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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all,

I just need to get it out...

We had a phone call about a month ago from the NHS saying our free cycle had been brought forward and if we said yes then it would begin in 8 weeks! So that is now 4 weeks away.............If we had said no she advised us we would have be removed from the list and begin the 3 year wait again. We were expecting to start in November.

We said yes of course but now i feel really really really really terrible. We had a failed ICSI last July and after our BFN i kind of let things slip to say the least!

I smoke, often drink one too many glasses of wine....I've put on weight. I nearly weigh 13 stone now!!!!!! (I'm 5 ft 6" too!) I know its all completely wrong. I FEEL really unhealthy. I feel guilty. That i might have completely ruined our chances. I got quite depressed after our first BFN and whilst its not an excuse i think its part reason i let things go.

I just don't know where to start! It feels useless and how can i get my body ready in 4 weeks?! It feels selfish because i know there are other couples out there who haven't let it slip who could take my space on the list?!...Who are giving it their all. The lady when she called sounded really excited to be telling me our cycle had been brought forward. But i didn't get excited because all i could think of was how long i have to put right the mess i've made and if its far too late for that now.

My energy for this is severely lacking and i'm so angry with myself but i just can't seem to summon the motivation to go for a healthy swim or look into all the things i've got to eat or not eat etc...

My partner does try but i think he is sick of talking about it all. I've always had to do all the research before and make all the appointments and make all the phone calls and book the trains, hotels, doctors apps etc...

I hated the last cycle we had, every second of it and i'm dreading going through it again. I somehow woke up during egg collection last time and literally, properly screamed with the pain. Nobody from the NHS has called since. We will apparantly have e/c and tranfer at Bourne Hall which made me very happy at first. But i'm scared. Last ICSI i bled 8 days after transfer. The LWC didnt seem to care at all. I continued with the cyclogest bla bla bla. But read on FF that you should request Gestone during your next cycle if you experience this... Will the NHS listen?? Will they bother about it or just give me cyclogest and tell me they know best?

I've got to phone LWC and get my notes from the failed cycle,... I think they want £40 or so for them - cheeky sods. I don't even know what they are supposed to send?!?! Everything? Scans and all???

I'm really sorry to go on guys, it just feels good to type this out. So we are just waiting for a letter to come through the door to confirm a consultation i presume. Will it turn up even?

I just don't know where to begin and i don't think i've ever felt so alone with something in all my life!!!!!!

xx
 

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Hi Evette,

Just wanted to wish you good luck with your coming cycle and don't worry too much about being "prepared!" Think of the women who fall pregnant whilst drinking, smoking, taking drugs and all sorts  ^bigbad^  Try from now if you can to cut down on your smoking and drinking and just try and be yourself hun  ^reiki^  I did give up smoking and drinking a while before taking clomid (10 months given smoking now!) but not because of tx but because I wanted to feel a bit healthier  :-\  Regarding my diet and everything else I didn't really change anything at all  ???  And as you can see I'm now 27 weeks pg!!  :eek:  Anyway, all this to say everything's crosssed for you  ^pray^

Love,

Sam  :-*
 

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Hi Evette

I wouldn't worry too much about what you have been doing up until now but try and concentrate on eating really well and doing all the things you would in the next 4 weeks.

Have you still been taking your vitamins / folic acid etc ???

Wishing you lots of luck

x x x x
 

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Hi Evette,

I just wanted to say that I totally understand how you feel - we had our 1st failed ICSI last month & as soon as I got the BFN I hit the **** & wine & coffee & bad diet with a vengeance!  I felt really guilty because my DH had given up smoking for 4 months prior to our TX & I just smoked in front of him anyway (needless to say he went straight back to them himself).

It is so so hard to care about looking after yourself when you feel as if your body has failed you in such an important way, and then you continue punishing yourself by feeling guilty for being unhealthy!

I am sure that good diet etc. are important for conception (but as Sam says obviously not necessary considering how many people get pregnant whilst smoking, drinking and using drugs!), but probably this also has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself - i.e. if you have quit smoking and are eating well and exercising you are more likely to feel positive about yourself and your TX and be able to deal with the IVF ordeal.

I am starting TX again next month - I only smoked for a few days so I understand it was probably easier for me to stop, but just do what you can do to help yourself to feel healthier & less guilty.  You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty or undeserving of your TX, it is your turn and hopefully this will end with a BFP and a lovely baby!

My advice to you is just do things a bit at a time and don't beat yourself up.  Each little thing you do will lead to another positive step and by the time you start your TX you will hopefully feel healthier and more optimistic.

Myself and DH have been cycling about over the last few days since the sun has been out.  We are definitely not super fit, and it is really leisurely but it has been the first thing that has lifted my mood & helped me to feel motivated to look after myself again - my diet has improved & DH has stopped smoking again!

This is such a hard process to go through and you shouldn't blame yourself for anything you have to do to get through it.  Be nice to yourself and believe that you deserve to feel good about yourself and that you are entitled to have opportunities to get pregnant whether you've had a few glasses of wine or not!

Hopefully I won't be far behind you in timing (probably will be about 6 weeks till I start TX) - are you on LP?

Sending you some  ^hugme^  ^hugme^ and loads of  ^reiki^  ^reiki^

 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
:'( Thankyou so much for reassurring me!  :) I really really do appreciate it.


I guess 4 weeks is better than nothing! Me and dp have agreed to quite smoking together, we will quit tommorrow completely. No patches, no gum, nothing. I can't wait actually.

I started a proper diet today. I had bran flakes for breakfast and basically a bowl of leaves for lunch  ;D with an orange. Only 10 calories in my bowl of leaves! Does that mean i can eat 50 bowls of leaves and lose weight!  ;D

Thank you for your post though really. No more wine for me (thats the easy part) Losing weight is harder i think. We can take our dog for nice long walks now the sun is back... I'd love to go swimming but i'm far too conscious now... I might phone and see if they do a weight loss class or something, so i'm there with other round people! hehe

I started pregnacare last night and dp has been on the wellman for a few weeks so hopefully thats okay and better late than never.

Going to get some organic decaffinated tea (wondering if that means its stripped of the caffeine naturally?!)


I'm sorry i don't know what the protocol is... I'm uncertain about everything actually. I'm now about to phone and see if they have a clearer idea about a consultation date.

When we went through the 1st ICSI though, i really found it such a huge huge help posting on the cycle buddies thread so i'll do that again. I wrote a diary aswell which helped. It's the weirdest and hardest thing to go through. I can't believe it, i thought i would breeze through it all as i'm generally a really string person but it really takes it out of you doesn't it!

Thank god for FF thats all i can say!

^fairydust^ to all xxx
 

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Just wanted to pop in and assure you that you can achieve a huge amount in 4 weeks.  Swimming's the best all-round exercise but walking's also great and it's something the 2 of you can do together.

Concentrate on what you CAN fix and don't sweat what's gone by.  I got pregnant (lost it later but anyway...) on our second ICSI cycle and I was heavier and less fit for all the same reasons you give: got a BFN after 1st cycle just before Christmas and let rip with the self-pitying pork-out/drinking, as well as feeling too low to exercise much.

Drink lots and lots of water to flush out the waste, take supplements, get fresh air and exercise and try not to worry!  Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks Celeste  :)

We will! I'll give it everything i've got from now on! I forgot about all the water i had to drink last time. Time to stock up again on all things detoxing then!!!

^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^
 

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Hi Evette

I am going to PM you hun

x x x
 

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Hi Evette,
I remember you from when we cycled together in July.  I'm so sorry that the BFN was so hard on you.  As others have said, don't beat yourself up.  I've tried to be super healthy and dh actually gets mad at me for how much I give up as he feels I should enjoy life more.  And so far it hasn't made a difference.  You do have 4 weeks (plus the time it takes to d/r and cycle) and any change can help.  Each bit helps...and who knows if it really makes a difference.  I think if it's meant to happen, it'll happen.  You've already taken the right steps by taking vitimains and other things.  The cycle board is fantastic isnt it?  Shows you're not alone and ti's great support.  I really wish you lots of luck and hope to hear of a BFP real soon!
 

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hello evette,just to say its good to see you back lovey.dont know if you remember me.lots of luck for this cycle ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^


hayley
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Hi!

ready4family - i do remember you! nice to hear from you  :) I will try and take things easy you are right! Going to do the whole accupunture thing also, dp aswell. We're going on holiday on June 2nd so will do lots of relaxing - and swimming!!! to lose a few pounds, or stone lol. Thank you for the wishes and  lots of ^fairydust^ to you !!! xxx

wishing4miracle - Congratulations!! well you are going to be busy soon!!  ;D  :) xxx Thanks for the wishes xxx  ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^


^fairydust^ ^fairydust^ ^fairydust^ ^fairydust^ ^fairydust^ ^fairydust^ ^fairydust^ ^fairydust^ ^fairydust^ ^fairydust^
 

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Evette, a holiday is the best thing to do before starting up.  You and dp will spend quality time together just the two of you, plus just relaxing.  Thanks for the wishes as well.  Sending lots of babydust your way too.
 
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