General > Coping With Infertility

The body which lost his children

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star_catcher:
I have been with my oh for 15 years. We spent 10 years trying for a baby. Multiple IVFs, several operations, so much alternative treatment, diet plans, therapy. My body rejected every attempt we made. Last summer we were told by the fertility doctor there was nothing more we could do. We both agreed to have a year out then look to adopt. We had some therapy. We took a holiday. We started to make new plans.

My OH is as loving as ever, he buys flowers, cooks my favourite meals, talks about when we will grow old together.

But he won't look me in the eye. The sight of my naked body makes him think of Hitler. If I try to seduce him he laughs in my face and says my tricks don't work on him now. If we have sex and I get aroused or wet he responds with disgust. I don't remember the last time we were intimate, and he didn't lose focus physically. He has rewritten the story of how we got together to say I tricked and trapped him. A few months ago he told me he does not see the point of sleeping with me now I can't have his children. We went to couples counselling and he denied he had said that. He makes constant jokes, in private and to other people, about me being broken and crazy and unstable. When I say I feel hurt he says it is because I am oversensitive. He refuses to talk about the physical things going on with him or to accept that he might be struggling.

I understand hatred of my body - I went through an intense self-blaming after the second loss. Maybe this is a phase of grief he is going through. But it's been 6 months. What if this does not end? What if I will always now be the body which lost his children.

I don't want to walk away from my marriage, but I can't spend the rest of my life with someone who can't look at me and who blames me.

Has anyone else got through this?

snowdropwood:
Hi there , 

I am not in the same situation as you but I feel alarm bells when I read this  - about abusive behaviour ( coercive and controlling behaviour ) .  This is illegal but extremely difficult to prove and for people to be convicted for . ( I have have been the victim of abuse and was always impossible to acheive any justice so never did ) .  In some ways it sounds psychopathic too.   I also see gas lighting from what you write.

Womens Aid comes to mind  - they have a website and you may be able to speak to someone or at least email ?

It sounds like you have gone through so much on your fertility journey and you mention adoption.   I havent gone through what you have as I am single having treatment although I did have IVF previously with an abusive person .  I was trapped at the time. I think it is really positive that you are writing and asking questions and being open . I hope that others have some things to suggest also ( might be more useful than mine ) but I do feel alarm bells tbh.  Take good care x

ZC:
You are not broken. But he might be. There are elements of coercive control here. His behaviour is unacceptable. You are not responsible for any of his behaviour.

You sound like a beautiful loving person. Please talk to your GP privately who will refer you to someone who can help. Just for yourself for now. Start there.

X

Amy76:
Star_catcher Iím so sorry you are going through this, although you say he is as loving as ever it really doesnít sound very loving the way he is behaving & I agree with snowdropwood that his behaviour rings alarm bells to me. Do you have friends or family you can talk to? Itís a difficult time with everything going on at the moment but this doesnít feel right to me, please stay safe & know there are people available to listen & help, take care  ^hugme^

Amy xxx

star_catcher:
Thank you @Amy76 @ZC and @snowdropwood

I know the behaviour and comments are completely inappropriate. I also know it is out of character. My OH has never been violent or threatening or physically controlling and the shaming and rejecting behaviour is new this year. While he denied some of it in therapy I have also seen him make changes. I do not feel unsafe.  I do feel hurt. I do want to know if there is a way back from here.
I am aware that during lockdown, there are many many people living with domestic violence and not enough services to offer that much needed support and I honestly don't think I am a priority for that.
The specific behaviours I describe are not loving, I know that, I also know that there are many other behaviours and interactions between us which are.
My own alarm bells have been ringing. This is not something I will tolerate long term. But I really hope there is a way through this for us as a couple.

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