* Author Topic: Does anybody feel guilty??  (Read 983 times)

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Offline MissMayhem

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Does anybody feel guilty??
« on: 28/07/20, 04:31 »
Hi there, not been active here for a long time.  Please don't shoot me with this question but it's something I've been grappling with for ages - do any of you mothers over 40, (over 45 really as that's me!) feel guilty for having a young baby at this age?  I have an amazing LO now through adoption but lots of people ask me if I will have another - but I worry soooo much that I will be too old, or they will be embarrassed - probably wasn't helped by a rude stranger loudly declaring that I was old enough to be LO's grandmother,  But just wondered what everyone else's thoughts are on this please?

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    Offline jdm4tth3ws

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    Does anybody feel guilty??
    « Reply #1 on: 28/07/20, 08:52 »

    Hi Miss Mayhem. Congratulations on your LO. 🎊🎊

    I am 47, nearly 48 and my youngest is 17 months. There is absolutely no guilt at me having him at a more mature age..... if people want to be rude, then that's up to them, it's no reflection on me at all. Inasmuch it's their problem, not mine.

    Yes comments can sting a bit, but then I think they're not lucky enough to wake up to a smiling, innocent youngster like we are, all innocence lost in their lives. Weve still got the joy of young innocence.

    Were lucky, those rude people are turning into bitter, old people 😂😂😂😂😂 Were not old, just slightly maturing 😂😂😂😂

    Offline staceysm

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    Does anybody feel guilty??
    « Reply #2 on: 28/07/20, 08:59 »
    Hi,

    Donít ever feel guilty.  I truly believed I would have my family complete by 30.  I brought a flat at 19 yrs of age and met and got engaged to someone when I was 25 years of age.  I was honest about what I wanted.  Things didnít work out and I met my husband at 30 years of age.  Fertility problems meant that at nearly 47, I have a 10 and 7 year old.  I am constantly called their Nan when I am out and it does annoy me. 

    All that matters is we have children who are dearly loved and wanted and sod everyone else.

    X

    Offline Clara Rose

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    Does anybody feel guilty??
    « Reply #3 on: 28/07/20, 12:53 »
    Congratulations on your LO MissMayhem!

    I agree with staceysm, don't ever feel guilty. I'm 55 and my twins turned 5 last week. I have been mistaken for the their gran a few times and it is annoying, but I don't let it bother me. I waited so long to become a Mum and having the twins still seems like a miracle. I absolutely will not let guilt about my age spoil it! Older Mums are far more common than they used to be anyway.

    Being a Mum is the best thing in the world. Enjoy! :)

    Offline Podgeley

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    Does anybody feel guilty??
    « Reply #4 on: 28/07/20, 14:45 »
    Hi MissMayhem,

    Sometimes I panic that I will be nearly sixty when our twins turn 18 as I had them as I headed towards 42.  I fell for them whilst doing a mock cycle with my clinic in Greece and at that point the only the second time I had positive on the PoS .  They are 3 and a half now and I've just turned 45.  We also have an older son who came from our first ever IVF who's almost 12. 

    Luckily I haven't had any comments about my age or being their Nan yet although wonder if this will change as I age!  Particularly worried about it when they start school next year but I don't think I will let it bother me too much as I feel so blessed to have my family.  The only person who has ever said anything about being too old for more is my dad but that's just the way he is.   ::)

    I had early miscarriage at the end of last year and it has really set myself and DH off again about wanting more... 
    Other people's opinions would not stop me but I do understand why it might be a worry sometimes and I know one of my friends was determined not have any more children after 30!  She was luckily enough to have her 2 young and no fertility issues but I think her view is coloured by losing her mum at 12 and being ultra conscious of leaving her children.   All kids are embarrassed about something to do with their parents but one of my best childhood friend's dad was 50 when she was born and retired by the time we were finishing primary school so he was around a lot when we were younger and he was such fun and is still a very sprightly 95 year old who is involved with his grandkids.

    Sorry to ramble on but try not to let it worry you too much and make choices based on just you, your child and family I guess?!
    Chin up - other people can very stupid sometimes!
    Podge
    xx

    Offline MissMayhem

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    Does anybody feel guilty??
    « Reply #5 on: 30/07/20, 04:27 »
    Oh thank you all so much girls (I still call myself that so by default you all are too!) am so glad I asked and so glad nobody was offended. It was particularly good to hear of spritely grandparents and of kids always being embarrassed about something! :) I too thought I would be a mother so much younger but getting life stuff sorted and then fertility stuff put paid to that.  The stranger comment was almost two years back now when I was a spritely 43 year old and before I developed eye bags big enough for me to hide it, but it stung and stuck and have thought of it lots since, but youíre all right especially jdm4tth3ws about the beauty of that innocence and joy. Iím currently debating second time adoption and wondering if Iím mad at my age and as single parent too as would be two under three, worrying my LO wonít adjust well and worrying about the age. May well go for it and see what the powers that be decide. Thank you all so much, continued love and happiness to you all. Xx

    Offline K jade

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    Does anybody feel guilty??
    « Reply #6 on: 30/07/20, 08:39 »
    Its absolutely ludicrous that someone would think a woman in her EARLY 40s was a grandmother, what planet r they on. And what century are they living in!?
    Ignore they're idiots

    Personally I've never understood what's negative about being a so called older mother. At 23 i was drinking and partying all weekend. Sleeping off a hangover the rest of the time. Didn't own a house. No financial security. Always tired.
    Yet society views that as 'better for the child' for some reason.
    Because you 'have more energy'. Absolute [email protected]😂

    I was raised by my 66 year old grandmother. Great childhood.
    My 47 year old DP is a fantastic dad.

    Plz ignore any ridiculous comments. Not worth your energy x





    Offline miamiamo

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    « Reply #7 on: 1/08/20, 15:37 »
    It's your life and you can live it only once, unfortunately. Do not allow other people or their opinions stop you doing what you want in your life. If Coco listened to others, we would not wear trousers these days. In my opinion you cannot also decide what your children will be thinking in the future, it will be their opinion, and they might be happy that you decided going this route and will be proud of you. xx

    Offline MissMayhem

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    « Reply #8 on: 7/08/20, 03:58 »
    Ah, thank you all so much!  Gave me a smile reading these comments back and the new ones!  I too was partying hard in my 20s, and 30s, and some of my 40s until LO came and changed my world in the best possible way!  Have you all given birth to your children?  I only ask as can't see your signatures now am in reply mode and prior to LO coming I thought that once we were happy and settled I would do one final donor cycle abroad so that was my plan; then a few months back we were sat there cuddling one evening and I just thought 'this is it' all need for anything else was gone, LO had completed everything...then few months later I get the call about a birth sibling.  I just want to do the best for LO; part of me wants LO to have siblings so wants to go for it with new baby; teeny part of me occasionally wonders if I would regret missing out on the pregnancy/birth bit - a HUGE shift from where I was as just a few years back where I could see no future for me at all without that; amazing what two chubby little arms around your neck can do for you eh!  Thanks again everybody!xx

    Offline jdm4tth3ws

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    Does anybody feel guilty??
    « Reply #9 on: 7/08/20, 08:04 »
    Hi Miss Mayhem,

    If the news of a birth sibling for your LO excites you, I would say you know what path you should be taking. All my kids are birth kids, but I did look into adoption when we found out we had problems. Unfortunately hubby was dead against adoption, but okay with ivf. I was never sure I wanted to do ivf but it was the only option available to me. However, you have a wonderful opportunity to provide love, care, security, everything to your LOs sibling. I think its wonderful. You can always go.for donor further down the line, if you feel like it. There isnt a massive time pressure on you with donor. But you have the chance of another beautiful little baby to come into your familys lives and I imagine that IS time pressured. Ultimately though, you have to do what's right for you and your family.

    (Eek!! Excited for you!!! If you all want it) xxxx