* Author Topic: If you could ask your donor.....  (Read 95455 times)

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Offline Dominique123456

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Re: If you could ask your donor.....
« Reply #80 on: 15/03/09, 12:35 »
Angela - i think putting your feelings about future contact on the form is a really good idea and would definitely help manage everyone's expectations.

I don't think that you can blame people for assuming that the donor doesn't mind to be contacted given how the law makes being contactable a requirement. Being a donor does have some emotional responsibilities and is the primary reason there is a sperm donor shortage. Yes, you sign over 'rights' to the egg in terms of who will parent it, and with that the donor knows they have no rights concerning that child.

However, my point is that the focus should be taken away from the parents and put onto the child. The child could be forgiven for developing a curiosity or emotional interest in the whereabouts or background of their biological donor (whether donor or parents like it or not). As an egg donor I feel a responsibility to that child simply because I have chosen to donate an egg and therefore I'm the only one who would be able to provide closure/information to that child when they grew up.

If I come across a child that is lost in a supermarket, I don't refuse to help them simply because they don't belong to me. I would help them because I'm able to and wouldn't like to think of them in any distress because of my actions.

I have two sisters who are adopted and I've watched them go through the process of connecting with their biological parents (different parents) and it has been very eye-opening for me about my responsibilities as an egg donor. Both of my sisters just wanted to make basic contact and maybe meet or write a couple of times nothing more than that.

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    Offline thumbelina

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    Re: If you could ask your donor.....
    « Reply #81 on: 15/03/09, 20:24 »
    Angela

    I am waiting to receive the forms to start my next tx and I will be egg sharing.

    To start with the only reason was to bring the costs down, but since I have thought and read more about it, I have decided I would like to donate more eggs once my treatment has finished. I have seen and felt myself how badly IF effects people. If the tx doesnt work for me but does for the donor of course I will be sad for myself but I will be so happy for the recipient. If it wasnt for them I probrably wouldnt have a shot to be a mum and it would make me feel so proud to know I have helped to make someone elses dreams come true.

    My dp and myself have discussed this in depth and while we know we are giving the eggs away and the children will be someone elses, we also know the responsibility that comes with it. I couldnt cope with myself knowing that I have given my eggs away but not being there to answer any questions that the children may have in the future. They have a right to know about their background or anything else they want to know.

     ^hugme^ - I can see you are having a hard time and I really think you and dh should think and talk about it more before you start. I agree with A.T.C.C if you leave the issues that you have now they will just get bigger.

    Offline A.T.C.C

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    Re: If you could ask your donor.....
    « Reply #82 on: 15/03/09, 20:29 »
    Hi Thumbelina


    I havent got any issues sweetheart ... maybe you have read wrong????

    Offline thumbelina

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    Re: If you could ask your donor.....
    « Reply #83 on: 15/03/09, 20:38 »
    A.T.C.C -  lol no I was saying to Angela that I agree with you that if she leaves the issues that she has then her issues will get bigger.  That is what you wrote to her on a previous post.

    Offline Dominique123456

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    Re: If you could ask your donor.....
    « Reply #84 on: 15/03/09, 20:51 »
    Angela although I've obviously got a different view to you, I am really glad that you're thinking about the possible repercussions of egg donation and best and worst case scenarios. Unfortunately it's so hard for anyone to predict how we or a child might feel in 18 years time - I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow most of the time!

    The inescapable fact is that once you donate egg/s it can't be undone. It's crucial to be sure because if you regret your decision to donate eggs you're stuck but if you have to wait longer to pay for ICSI, or you have to take out a loan, then that is potentially a short-term challenge rather than a long-term decision if you know what I mean.

    In terms of you not being interested in an 18 year old, I find that puzzling. We all know that when we were 18 we we're still so very young and vulnerable in many ways. People don't become grown-ups overnight and even 80 years olds still have issues arising from their childhood!

    Being a parent and/or egg donor doesn't mean that at 18 we stop having some (small) responsibility to the person we helped to create.

    Either way I think it's important that if you go ahead with egg donation that the parents-to-be know of your feelings, especially as they would be significantly contributing financially to your treatment and the UK anonymity law might be the reason why they have stayed in the UK to find an egg donor even though it's cheaper and easier abroad.

    It's also worth figuring out what you would tell your child if you both conceived during an egg share cycle. Would you tell them that they had a biological half-sibling 'out there'? Regardless of your wishes the child will have identifiable information about you - birth date, last address, maiden name, profession etc with which they could find you even, if you tried not to be found. One of my sisters used social media to find her biological mum and the other used a detective for 200 who could search the internet, land registries, phonebooks, some transactions and other members of her family tree. With adoption you only really get a name, date of birth and maybe a last address so it's not much to go on but both my sisters were successful.

    If you decide to go ahead it's best to be prepared that contact might happen.

    Offline A.T.C.C

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    Re: If you could ask your donor.....
    « Reply #85 on: 15/03/09, 21:27 »
    Angela
    Im not sure if the treatment would be able to go ahead if a counsellor doesnt think you are ready to deal with it.
    Has a counsellor said that everything is ok?

    moo2275

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    Re: If you could ask your donor.....
    « Reply #86 on: 15/03/09, 21:49 »
    I would probably have a million questions but I would really like to know why that wanted to donate. I like to think that it is because he is just a nice guy!

    Offline LiziBee

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    Re: If you could ask your donor.....
    « Reply #87 on: 15/03/09, 22:07 »
    Angela - having read about your anuty's child I can see where you are coming from ^hugme^ have you expressed this to the counsellor?
    One other point I'd like to make is that I have no desire for my children to contact their donor UNLESS that action will help them to feel more comfortable in themselves.
    Does that help?
    Lizi.x

    Offline A.T.C.C

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    Re: If you could ask your donor.....
    « Reply #88 on: 15/03/09, 22:13 »




    Angela
    As a donor i dont feel any responsibility for any child born of my donations cos thats not why i went into it ... i just see it as ive given a couple a gift and its for them to take care of.
    The difference is that i wouldnt mind someone knocking my door in 18 yrs cos they wouldnt be looking for a mother cos their mother gave birth to them. Im not giving a child away im a just donating a cell from my body to someone else to give them a chance of being a parent.
    In my view this is totally different to adoption where there must be so many questions for a child to ask their biological parents..... adopted children may have issues of feeling abandoned and want to know why.
    With a donor child im sure their reasons would be totally different and maybe if you do make it clear on the green form that you have reservations about contact from a child then the parents may advise the child not to contact you.

    I dont know the answer to this at all because it is clear we all have different views and must respect that.
    I just wish you the best Angela xxx

    Offline Dominique123456

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    Re: If you could ask your donor.....
    « Reply #89 on: 15/03/09, 22:36 »
    Angela - that's really interesting to know more about where you're coming from, thanks for sharing that. I can certainly see why you might have reservations.

    It's so frustrating relying on a donor to help make your family, I don't want my child to suffer because of it. So it's about doing whatever is in my power to help them be as healthy physically and mentally as possible. If research shows that being able to contact the donor, even just for minimal contact, helps them grow into happier & better adjusted human beings, then what sort of mum would I be to stand in their way or make it difficult for them?

    "sorry you can't have it both ways if you want to bring the child up as your own then that is exactly what it is yours."

    Angela, I'm sorry but I think it's naive to think that we as parents have the final say as to who, owns who.

    That child WILL be the responsibility of the recipient family BUT that doesn't mean that the egg or sperm donors simply don't exist. The realities of donor conception is that these children do have a more complicated family history that I think is impossible to ignore.

    You don't own people, even if they are 'your' child, so being free to be contacted as an egg donor or allowing your child to contact their donor is part of helping any of the children conceived through donors access to their rights as a human being to understand more about their identity.

    In practice I think it's really unlikely that the child from the egg I donated will contact me because I gave such a full and comprehensive biography of family history, interests, beliefs etc that I can't imagine what more they would learn from meeting me?