End of fertility journey and my husband has left me

[DrG]

Hi,
My husband and I have been together for 4 years, trying for a baby the last 3 years, and married for the last 18 months.
In 2018 we did 2 rounds of ICSI due to my age (43 now) and sperm quality issues, and 1 FET. No positive pregnancy tests.
In 2019 we got spontaneously pregnant twice in February and June, both of which ended in missed miscarriage.
I was so sure I would get pregnant again but I didn't. We decided to give it to the end of December 2019 and then we would re-assess. A big reason for this is we have been living by a strict regime to optimise our chances in terms of nutrition, supplements, avoiding zika countries etc.that my husband couldn't take much more off. We hadn't had fun for a long time.
To cut a long story short, I have been a crazy woman since the miscarriages, obsessed with having a baby at any cost, refusing to be happy or enjoy myself as it felt disrespectful to my baby losses, to the point where my husband would be cut down if he tried to be positive or suggest we would be happy without children.
Our relationship deteriorated around Christmas. We decided to start marriage counselling in early January. By the first session he has decided that our marriage is over, he won't give me a chance, and staying together is too much of a risk to his mental health. He only attended a couple more counselling sessions, not even with a proper marriage counsellor (with a fertility counsellor at one of the clinics we had attended).
This has been a massive shock to me and I would do anything to make it up to him, but he is adament.
I am a mess, I did not see this coming and now I have lost my chance to be a mum and my husband. I do not know how to process this, and I literally have nothing meaningful left in my life.
I am thinking at some point to consider becoming a mum on my own, but I don't know where to start and I am already fatigued with all the research and information gathering I have done over the past 3 years to get my husband and I pregnant. I took it too far and neglected everything else in my life.
I am so sad that if i do it on my own it won't be my husband's child, it won't have a dad or siblings or grandparents
Is anyone else in a similar situation who can offer me any hope for the future and how to get through this?
Thank you.

[FertilityFriends]

[Saltysea]

I am so sorry for what you have both been through - try to be kind to yourself. I'm sure you did the best you could. There is always always hope for the future. Life moves in a wave, there are ups and downs for everyone. You have no idea where you will be in a year's time. One thing about hitting such a low point is that you can almost be certain you will be in a much better place soon.
Try and collect the resources you do have (friends, family, counsellors) for support, open up to them, try and get out as much as you can, even if you don't feel like it. Things will get easier, they really really do. Maybe give yourself some time to heal and stay away from all things fertility-related, focus on yourself, your health and fitness. In as little as a few months, things will already start to look a bit different. You haven't lost your chance to be a mum, there are so many ways to get to that goal. You are going to be the better and the stronger for it, when you come out the other end of this.
Don't blame yourself too much for what happened in your marriage - it always takes two. No matter what you were like, you clearly are willing to work on it and if he won't even give it a chance, he is the one that has ended the marriage. Assigning blame obviously doesn't help anyone but I just want to say, I really don't think you should blame yourself.
Stay strong, honey! You've got this!

[snowdropwood]

Hi Dr G - I was touched by your post  - very brave comes to mind and i probably recognize somethings too - I am so sorry for the double current losses and second every thing Saltsea has said.  I cant really imagine your current overwhelm  - but wanted to say that you have time to take a breath and take some time ( although I am v impatient myself !) . I am the same age as you and am going alone atm, it is entirely possible and I learn as I go along .  I am currently looking at double donation and it has been a process getting here.

I can only imagine that you might need support and some time to gather yourself - it will be OK though I imagine it feels awful atm. I am not great with words but I think in our own right as individuals we have enormous strength to move forwards when the time is right and in the right direction.  Shock and loss are so painful though and require time and gentleness (in my experience anyway ) but out of the awfulness things do improve .

In due course if you move forward on your own on the fertility journey , the clinics will be a huge source of info and support and there is a path there which many women have walked and can help support you  - be very kind to yourself , take much care x

[MrsC83]

I haven’t posted on here in a very long time, but I had to when I heard your story.
I had been with my husband for 13 years, married for 7 and TTC for 5 when we came to the end of the road on our marriage. It was a variety of factors but we had 4 failed IVF cycles and it put such a strain on us that we just changed into different people. He wanted to stop trying and he started up a business and put all his energy into that so we were barely spending any time together. I pretended I was fine with a break but really I was counting down to starting the whole process again, but I was very depressed and seeing him find happiness with work and grow into a person who didn’t really need me was making me worse (I know how awful that sounds). We felt disconnected and went to marriage counselling, but by that time it was too late, we just wanted different things out of life and he ended it.

This was 18 months ago, it has been a hard journey but I am happier now and I have no regrets. I realised I was so fixated about wanting a baby that I had stopped having fun and enjoying anything in life. Surround yourself by positive people and do things you’ve always wanted to do, just for you (I got my eyes lasered and went to Sri Lanka by myself)!

Give yourself time to heal before looking into options - there’s no reason you can’t do this by yourself. I have ended up meeting someone who has two children, and I am so much happier in this relationship because it doesn’t carry all the baggage of what we had been through before. Children may still be in my future but no matter what I’m going to make damn sure I’m surrounded by friends and family who care about me.

Trust me, you are stronger than you think. Big hugs xxxx

[wendycat]

I haven't been on FF for years, but i saw your post and wanted to just offer some support. I am so sorry this has happened to you and I am sorry that your grief has been compounded by more grief. This is a tough tough situation and you will both be extremely raw.


Be kind to yourself xx