* Author Topic: Finding it hard to move on after Silent/Missed Miscarriage  (Read 574 times)

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Offline Tulip83

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Hi all,

I'm looking for advice and support as I have been struggling massively since my last miscarriage.

I've had 3 Miscarriages in total. One prior to having my daughter (after 7 years of fertility treatment) and two this year, following FETs.
With the first two miscarriages, I had started bleeding prior to being told I had miscarried, so although I was devastated and heartbroken, it wasn't a 'surprise' so to speak, when my fertility doctor confirmed the losses.

This third one in September was very different. I had no bleeding at all and a scan at 6 weeks picked up a heartbeat. When I went to another scan a week later I was happy and totally confident, only to be told that there was no longer a heartbeat. I cannot describe the shock and disbelief I was in as I left that scan. It really was one of the worst moments I have ever experienced in my life. To make matters worse I had to wait over a week for the bleed to begin. It was a week from hell as I knew I was carrying around my deceased foetus and I still had all the pregnancy symptoms. The physical miscarriage itself was much worse than the previous two and I was in agony for days.

I've tried to move forward since but I am finding it so tough. I feel like a dark cloud surrounds me all the time and to make matters worse, my sister found out she was pregnant a week before I did so she is now pretty much as pregnant as I should be and I'll have to see her bump over Christmas - I'm delighted for her but I am very anxious that it will be too much for me to handle. I have had severe insomnia since the miscarriage as well and the constant exhaustion is making it harder for me to fight my way through the fog. I still burst into tears almost daily and am finding it very difficult just to get through each day. I think its safe to say that I am going through a depression and I think I may even have PTSD...in that light, I have contacted a therapist who can start sessions with me from January but that seems so far away. I am hoping there is someone in this forum who can give me some tips or advice on how I can get through the next few weeks and what, if anything, has helped you to feel better after an experience like this?

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    Offline Tags77

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    All my miscarriages have been missed and I know how you feel going in weekly to check on the heartbeat. I think itís particularly hard at this time of year too... Christmas is a family time.. whether it be your own little unit or the extended family. And I find I reflect of family or my lack of it a lot more than I usually would. Counselling is useful, being able to talk to someone about it. Is there a miscarriage support group in your area?

    Offline Poppy41London

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    Hi Tulip

    I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I totally understand though.

    I have had 3 miscarriages. 2 missed miscarriages, the most recent of which was less than 3 weeks ago and I am still coming to terms with after having surgery for it - which I chose to do as after my previous experience I couldn't face the other options.

    It is absolutely devastating and very hard to come to terms with miscarriage, but missed miscarriage even more so I think because it feels so cruel as your body still is acting and seeming like its pregnant when the baby has actually died. My first miscarriage a couple of years ago was also a missed miscarriage and that was by far the hardest. I had never been pregnant before at that point but we had been trying for over 7 years, and it was my third IVF cycle (and last with my own eggs) when I got pregnant. Like you, we had a strong heartbeat seen on an early scan. But we discovered the baby had died when we had a scan at 11 weeks and 5 days, just as we were about to start telling people the happy news. The miscarriage itself - which saw me end up in hospital in excruciating pain for a couple of days - was so traumatic that the experience still haunts me and I definitely developed PTSD as a result.

    After that, my shock, grief and sense of loss felt overwhelming and I found myself sinking into a deep depression. I just felt like I couldn't find anything that felt worthwhile in life and everything felt so hard and unfair. In my case also because I knew that was my last chance at a baby with my own eggs, it felt like a double loss.

    I was going to therapy throughout and that was a lifesaver for me. But everything was still incredibly hard and it took me a long long time to recover and find a way out of the dark and hopeless place I found myself in.

    In hindsight, I think I should have gone on antidepressants to help me through but at the time I was very resistant to that. I would say to keep an eye on things though and once you start therapy see what your therapist thinks - as mine thought I should try medication and I didn't listen. I would take meds now though if I find myself slipping back towards that place as it was so hard to get out from under.

    And I would definitely say therapy can be helpful and worthwhile. It's really important to be able to talk and share your emotions and work through your grief and loss. Have you explained to the therapist how bad you are feeling and asked if there is any possibility they can see you sooner than January? It might be that they can try to squeeze you in if they know how much you are struggling.

    Aside from therapy, I found going to a Saying Goodbye remembrance service has been helpful too. We went to one a few months after our first loss. And then we went to one again recently, a week after our latest lost. They are beautiful services which give you an opportunity to grieve openly and to acknowledge your loss and the importance of it. They hold them all around the UK so it might be worth looking up their website and seeing if any are coming up near you. You don't need to be religious to attend - I am not. They are a charity and also have other support elements which may feel of benefit and could be worth investigating online. And one of the founders of the charity has written two books to help people through baby loss which could be worth looking at.

    Other than that, my most recent loss is very new and I am still trying to come to terms with it as it has seemed like the pregnancy was going well and we thought finally maybe this is our time. Although we used donor eggs, the baby felt completely mine and I was already very attached. It came as a real shock to find that the heartbeat had stopped and we had to go through this again as all the medical professionals had been telling that everything looked good up until that point.

    So I do think it is important to give yourself time and be kind to yourself. But also, based on what helped me before, I would say that routine is helpful for me and I am looking to start establishing routine again for myself after a few weeks of physical recovery. Also exercise can be helpful to balance your mood. Nothing too strenuous, whatever works for you - walking, yoga, gym. I am hoping to get back to the gym by next week.

    It can feel very isolating as nobody can really understand if they haven't been through it. And I find that a lot of people feel very awkward and don't know what to do or say, so they tend to withdraw or not ask you about it and that can make you feel even worse. A lot of people also think that miscarriage is not baby loss, that its just one of those things. They couldn't be more wrong...

    Anyway, I hope that what I have shared may be of help in some way. The main thing I wanted to say though is that I understand what you are going through and I am sorry you are experiencing it too.

    Xxx

    Offline Tulip83

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    Thank you both for taking the time to respond.

    Tags77 - So sorry for your losses and thank you for sharing your experience. I'm not sure but if you mean online groups I joined the miscarriage organisation but found it to be very inactive, which led me back here. Yes, I suppose Christmas is more triggering than anything after a loss. Hopefully I can find a way to rise above it all and enjoy the moment. That's my goal! :-)

    Poppy41London - Your post definitely was a big help and I'm so sorry for your losses. Its really helpful to speak to someone who has lived through the same experience and I totally understand that you went down the procedure route this time... if I ever had a missed MC again I would definitely opt for the procedure as letting it happen natural just traumatised me even more. Thanks for your advice, I definitely need to start exercising again and maybe prioritise myself more over the next few months. I'll text my therapist as well and ask her to let me know if she can squeeze me in any earlier. I think I really need it. Thanks for the tip re the remembrance services. I hadn't heard of those but will definitely look into it :-)

    Let's hope I can cope with Christmas and being around my pregnant sister. I know it will be tough and I think maybe I need to give myself the leeway to take time away if I'm feeling overwhelmed. x

    Offline Poppy41London

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    Hi Tulip,

    Yes I imagine xmas will be really hard being around your pregnant sister. As much as I am sure you love and are happy for her, it can be so painful and triggering.

    Maybe if you feel able to, let your sister know in advance that you are struggling with your loss and that you feel xmas might be especially hard. You could let her know that if you feel you have to take time out or be a little more distant over xmas when you are all together, please don't take it personally, it's just because her pregnancy is a real reminder of your loss even though you are thrilled for her about her pregnancy and that it's going well. Just a thought.

    Also I forgot to say anything about your insomnia in my other message. As you say I imagine that is making things even harder for you because you are so tired and feel even less resilient as a result. Maybe it would be worth talking to your GP about it, as struggling with sleep for a long time can be really detrimental to your health and they may have some ideas that can help you.

    Xx

    Offline Tulip83

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    Thank you :) yes I agree. I think itís best to be honest with all involved and I have an apt to see my doctor next week re insomnia. Letís hope this is the beginning of my trek back up the hill :) wishing you all the strength in the world for your own healing journey xx