* Author Topic: Feeling so sad.  (Read 964 times)

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Offline Tinx

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Feeling so sad.
« on: 7/11/06, 13:59 »

Hi all.

I had 2 wonderful embryos transferred last Thursday and 11 more were frozen in our first IVF attempt. It has been such a tough ride as I have really suffered with the drugs. After the treatment I was INCREDIBLY sore and bloated, but relieved to have got so far. I have been terribly tearful throughout this entire process but started to feel better a day or 2 ago. Have just checked my emails and a friend had chosen this traumatic time to announce her 5 week pregnancy. Am soooo distressed, hurt and angry I dont know where to put myself. How could she tell me now of all times, I know its never a good time, but still.

I dont know if I want to respond and if I do all I feel is pain, I certainly cant congratulate her at the moment. Mind you will I ever feel pleased for her??

Does anyone have any coping mechanisms or advice?? I cant stop crying and I am so aware that this cant be a good environment for my embiies to try and snuggle into.

Tinx.

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    Offline LilyAnne

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    Re: Feeling so sad.
    « Reply #1 on: 7/11/06, 14:37 »
    Hi Tinx,
    First of all a big congratulations for getting as far as transfer and the 2ww. So many don't even get to EC, let alone have 2 wonderful embies on board. Plus you mention 11 frozen embies - that's also worth patting yourself on your back for as they only freeze good ones (I've got 1!).

    Secondly, don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do about your friend. Obviously your friend had no idea how much it would hurt, which of course it does. Noone knows what ttc for a long time means until one goes through it oneself. Although your feelings are completely normal they are also being challenged by all the hormones you've not only stopped injecting suddenly, but the new ones happening now. I've lost it many a time when DH has wanted to go to a celebration/wedding and I've known newly born babies would be there all centre of attention and occasionally we've gone and I've avoided them, or sometimes when things have been really bad we've made our excuses.

    Obviously if you weren't ttc, you would be so happy for her, but as you are and it's such a crucial time, give yourself a break. When you're ready congratulate her. I tell myself in the end it's not their fault I can't get pregnant and as they haven't been through it themselves they will never know what it feels like. We have to accept that. Sometimes it can actually feel good to tackle the situation head on. For example, I answered the phone the other day to a member of DH's baby to be told all the news of another niece (grandchild) being born. Afterwards DH said he was so proud of me as I tried so hard to be strong and afterwards even felt proud of myself.

    Don't forget though you are allowed to feel bitter, angry, resentful and envious. They might not be the nicest traits but they exist and we will obviously be there at times like this as having a baby means sooo much to you (and me!).

    The very best of luck with the wonderful 2 embies on board. There's a lot to be said for keeping positive, hence the  ^reiki^ , so make your embies total prority right now. (I remember getting unbelievably upset when a new member of the family came on the scene - within a year she was pregnant and whilst I was still feeling bitter and hurt, she went and got pregnant again! I decided it was time to concentrate on me and forget about everyone else).

    Lots of love, Lily. xx  ^fairydust^  ^fairydust^  ^fairydust^  ^fairydust^

    Offline darl

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    Re: Feeling so sad.
    « Reply #2 on: 7/11/06, 14:56 »
    Hi Tinx, wow you are in a wonderful position with your IVF. What a marvellous response your body gave, 11 frosties is super for you. I know the drugs can be a real killer. Try to be nice to yourself and spoil yourself. Make sure hubby look after you. You will always have to deal with other peoples babies you can't hide from it. It hurts like hell but no-one especially a friend will deliberately want to make you feel worse than you already do. Find it in you to just feel joy for them becuase when it works for you that is just what they will do.

    There's no text book coping - its horrible. Use us on this site, rely on hubby and stay positive- your turn will come.

    xxx


    Offline druzy

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    Re: Feeling so sad.
    « Reply #3 on: 7/11/06, 15:24 »
    Dear Tinx

    I really feel for you, although I am 41 I have an old school friend who is TTC at the same time who is a little older than me, neither of us have got there yet (she's just found out she has quite bad MF) but I often wonder how I would/will feel if she got there before me and vice versa.  She is a very upfront person but also, by her own admission, quite tactless and I'm sure she wouldn't spare my feelings and be unashamedly leaping all over me with joy despite knowing about my situation,  IVF x 3 and ectopic last cycle.....so I'm just saying I can well imagine how you feel.

    I'm not surprised you're feeling sad and for what it's worth I think I would try to deal with it by at first allowing myself to be upset and feel all the things we think we shouldn't feel such as anger, resentment and jealousy and then, perhaps, start trying to come terms with it by accepting that it isn't my turn yet, although it may well be my turn at some point soon, and by also trying to accept, unfair as it certainly is, that I cannot control the fact that others in the world reproduce (I try to always tell myself this so that I don't get to the stage where I can't stand seeing babies on the street - I think if I get to this stage I would be really permanently unhappy).  I think I would also try to explain to her that although I am pleased for her and wish her well, I am really suffering in my IF situation and therefore may find it hard to deal with her pregnancy at the moment and then keep a bit of a distance for a while if that's possible....I think the best I could expect to feel would be if I managed to communicate to her how I felt whilst at the same time maintaining my dignity - if I managed that I might even feel pleased with myself about it.

    Fundamentally I guess we have to try and hold on to the fact that our lives are unique to us and the good bits and difficulties that we encounter are also unique to us and so although it is natural, it is ultimately fruitless to compare our lives with others...

    All this is very easy to say but overall I just wanted to say that I really feel for you and hope that some of the others will perhaps be able to share their experiences of how they have coped.

    Personally I wouldn't worry about how being upset will affect your embies during the 2ww, I've read lots of info to say that people's state of mind doesn't actually affect the outcome and I personally I believe it.  I remember reading someone who said that being in a bad mood can't actually stop you getting pregnant - and I think that's true!

    Stay strong and ^reiki^ ^reiki^ for your 2ww

    love Druzyx

    Offline Tinx

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    Re: Feeling so sad.
    « Reply #4 on: 8/11/06, 11:55 »
    Dear Lily, Darl and Druzy

    Thank you all so much for your support.

    I spent all day in a real state yesterday after I had read the announcement email, then I was beating myself up for hours about the fact that I was so sad and my poor embies would feel it! I have calmed down now. DH is the most supportive man alive and we talked it out last night. He said pretty much the same as you all in the sense that it`s ok to feel every emotion that I am experiencing, that its such a difficult and drug infused time and that the friend did not set out to hurt me. I guess that I have to really keep that in my mind and to push all the negative rubbish out. I do know this but at times its so tough. I feel such a slave to my hormones. Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. Also for the congrats on all my frosties, I lose sight of the positives so easily. I do know how lucky I have been and I do not take it for granted. I really truly hope it works for me and for all you and every other couple or single woman out there trying to reach their dream. I guess its chin up and keep on trucking time! I dont know where I would be without Fertility Friends, its my life and sanity line at the moment, thanks again everyone. Love and peace, Tinx xx

    Offline tkp300

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    Re: Feeling so sad.
    « Reply #5 on: 8/11/06, 15:38 »
    Hi Tinx.....Sorry sorry to hear you're feeling down at the moment. I,  like so many others are in the same boat as you. I had my transfer done on Mon and am due to test next Wed (3RD IVF ATTEMPT!) and unfortunately, today happens to be my down day...... The joys of the 2 ww i'm afraid. Fingers crossed and keep smiling. This web site is a god send.
    Best Regards
    TKP300
    xx :)