* Author Topic: Parenting in late 40s/ 50s  (Read 2375 times)

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Offline deblovescats

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Parenting in late 40s/ 50s
« Reply #10 on: 7/05/19, 23:31 »
Jdm - thanks for your wise words! You are such a strong woman doing an amazing job with your boys. I think you're doing a wonderful job with home schooling. For me, I could home school - I have a PGCE and used to teach primary, but now work in health visiting, still with families, but I would be overwhelmed by it. I take my hat off to all you home schooling mums! I love my children to bits, but personally my going to work (just 3 days) is my break from them, as I'm a solo mum. So far, my son has settled well into school and has a lovely group of friends, but he is rather shy and I do worry at times about bullying. He's also a summer born so I did worry about him settling.
As I'm also planning a cycle for no 3, I feel I have my hands full. However, if my children were being bullied I would reassess it.
My own mother is 90 - my sister and I arranged a big party for her birthday in April. She has heart failure, asthma, macular degeneration and hypothyroidism. She nearly died last April, so it's almost as if she's on borrowed time. On the positive side, my children are building memories with her, it's just the juggling act that is so difficult!

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    Offline jdm4tth3ws

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    « Reply #11 on: 8/05/19, 07:39 »
    Thank you Deblovescats! Sometimes you just need to hear that from others. As some days it's one long, hard slog. Uphill battle. Other days, it's fun all the way. I actually have seen you around here for some years on various threads and I think you're amazing, doing the stuff you want to do and going in for another cycle.

    I would love (Biggles only 3 months old) to go for another cycle but hubby has put his foot down most firmly as I'm still recovering from PTSD brought on by cesearean preparations that I wasn't informed about before the preparations took place, leaving me feeling violated. But that's another story. 🤣

    The kids bring me  lot of joy (and a lot of stress at times 😂) but I'm really looking forward to having all 3 kids on my own for 12 days. I can't wait for my hubby and mother to go to Bulgaria. The kids always seem calmer when he's not around. I don't know why.

    The kids are building memories with my mum as well. They also knkw she keeps a secret (Not so secret) stash of sweets and chocolate. So they cut deals with her behind my back to get those sweets and chocolate. 😂 And she finds it impossible to say No! My 8 yr old loves going in to her in a morning and greet her for the day, but I worry sometimes that as he's the first to see her, will he be the first to see her when she passes on. I'm probably being irrational but if he was first to see her, it would be awful. But those are challenges of a multi generational family living together.

    Your mum sounds like a strong person actually. With All her challenges, she's still here and you are doing a fabulous job all round. Your kids will have lasting memories of her and that's so precious. Out of all the females that were in my family, I loved my nanna the most. She had dementia in the end. But I had a fabulous childhood with her and I was the only teen with skinhead style hair and skin head clothing hat used to take an old lady in a wheelchair (nanna) and push her around our hometown, with loads of dogs on leads. My dog, my friends dog and my mum's 2 dogs at the time. I loved cracking jokes that I should be mugging her, not taking her out. 😂 I still have lovely memories from her and get a warm glow when I think of her. My mum is lovely too, but shes my mum. It's different. ☺

    I think All the women on this thread are brilliant actually. We all decided to go against the norm, and have our babies, at an age where were usually winding down. And looking back, I prefer having my babies at this age -have more to offer them. Patience being the big one. I'm calmer with this one. I don't flap as easily when he's ill ( jabs induced illness), I'm  more confident now and just enjoy all the cuddles, and the sleepless nights where we get one to one time. Our special time.

    I don't think it's too.much longer till your next cycle starts and I have everything firmly crossed that you get the outcome you desire. Will be a fantastic achievement. Xx

    Offline Jeanette2

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    « Reply #12 on: 8/05/19, 18:09 »
    jdm - you've given me a lot to think about with home education and the more i ponder the more i like the idea. In fact i brought it up with my partner last night but he looked a bit aghast though think it was more to do with when on earth would we have the time more than anything else! Almost every minute of our day is accounted for at present and haven't even been on holiday in over 8yrs due to care commitments. Love the idea of going to all the attractions during term-term and also having more autonomy with how and what i teach my children. You do lose a lot of control when they go to school although as debs says not sure when I'd get the time to do anything if they were with me all day as plan is to go back to work when my second starts school as we're struggling financially. The home ed groups you plug into sound brilliant and am sure your children are not missing out at all, didn't realise there was such a thriving community. If either of my children were being bullied however and the school weren't doing enough then i'd seriously reconsider as know the long lasting damage that can do. Hats off to you as well for also living with a disabled mum and having health problems yourself, to be honest I have no idea how you do it and with a newborn baby too - you certainly are super-mum!

    debs - great to hear from you again, think we communicated once on a different thread where you were immensely supportive. Masses of good luck as you embark on cycle 3. I remember you saying you were a solo mum, do you get any help at all from family as I really struggle with all my commitments, a partner and two young children. Even though my son is almost 5 he's still quite high maintenance (mean that in the nicest possible way) and demands a lot of attention! Yes, prying remarks are so annoying and can also be unintentionally hurtful. We went to a playgroup this morning and I saw a grandma looking at us intently and sensed she was on the verge of making a remark so moved away just before she had a chance. I might have been wrong but didn't want to give her the chance to spoil my day. As i mentioned previously I think part of it is my daughter looks quite different from me in build and complexion so people  try to work out our relationship. Your adoration of your children comes through strongly and your son sounds a sweet gentle boy and it's a good sign he's already made a nice group of friends at school. My son quite likes school, although if given a choice would always choose to be at home!  Being a little older i'm finding it harder to gel with some of the mum's who are all very much part of the social media generation so tend to keep myself to myself which isn't always a good thing as I know I need to make an effort to be a bit sociable for my childrens' sake. How have you found it with the other parents at school/ are you on the Birthday party circuit?

    Offline deblovescats

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    « Reply #13 on: 10/05/19, 22:18 »
    Thanks for your kind words Jeanette. I totally emphasise with you and acknowledge how hard it can be. I used to take it really to heart if anyone looked or made comments, but as time has gone on, I've developed a bit of a tougher exterior. I believe that what I choose to do is nothing to do with anyone else, I make no judgements on anyone, so don't think anyone should make any on me. I have not regretted my decision and love my children totally. They are so precious to me. Personally, I seem to speak to some of the mums at the school gate and I know some of the mums with children higher up the school, as they are work colleagues. I have to make myself chat to people. Also, several of the mums are definitely older mums, though maybe not as old as me. There are also a few older mums at groups. I have always been a reserved person, but since getting older and for the sake of my children, I have made myself do it. I also go online on social media. I have also made myself initiate contact with some of the other mums, to invite them along to a play date for my son. I know a couple of mums whose sons were in nursery with my son and we've kept in. Luckily, some of them also have things in common, such as similar types of jobs. Luckily, my children have similar colouring to me, and it's amazing how many people think they look like me! We are definitely on the birthday party circle! My son is 5 in July so we'll be inviting them as well then. I am pretty much doing it on my own, though I get occasional help from my sister, but not very often practical. She'll buy pretty dresses and outfits etc, but she resents me having children so I do all the practical stuff really. I feel I'm managing pretty well, but wish I could have had a special partner to share it with.

    Offline Jeanette2

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    « Reply #14 on: 12/05/19, 18:18 »
    Hi Debs - you sound better than me in making an effort, it does make it a bit easier if there's some common ground like having similar type of occupations/ backgrounds. Around where I live many of the parents are quite well to do, have lovely homes, big cars etc and we always feel like the poor relations, our flat is so small it makes it hard to invite others for playdates as feel we'd be judged. I'd quite like to move away from the area to where people are more down to earth as don't feel we really fit in but my mum is close by and I need to be on hand due to my care commitments to her. Fortunately we have a v benevolent landlord that charges us a rent way below the market value for the location or it wouldn't be possible otherwise. I've found myself lately always wanting to make excuses when party invitations come but know that I can't isolate my son though we don't go to all of them. By nature I'm quite introverted (although friendly to chat to) so it doesn't come easy initiating contact but know i must try more as don't want to get a reputation for being aloof. You still have time to meet someone special to share the upbringing of your children with although guess having the time is a different matter! Before I met my partner I was on the brink of going solo and would have gone down that route for sure as the drive for a child was so strong. You definitely made the right decision although do appreciate it's not an easy option. Having said that I know of several women in relationships/ married who feel they bring up their children single-handedly as the dad is often away on business or working such long hours they barely see their children.   

    Offline deblovescats

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    « Reply #15 on: 13/05/19, 00:14 »
    Thanks, Jeanette. I would like to meet someone one day, but I think I am more at ease with being on my own ,as I have my lovely children, and I think that was a pressure I was putting on myself, that I had to meet someone to have a child, and now I have achieved that, hopefully I can be more relaxed about meeting someone.
    I was always shy as a child and young adult, and I think my confidence has only grown as I've got older. I didn't initially find it easy, making contacts, but my motivating factor was my son James initially. I wanted him to have friends and hopefully not be as shy as I was. As I made the effort, it has definitely got easier. I can understand how you feel with being in a wealthy area, and equally how difficult it is managing your mum as well! I'm lucky in that the area I live in does have nice homes, but no one I mix with is essentially living in a different level to us. I also have family members living here. I think it is easier if you have things in common with people, and I don't feel as out of it with the age issue, as if all the others were young mums. I think my job, working with a health visiting team, also helps me to mix with people, as I have to put people at ease. It would be lovely if we could all meet up one day!

    Offline Jeanette2

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    « Reply #16 on: 15/05/19, 19:55 »
    Like you, one of my big factors for meeting someone was to have children and suppose it was just by luck that I found someone in the nick of time though it wasn't easy. A couple of men i dated were ultimately put off by the care commitments that I had to my dad at the time (he had early onset Alzheimers) as I wasn't willing to turn my back on him and think they were worried it would compromise our relationship. It was by chance that my partner had a disabled mum so was sympathetic to my situation and funnily enough we built a relationship from that common ground.
    On a different note, socially I can hold my own quite well but where I feel on a different wavelength from many of the parents around me (with the exception of a couple) just find it difficult to break into the circles round here and don't have a massive desire to either though know i need to push myself more to try and mix.  Where are you located? I might be wrong but have a recollection of you being in Scotland. I'm in London. It would be lovely if we could meet one day, our sons are a similar age. I hope one day it might be possible to meet others through the DCN as it's something I've not yet disclosed to anyone other than family.
    jdm - hope all's well with you too & Biggles!  Know the trip to Bulgaria is coming up soon.

    Offline deblovescats

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    « Reply #17 on: 15/05/19, 23:24 »
     Jeanette - I'm so glad you met someone in time! You never know - I might get lucky, but in the meantime, I'm happy with my children. I haven't met someone so far, so if I hadn't had them, I would still have been waiting, and miserable too! I'm in the north but in Yorkshire - I'm sure we'll meet one day!
    Just on the note of insensitive comments. When I was pregnant with Lydia, I had to get a prescription and a maternity exemption certificate. The pharmacist really upset me, and I should have put in a complaint but was so stunned at her comments and being upset, that I never did. She got the assistant (who was lovely and very embarrassed) to query my certificate and in front of a room full of patients, got her to query it and implied that the certificate was out of date, as my son was 2! I explained that it was not for my son, I was pregnant for the second time and it was a valid and up to date certificate. I was mortified and felt she could not believe that I could be pregnant at 48 (and yet I could have potentially fallen pregnant naturally!) I don't really know what she was getting at. I almost asked to do a pregnancy test in front of her so that she would believe me! Shocking!

    Offline Jeanette2

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    « Reply #18 on: 16/05/19, 22:36 »
    Hi Debs - just PM'd you.