Eurgh..... i just dont know what to do!

[Bubbles12]

Hi all

Bit of background. I have a 4yr old DS who i obviously adore. My OH is 55.

In February, i found out that my husband had secret debt from back in 2012. We were just about to start another cycle of ICSI (We had been trying for a sibling and had a failed cycle in November, to which i feel the clinic were at fault, all eggs were immature) the cycle in November and the one we were just about to start were being funded by a credit card so in that moment, i pulled the plug on that cycle, to sort out debts out and look at a different avenue for our future.
It was decided that we would try and buy a house, after saving for a deposit.
We sorted out the debt (still in debt, but consolidated, paying less a month etc) and we have a pretty healthy bank balance now.
The thing is, its unlikely we will get a mortgage. Obviously, we have debt, which is manageable but i am on a DMP which is 10 years old and our credit ratings are just 'ok'. With all these together, along with my husbands age, i just cant see us getting one. (Plus the repayments will be massive)

However, as i expected, i just cant shake this feeling that i want a baby more. I understand that a house will secure a future, for me and my boy but i am so desperate for him to have a sibling and for me to have another baby. Im pushing 35 so time isnt on my side for a baby.
Having another baby, there is a high risk we would never buy a house (unless we inherit) but buying a house now, will mean definitely no more babies and as soon as the novelty of owning wears off, the yearning for a baby will come back.

I just dont know what to do for the best and was hoping someone (like you) that understands and appreciates how deep the yearning is for a child, could offer some advice.

Thanks

[FertilityFriends]

[CatLadyTTC1]

Hiya.

First I would go to a mortgage adviser and get the low down on what you can afford and the possible payment plan. Then have a look in that bracket then if you’d have to compromise. For example you could have a mortgage of 200k but the houses in that bracket are in a less desirable area or a house could cost 200k and be the best area but maybe for 170k you could get an in between the 2?!

Then I would look at your fertility options. Ask for an AMH test so they can figure out your reserve :-) there are many options whatever the outcome. At least then you could discuss donor eggs/donor spark/double donor and then your costs are cheaper if you go abroad or if you go for double donor embryo transfer you could literally fly in/out in 3 days. All options that are worth a discussion or a thought.

Good luck.

[Bubbles12]

Thank you :-)

We already have spoken to a few brokers, all have said we have alot against us but its worth giving it a go.
We already know the maximum we could get but i wouldnt go that high (believe me, it isnt even high compared to standards) so i have been looking for around 30K less. It doesnt give us the house we like and would have to take a compromise.. ie, no off road parking, town terraced house.
If we did this, not only would our mortgage repayments be super high, we would never be able to save the money to fund any fertility treatment in time, i would be pushing 40 and my husband will be 60. The baby thing really is a 'within the next year' situation.

Luckily, i have a pretty high AMH level, i know what protocol i will be on and as a 'goodwill gesture' my clinic have offered a free endometrial scratch and the us e of the embroscope for free. So we would save there too.

But.... i simply just dont know. I feel like now isnt the time for us to buy a house, i want to, but there is too much against us and we would be rejected.

The only way i could potentially do both, is to do the shared ownership scheme and either put a super low deposit down (literally like 5k) and the rest goes towards treatment. Or apply for a mortgage for 5k more and fund it that way.

I just know in my heart, i want another baby, and buying a house, im still going to get that feeling. I feel guilty, either way for my son. Do i give him security for mine and his future... or a sibling to share life with... 

😪

[3babies]

I'd go with security for his future. That seems like the more logical/responsible thing to do & you owe him that at least. Then in the near future you may well find a way to cycle again & try for a sibling for your son. I'm so glad you have him & your a family unit. Anymore would be a bonus 

[staceysm]

Hi Bubbles,

I think you have a lot to think about and unfortunately I don’t think that any of us have the answers.  I personally don’t think that the yearning ever goes away.  Not from what women post on here.

I was very fortunate that my cycles worked, but I do know children that are a only child and they are very happy and are certainly not lonely and have lots of friends.

My own home and bricks and mortar would always be a priority for me, but again renting is perfectly fine for many.

Have you spoken to your husband?  How does he feel?

Good luck
Stacey
X

[Bubbles12]

He feels the same as me, we are both very torn. Only he is saying, if we do go for another baby, it needs to be soon as he doesnt want a bigger age gap if we are successful.

Honestly, its all i can think about.

We expect to get inheritance, which could secure the future for my boy and give him a decent start to a deposit on a house in years to come.

Perhaps in October, i will try to get a mortgage in principal and go from there, but already, im secretly hoping we get refused. Like i say the other option is to take the money out of the mortgage and fund it that way.

I just know this feeling is never going to go. But my boy will benefit from either scenarios...

I just wish we would do both!