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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Just felt like I needed to post in an attempt to release some of the anguish. I have been posting on Oct/Nov cycle buddies but last thing they need is me moping around so I'm here in stead.

I started to bleed yesterday (10 dpt) and am not due to test until Thursday (18/11). I know it has not worked because the bleeding is now quite heavy. I've been suffering from night sweats and my temperature was up the first weekend after et.

I feel so raw.... hollow and worthless. I know its irrational but I feel like I have let everyone down,, especially the embies. I knew the odds were against me but you dare to hope don't you. I was supposed to go back to work this morning but have done nothing but bawl since the bleeding started (I wish I was stronger). I've had a rough few weeks although the cycle itself was great, with no real side effects from the drugs.

The only good thing that has emerged from this IF nightmare is the realisation that I am so lucky to have children already (my infertility is secondary) and to acknowledge how much I do love them.

I desperately want to try again but know that this will not be before the Summer due to work commitments but at the moment all I want to do is crawl into a cupboard and curl into a ball.

Sorry to be so negative.

Lesley
 

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Hi Lesley

I am so sorry that your bleed turned into full blown AF.  (((hugs)))

Clare
 

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hi Lesley

I'm so sorry your treatments failed, most of us have been there and know what you're going through, have a real good cry and let it out Hun  :'(

take care  ^hugme^
Lisa x
 

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Lesley

I am sorry to read your post but if I was you I would still test cos even though you have had a very heavy bleed it doesn't neccesarily mean that it will be -ive, though I don't want to get your hopes up.

If it is negative I know how you feel cos the same thing happened to me last month I bled on 10DPO, I cried for days, in a way I felt cheated.
We had three grade 1 embryos put back and I couldn't accept that at least one of them hadn't made it.  I was like a woman possessed for a week or so trying to get answers, when sometimes there just aren't any.  Though a lot people on here who were kind enough to respond to my questions have given me some very helpful info for my followup appointment.

What I do know is that although I felt I didn't want to put ourselves through the chance of another failed treatment, a month later I can't wait to start again and infact am quite excited about it.  You may not believe that at the moment though.

For now just do whatever you have to do to get through it.

Take Care

Croc
 

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hi lesley,
ive just read your message and just want to say how much i admire you.....you are strong you know, more than you think and you've not let anyone down. It takes so much to go through all this, we only do it out of pure instinct and love....you cant stop that.  Even though I havent had any negative news so far on my tx (early days yet), I can understand how you must feel and I just want to say be gentle with yourself and take your own time to heal. Like Croc said, you might try again....no one can take that away from you or your two lovely sons.
I hope things brighten up soon, lots of love
clare xx
 

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Lesley,
You have not let anyone down! This whole damn process is completely outside our control.

I know that this is difficult to believe when the completely natural reaction to a failed cycle (my latest was almost exactly the same as yours) is to weep buckets; but everyone who goes through this stuff while carrying on their family lives, their careers, their friendships, is actually really really strong. 

Hug your boys and give yourself time to heal: you can't even begin until the drugs are out of your system; but a gin & tonic's not a bad place to start!
Pointy

 

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Hi Lesley

awww hun, this txt business stinks sometimes.  We pin so much hope on it. 
Like you I had top embies when I did IVF - and I just can't seem to get to implantation.
I have a dd (see pic) and still going through that desparate, painful need to have another baby - so I really know where you are coming from.
Just hope you and your dh can pick yourself up from this and find the will to try again hun x
Fee xxxxxx
 

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^daisy^

Lesley,
just wanted to send you some hugs and lots of love,
look after yourself,
mmmbop,xx
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank you so much. Having such wonderful friends on this site really helps to lessen the pain of infertility.

Lesley
 

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hello lesley
I am off the october/november site,I am so sorry things arn't so good.you havent let anybody down.you say what you have to say and do what you have to do.everybody is here on ff if you need to talk about anything.all my love to you if I was there I'd give you a big hug.sorry i cant help in any other way. ^hugme^
love jane1.xxxxxxx
 

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Hi Lesley

I am so sorry it hasn't worked for you this time  :'(.  Just wanted to give you a massive cyber hug  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^

Take some time hun and maybe go away with DH.  After a break, you will hopefully feel ready to carry on with your journey next summer.

In the meantime, we are always here for you hun.

Loads of love
Kelly (oct/nov girlie!!!)
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

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What now? - just be good to yourself. give yourself the time you need to be sad and down. It's a really tough call - i had a BFN in august and tried just to get on with life I mean what could I do about it? Three months on and i'm not so good.......so i'm not trying to put a downer on things just trying to let you know it's O.K to be negative. Be kind to yourself now - it is an emotional time and you need to have tinme to deal with it.

Lots of love to you and yours

HHH
 

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Oh Lesley,
I just wanted to say we all know what you're going thru, it's so hard isn't it. after my -ve in Oct, I felt like I'd let everyone down, not least my dh and dd, but it's out of our control. Don't be too hard on yourself, and rember as well as your disappointment and pain, your hormones are all over the place. Take some time out and look after yourself
Thinking of you
CaseyX
 
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