnít have a problem then with implantation which I agree with.

    Generally I feel good about the plan, my PMS is terrible though Iím so emotional I donít feel like myself, couple that with the fact DH and I are fighting all the time right now which is very unusual for us. Normally, we hardly ever argue but this entire holiday Iíve spent either arguing with him or in tears. Iím sure itís the pressure of the situation and of another failed attempt but itís not helping. I feel so much of the time like Iím in the middle of the ocean and he is the rock Iím clinging to and when we are not getting on it feels like that rock is gone and I have nothing.

    Offline missl73

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    Fresh cycle #2.5, hoping for our rainbow
    « Reply #78 on: 14/07/19, 08:27 »
    Things are slightly better with DH, we didnít fight yesterday for the first time in about a week so thatís progress! AF not arrived yet, I donít know why I am surprised as I never bleed!! Iím not even cramping like itís going to come soon!!

    Offline missl73

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    Fresh cycle #2.5, hoping for our rainbow
    « Reply #79 on: 15/07/19, 07:56 »
    Cramping started in earnest about 4pm yesterday and low and behold AF was here within the hour. Weirdly light but maybe thatís because my lining didnít get that thick for FET. Started my Synarel this morning, I was a bit worried it got too hot in the car one day last week but not much I can do about it. Hopefully itís all ok. I can get a new bottle once Iím back in the UK. Last full day of holiday today so off to the beach one last time. Only 3 weeks or so until my next transfer.