Donor dying of cancer

[wilberdoo]

Just wondered if anyone else had experienced this situation.   I found out today that our sperm donor is dying of terminal brain cancer (non hereditary) and I'm so upset that this has happened to him and that my son won't have the opportunity to contact him when he's older.   

He's only young (the donor) and I feel so awful for him and his family, and so awful for our son.  I also feel weird about using our remaining embryo next month given the situation.   Not sure about any future IVF cycles yet with his sperm - we hadn't planned any but I liked having the option - we are waiting for updated consent.  I feel selfish worrying about that!!  My husband has taken the news well and is more practical - as usual I'm more emotional

I can't stop crying and feel like I lost a family member!  Anyone else experienced this? I never saw this situation coming!

thanks 

[FertilityFriends]

[K jade]

Oh my gosh how awful
I dont know what 2 say hun
Is it possible to send a card via the clinic to let him know what an amazing thing he did, I wander If that might bring him some 'comfort'
Probably not using the right words here.

I would still use the embryo.
Ultimately your children wont get to meet him but they will still be able to access info on him and potentially photos.
I dont think many want to meet their donors anyway. Just have info on who they were.

Sending love xx

[wilberdoo]

Thanks K Jade that really helps. Yes we will write to him via the clinic to say thanks, send photos and ask some questions. Would like to get photos for our son if we can .

[K jade]

That sounds like a lovely idea

How incredibly sad  xx

[Rio2016]

Sending love to you ❤️❤️❤️

In my mind I’ve imagined meeting / having contact with our egg donor when my daughter is old enough. It must be such a shock. I’ve also randomly considered what if something happens to her but probably more as I’m a worrier. Your post has made me reconsider how i frame the possibility of making contact / finding them as I need to remember it’s not a given always xxx

[Northern]

I’m so sorry to hear this, how awful 

Definitely contact the clinic and see if you can send something. Important for a few reasons I think - if your boy is ever curious and would have made contact it might be comforting for him to know you did it on his behalf when you had the chance. But also for the donor - I egg shared and there’s definitely part of me that would want to know how my recipient is doing, if it was the other way round. I would welcome the contact before it’s too late.

Also don’t feel guilt for using your remaining embryo or planning future rounds - people donate for many reasons and it’s a blessing that part of him will be living on through your kids.

Sending love, what an awful thing for everyone xx

[Artypants]

This is so sad, i would be completely distraught to hear this news too. I hope you are able to pass on a letter and photos or acknowledge your thanks in some way.

I often think about my egg donor, I often wonder what she is like and what her life is like.

This must be really tough to imagine them going through anything like this when they were so selfless themselves, it seems so unfair. 

What a really sad situation, big hug to you xx

[Anenome]

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear this awful news.   Lots of lovely suggestions regardidng sending letters and cards which could also be a comfort to his family in time.

I'm going to offer a different view as a parent of teenage donor conceived children.  While it is true that some DC children have no desire to meet their donor,  I know from experience that they do at least like that door to be available to them should they wish.  Some actively search for their donors before they are 18.   With this in mind, I feel that deliberately choosing to have a child with a donor who has died could be  difficult for your future child.   On the other hand, I think a lot depends on how you approach it and you sound like a very thoughful person and a lovely mum.  Of course donors will sadly die and this is one of the things that will be faced by many.

I know that this is an agonising decision as you also have the consideration of your other child having a full sibling which can be very important for children, perhaps over and above being able to meet their donor.  Only you can make the decision and I just wanted to give a different perspective.

Is there anyway you could access a session of counselling to go through all the issues and to support your family?  The Donor Conception Network have a helpline and can signpost to a counsellor.

Whatever you decide I wish you the very best and I am so sorry.

A xxx

[miamiamo]

I am so sorry, and I am sure your son will understand when he will grow that  unfortunately life is not always fair and you did everything you could.

[wilberdoo]

Thanks all, we’ve been in contact with the donor - he has emailed me pictures and lots of family info. It’s a little weird and overwhelming and I think hard for DH but I’m pleased for our sons sake. I was under the impression he was near the end but apparently he had surgery that removed all the tumour but it’s expected to grow back. Great he’ll be around for a few more years but so strange to now have all this info. Apparently 3 other boys have been born from his sperm and he has a daughter who I’ve now seen photos of. Very surreal! But then again good to know and doesn’t affect our family right now.
He is supportive of using the embryo so I’ll go for it - transfer next week. Life is certainly a bloody roller coaster!!