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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone,

I've been a long time member but don't think I've ever posted. About 4 years ago we started our journey to try to have a baby and it hasn't really been a smooth ride. I'm a carrier of Fragile X so we decided PGD was the way forwards. To cut a very long and emotional story short, two rounds later and we didn't even do a transfer. They thought it was probably due to my egg quality. We were due to start out third and final round and my husband was diagnosed with a nasty, cancerous brain tumour. Our priorities changed and our fertility journey came to an abrupt stop. We had no idea what the future would hold for us.

We're a year and a half on now and my husband is doing really well. He has had surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy and has scans every 3 months to check there are no signs of it coming back. So far so good but we were warned that this was a nasty tumour, they don't know how it will behave and if it'll come back. Initially this made me think that there was no way that we could bring a baby into our lives - it is tough enough for us living through this so how could we subject someone else to it too?

But none of my feelings about wanting a baby have gone away and it has really started making me struggle again. I'm back at that point where everyone around me seems to be pregnant and having babies and it really really hurts.

So where do we go from here? Technically we've still got another round of IVF to go, but I'm not sure we could deal with the stress again. The next option was a donor egg and we were also considering adoption. We won't get approved to adopt now due to my husband's health. Am I mad and selfish to even be thinking about this? I feel so conflicted and hopeless about everything.

This has been a long post so thanks for reading if you get this far.  Helpful just to get all of this down somewhere because I feel like I've got no-one to talk to about all this.

H xx
 

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So sorry for the awful time you've had.
Infertility , failed IVF then a brain tumour. That's a pretty terrible chain of events so well done for holding it together.
No your not selfish to still want to pursue your dreams of a family.

Have u spoken to your husband?  Maybe it's time to revisit treatment...
Yes none of us know what the future may hold and as u say your dealing with the possibility that his tumor might reoccur although hopefully not. But ultimately he now has the all clear regardless of what may happen in the future so that's the starting point u need to work from.

I too went down the donor egg route after numerous failed cycles due to poor egg quality . I dont think I could of reconciled with a childless future

Maybe it's time to talk to your DH ....

Best of.luck whatever  u decide xx


 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you K. He knows it is still something that is really important to me and that upsets me but I don't think he has thought any further than that. I don't help that either as I can't hold a conversation about it at the moment without crying! I'm worried that he'll think I should be grateful for him still being here, which I am so so grateful for, but that doesn't stop the longing for children. You're right, a proper discussion about it is what is needed.

Thank you for replying and for the reassurance that I'm not being completely selfish. I don't know how to cope with with idea of a future without a child xx
 

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I just wanted to send you love hsmibert24 💗

What a lot to go through!

Hope once we are allowed you can have lots of hugs and support from family and friends.

Your needs are important.

We ended up using donor eggs after four failed own eggs and I’m so happy to have my daughter and another on the way. I know DE isn’t for everyone and it doesn’t always work but it’s more and more common and could be an avenue.

Xxx
 

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P.S I don’t think you sound mad or selfish. Wanting to mother a child is such a strong instinct / need / desire in so many people.

Also meant to add - could you write down your feelings / write your partner a letter? Or practice saying what you want to say with a friend or in the shower?

e.g “I love you and I’m so glad your treatment has gone well. I now really want to continue our parenting journey and look at next steps and options. Can we go and see the consultant again or book a DE open evening” etc etc xxx
 

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I am sorry you are going through this. You are not selfish at all! You have the right to follow your dreams, and they drive you  to the future. They might also help your hubby recover faster as you both will be talking about the future. I wish your dreams will come true.
 
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