[musicmaker]

After our 5th ICSI we've been told our best chances are now using donor eggs.  We are still continuing with various blood tests and so on to rule out any more problems.  My DH is all for donor egg.  I still have a few reservations and disappointment to work through first.  I am still getting my head around that any child would not look like me or any of my family.  How did any of you feel at first when you knew that you would be using donor eggs?  How did you feel when your child arrived? 


The other part is whether to use a British clinic or abroad.  British clinic - longer waiting times, older donor  (possibly) but child would be able to find their genetic background at 18
Abroad - younger donor, shorter waiting list child would never be able to find genetic background.


I'm concerned that there isn't going to be as good a chance of it succeeding with an older British donor who may also have had fertility problems as as far as I can make out most donor eggs come from IVF egg share.  But the child never being able to find out the genetic background - would that be a problem?


Would love to hear from anyone who has been through this.

 

[Yxx]

Hi

I'm in a different position to yourself as I never got the chance to use my own eggs.  It took 3 years of trying naturally and then on to Clomid and the next step would have been IUI until I was diagnosed with POF.

It took me a while to get my head round donor egg.  We had a few couselling sessions that really helped me.  Ultimately I wanted a child and this route was the only way to achieve a family.

Waiting lists vary depending on whereabouts you are.  I know in London they are much shorter.  I went to CRM London where I think they are now quoting 6-8 months wait.  As to the age, I think you are right but there are some youngish donors out there that do egg share maybe because of male factor problems.  My donor was 29 and needed IVF due to her DH undergoing a vasectomy reversal and therefore needed ICSI.

I started off worrying about my child not looking like me and the comments I may get from people saying "doesn't s/he really look like you" etc..  but I soon realised that not all children look exactly like their parents.  Me and my sisters are different; hair colour, face shape, heights.  As it turns out DD did seem to look like me when she was born but is now starting to look like her dad and people are commenting to this effect too.

My clinic try their hardest to match you as closely as possible.  You dictate what characteristics are acceptable to you and you can always turn them down if they are not right for you.  On paper mine sounded exactely like me apart from a different shade of hair colour.

All the best in your journey.  Got to go as DD wants to nap and I'm in her room.

Yxx

 

[Tamsutbadger]

Hi reading your story mine is very similar, in August this year after 4 years of trying clomid etc i was told i had premature ovarian failure and i am 35.  i felt empty but relieved to finally have a diagnosis.  they wouldnt do IVF as it wasnt worth it so we took the decision to go to spain to do Egg donation.  we are hoping to go in Feb next year once we have saved the money.  We looked at the UK solution but felt we wanted it to be anon.  my sister alos offered her eggs once she has had a baby she is 23 and is trying at the minute.  using my sisters egg isnt an option for us.  We have met the embrologist from the clinic and asked all the questions that you have raised talked to there counsellor all very nice, so just on the long road ahead now.


Hope it works out for you all i will say is go with what feels right to you and your hubbie and go catch your dream
Tammy X

 

[olivia m]

Hi Musicmaker
It takes time to get your head round using donated eggs and giving yourself the space to grieve first for the child it is not possible to have before moving on to accept and welcome the one you can have, is a first essential step to making a decision you can feel comfortable with.

Here are some links that might help you make up your mind and about whether to stay in the UK or not.
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=251392.0

www.dcnetwork.org
from the Home Page click on Downloads/Planning a Family leaflets for Letter from Rachel to would-be egg donation parents. Also in L column of Home Page click on Preparation for DC Parenthood workshops and Guidance on Going Abroad. You may also find it helpful to read the stories of some donor conceived children and adults.

Best wishes
Olivia

/links

 

[roze]

I'm glad to hear that someone is tackling the issue of advertising for UK donors as having been on the Lister list for over 5 years and never being contacted, and instead being fed a load of rubbish about ' you'll be contacted next week',I would have been too old for the procedure. What happened there was a complete disgrace and after a battle I got my registration money back but they were totally unable to explain the complete mess around their paperwork, contact list and communications and why I never had an offer of a donor.  Just as well I didn't wait around for them but went abroad instead! It transpired that we would never had succeeded without ICSI, something which was never offered to us in the UK even with my own eggs.

There is a lot to think about in respect of going abroad for treatment but personally and I also for quite a few of my friends, it has been surprisingly easy and productive. In my experience of having tx in both Spain and the Ukraine, the 'private hospital' and client care experience has been of a higher quality than anything provided in the UK.  It should also be borne in mind that donor anonymity has only recently been lifted hence its value has not yet been demonstrated and probably wont be for many years. Personally I fail to see the merit in making a problem of something which for many people simply won't be a problem at all. What matters is how much the children are loved and how secure they feel. I know of some people who have told their children about the donor process when fairly young and the children  have gone on to feel that someone else would turn up at the door to snatch them away.  There are arguments and cases to make on both sides but I feel I can honestly say that there are few abroadies who have not given great consideration to every possible issue and consequence, a position  far from what has often been portrayed elsewhere in various media.

There are many of us on the Abroadies threads who can advise on the issues around going abroad for donor egg treatment from a user perspective so anyone would be welcome to come on to those to ask for advice, or even just to read the various posts to find out where people have been, and what their experiences have been like.  The other thing to consider is whether , if a child is conceived and born, how easy it might be to get on the waiting list again for a fresh cycle with the same donor. As I understand it, this is not permitted in the UK under HFEA guidelines whereas it can be abroad. One would think trying for a second child would not be an issue however most people do want this very badly indeed as experiences have indicated.

Those of us who have been fortunate to succeed- eventually- via the donor route have a lot to offer those who are thinking about such treatment. I personally feel there should be more cross referencing and contact between us all on that basis and would like to invite this to happen!


Happy New Year


roze 

 

[musicmaker]

Thank you for replying - you've given me a lot to think about

 

[suitcase of dreams]

Hi Musicmaker,

Sorry to hear things have not worked out for you thus far

For me the path to DE was a gradual one, I had many failed attempts with my own eggs and donor sperm (I'm single) before it became apparent that my eggs weren't up to the job, and all along I suppose I kind of had DE in the back of my mind as plan B. That said, it was still a difficult decision to take when it came down to it and I think we all have our fears and worries about it. But I knew that ultimately I wanted a family and if DE was the way to achieve that, then so be it

My sister has 3 children who co-incidentally all look much more like our side of the family than her husbands, and I felt very sad for some time that my children would not look like me/their cousins etc. But then of course there's no guarantee they would have done if I'd used my own eggs either...and I think I've come to terms with it now, although I'm very curious to see what they do look like when they arrive as I've nothing to go on other than I chose the colouring of the donors....

My children (am expecting twins) aren't here yet so can't really comment on how I feel about them as 'real' people but in terms of how I feel during the pregnancy, I don't see them as anything other than mine. And nor do any of my family or friends (despite all of them knowing it's DE). I am the one carrying them, my body has made them grow and supports them, and at the end of the day they will be as much a part of our family as everyone else. As far as I'm concerned, it's the love and shared experiences which count at the end of the day, not the genetics...

Here is a thread from a while back which discusses the different feelings people experience about DE, you may want to have a read through:
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=247712.0

As for abroad vs UK, I've tried both. I had 2 cycles in the UK, one cancelled because donor did not respond well enough to egg share, and one which was BFN - donor produced 20 eggs in total but quality was poor and I was disappointed to have only 2 'average' quality embryos on day 3. Maybe I was unlucky and should have tried a different UK clinic but to be honest I had lost faith by then and felt that going abroad offered a better chance of success (and having been ttc for 3yrs I was running out of emotional energy)
And if I'm honest, finances played a role too. Cost of DE in the UK averages £7-8,000 for which I could have 2 attempts in the Czech Republic....and I just didn't know how many attempts it would take and funds are not limitless

It was a tough decision as I initially wanted the child to have an ID release donor. But in the end I feel I made the best decision I could at the time and given the circumstances and now I (and my twins) will have to work out how we deal with it in time and as they grow up. I can see both pros and cons to children being able to potentially contact their donors/find out about their genetic background but it seems the most important thing is to be open and honest from an early age. This is what I intend to do and I can only hope that it will be enough. As I understand it, there's not enough research done with DE children on the issue of anonymous vs ID release donors for any real conclusions to be drawn yet....and all children are different anyway....some will be interested in where they come from, others not at all....

Best of luck with it all,
Suitcase
x

PS if you have not had the opportunity yet, I do recommend talking it all through with an experienced fertility counsellor - made a world of difference to me...

 

[olivia m]

Just to respond to something in Roze's post, copied below -

"I know of some people who have told their children about the donor process when fairly young and the children  have gone on to feel that someone else would turn up at the door to snatch them away. "

I'd be interested to know more about this as in 18 years of DC Network we have never come across a child who feels this way.  I'm not saying it couldn't happen, but simply that we have never heard of it before...and I really wouldn't mind saying if we had.  Perhaps the parents in their zeal for openness used words that led a child to think that they had another parent out there somewhere or could it have been the opposite...parents who felt they should tell, but actually did so in a way that left a child feeling uncomfortable.
Sharing origins information with children is almost always something parents are anxious about, but if it is done in a way that is in line with the child's emotional age and learning capacity then there is no reason why they should feel anything other than that this is simply part of their story.  Our experience is that occasionally children over the age of about eight, which is when understanding of donor conception becomes clearer, may feel sadness that they are not connected 'by blood' to a much loved mum or dad, but if these feelings are met with acceptance and support by parents then lasting damage is highly unlikely.  What there is evidence of is that damage can be done to trust in the family and the self-worth of the donor conceived person, if they find out about their origins by accident or late disclosure in their teens or twenties.

DC Network offers support, guidance and helpful literature about Telling (including children's story books) to all parents of donor conceived children, in order to avoid the sad situation described by Roze.
Olivia