Praying for a 2nd miracle - ICSI #8

[Lanee]

I’m sitting here by myself about to consult a new doctor in Asia to see whether I can either transfer my frozen embryos or frozen sperm here to try again.

Things have been better between DH and I but he is still not supportive of me trying here in Asia. He thinks we should wait until the borders open so that I’m not stressed about doing it here and it will also cost around 6x more money so he thinks it is too expensive.

My concern is time and age though so I personally feel that if it is possible, I want to be open and potentially try here. At least get all the information and research it first. So here I am, the first time I’ve really outright lied to DH about where I am. It feels strange and I know I’m not doing anything wrong like cheating on him or anything but it does feel really bizarre.

The other development is that we spoke very thoroughly about potentially adopting one of baby boy’s cousins in the future. I’m not sure about it - I definitely love the idea of having a big family but it is a big responsibility and I don’t know if I could love the baby like my own. And I don’t know how the parents will be - will they still see their child as their own? Perhaps then it’s more of a guardianship arrangement. Apparently this is very normal in my husband’s culture to have a child live with an uncle or aunt or be adopted in that way. While it gives me some hope of creating a larger family I also don’t know if it will just add more complications.

Anyway .. let’s see how things go post this appointment.

[FertilityFriends]

[Lanee]

So not telling DH totally backfired on me. Tomorrow I’m supposed to go back to the IVF clinic for a counselling session and the darn clinic called my husband to check if we were turning up 😱😱😱 obviously he had no idea that I had this set up. I can’t believe the darn clinic used my emergency contacts and called DH because they couldn’t get through to me 😬🙄

But to back track a little. The appointment with the supposed doctor here who is the “father of IVF” didn’t go as well as I hoped. I didn’t have that good a vibe about him even though every thing he said was fine. I just felt it was a little cookie cutter in approach. Even though he seems organised and have a lot of knowledge. The key issue is that he doesn’t do fresh cycles - all frozen although he is willing to freeze on day 3. He has really good statistics for success but I just have some hesitation.

Meanwhile things have been going well with DH. We have created a little floor bed to have some privacy and adult time away from baby boy (who sleeps with us in bed). So one night when we were both in a good mood, I asked again and explained how I needed to keep progressing with trying. But he was again adamant that we are to only try in Oz. He wants our babies to be conceived and born in Oz. So with the vibe I felt post seeing the doctor and this chat with DH, I had decided not to go through with the counselling session but forgot to cancel it! Anyway, luckily when he asked me today about the random call he received, I managed to dismiss it and just say I had forgotten to cancel it.  He told me it stressed him out when they called - I actually have no idea why because I have to do all the work and he just needs to support but whatever ...

So that’s where we are at. I’m still keen to transfer my embryos over here in Asia ...truth be told as that is not so expensive and helps me feel like we are trying in parallel. But don’t think I can get DH on board with this and if it doesn’t succeed I’m sure he will blame me for not listening.

In the meantime, I’m going to take 3 months to get my body in tip top shape with the supplements and acupuncture and hope and pray that somehow the borders can reopen.

[Lanee]

NYE2021

Can’t believe it is NYE. I have that same feeling I used to have while trying for baby #1 but hope I can shake it and focus on all the things to appreciate in my life.

I’ve been feeling a little off the past 3 days. Really tense - with work playing in the back of my mind. The fact that this year is finished and I didn’t achieve the pregnancy I wanted. I’m trying to remind myself that I had baby boy 10 years later than I had hoped so it’s nothing new to have to wait for good things to happen. 

Anyway hoping 2021 brings so much joy, great health and happiness for everyone. Wishing you all lots of baby dust and hope 2021 is the year that more of our dreams do come true.

[Lanee]

Omg third time I’m writing this post as the page keeps timing out and I lose what I wrote before. Must be a sign to be more succinct. 🙄🤣

Day 3 of 2021 and I haven’t started to be any healthier. I really do want to try for baby #2 but just can’t get into gear.

I feel like I’m in limbo and not having a plan of when I can try again is really making me feel down and out of sorts. DH is still adamant not to try in Asia and I have no idea when Covid is going away. I don’t feel like travel will happen anytime in 2021 and my work certainly won’t let me work from Oz again for 4-5mths. So I’m at a total impasse. How will we try if I can’t do any cycles. And I’m only 4 months away from turning 41.

My only hope is waiting a few months and asking DH again if he is willing to try in Asia. Hopefully by then we will get a better idea that Covid is not going away and he will be more open. I’ve had some crazy thoughts like quitting my job to move back to Oz but it totally doesn’t make any sense to give up a decent paying job for no job in Oz just to try for IVF. And even if crazy, both these plans take time. And time is not on my side.

A friend of mine just announced she is pregnant at 43 and for the first time, I’ve felt hopeful rather than jealous. I’m trying to feel comfortable with being an older mum and not being worried about that and just having some faith that we can have a baby even if I’m 42 or 43. The other thing I’m trying to feel ok about is the age gap between baby 1 & 2. I wanted them to be close in age but I need to feel ok with a bigger age gap. I went through all of this the first time around with having to readjust my dreams and expectations and I know if we are lucky enough to have baby #2, all these fears will evaporate and we will just be so grateful.

I’m also trying to get comfortable with if it doesn’t happen for us, baby boy will have his cousins to have a relationship with as I’ve been feeling guilty about not being able to give him a sibling.

Anyway ... am enjoying time with baby boy and loving his clingyness- it’s such a different experience being a mum. An experience I could never imagine and am so grateful for. One day left of my holidays before I get back to work 😓.

[Lanee]

Feeling so disappointed with DH right now. So I have really been hoping and thinking inside that I want to transfer my embryos and DS to Asia to do one cycle before I turn 41 and one cycle in the back half of this year at 41 if the next one is unsuccessful.


DH basically completely shut it down tonight - basically telling me "my final answer is NO!" And he just did it in such a selfish and angry way - he is not open to discussing it and just can't talk about it without being annoyed about me even considering it. It's just so disappointing as he doesn't consider how I feel at all. He doesn't consider my age.


He feels that if I try to "force" it to happen, it's not a good thing. I just feel where there is a will, there is a way and it's actually relatively straightforward.


He prefers that I travel to Oz and go through 2 weeks of quarantine rather than ship everything here. I suppose he isn't shutting the door completely but at the same time, he knows 100% that going back to Oz is not an option for a number of reasons. 1) we have already been there for nearly 6 months so if I stay longer, I may have to pay tax there and 2) my job and work won't allow me to fly back ... I would need to take leave to do it and I don't have that much leave. So it may be a possibility for the second half of this year (as the new tax year starts from 1 July) but certainly not for the first half of this year. So basically, I have no more options open to me in the next 6 months unless by some miracle a travel bubble opens up.  (I suppose I have 2 Day 6 embryos banked and that is my only consolation but I honestly don't want to count on them given I wasn't even successful with my PGD normal ones).


It's hard - because the reality of my age and the fact that it's looking less and less likely that I will have as second child is eventuating and I do need to accept this. I feel DH just doesn't get the reality - he thinks if it is going to happen, it will happen. Whereas I know it takes chances - it's about trying and finding that golden egg/embryo and it won't happen every cycle. So yes, we need to get lucky but we need to increase our chances too.


I feel this will be the second time he has really taken away "time" and opportunities from me. The first time with his pursuit of natural remedies for his NOA when I knew all along that none of that would work. I waited 6 years for him to come around to doing a mTESE and then after than another 2 years to get his head around DS. It was an incredibly hard time but I let it be and supported him.


This time around, again, he doesn't understand the reality of fertility declining at the age of 40. I guess he doesn't feel the urgency as we are so so lucky to have baby boy and maybe I need to just get on the same page. It's hard though because I'm not there. Sometimes I certainly think to myself that I couldn't handle another baby and I am so grateful to just have one healthy little one but other times, I know I really want to try for #2. It would be so amazing to have a sibling for this little one. I need to keep the faith that it will happen if we continue to desire it.


This is so stupid but ... in the past, there have been a few different fortune tellers have so called told me that I will only have 1 child. In fact, they even said that I will have my first child when I was older (which turned out to be true even though I really planned and wanted them much earlier). I can't help but keep thinking about this in the back of my mind. But at the same time, I suppose no fortune teller is accurate and if it's something I really want, I shouldn't let this stop me from trying.


So anyway, just wanted to get it off my chest as I feel there is no one else I can talk to. I am so majorly disappointed with DH and so majorly disappointed that I feel he is essentially taking away my real chance of trying for baby #2. I wanted to cry as I don't even know why I'm taking 13 different vitamin pills a day and I just re-started acupuncture last week. All feels a little hopeless at the moment.


All I can now pray for is a pathway home to Oz somehow.