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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Yesterday I got another BFN after my 3rd IVF.  I've also had 2 BFNs from IUIs and 2 from Clomid cycles. And I've had BFNs for every natural cycle of the last 5 years except the three wonderful months when I got BFPs.  Sadly, each of our babies didn't make it.  We lost the first two to early MCs and the second to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy.  I'm feeling so very angry at what's happened to my DH and I.

I'm angry at the fertility doctor who told me three years ago that I just needed to think more positively, even though he knew my FSH was 11.7.  I'm angry that he said the same thing to me two years ago when I went back after my second miscarriage and ectopic.  I'm angry with myself that I believed him both times and wasted precious years when treatment would have had a greater chance of working.

I'm angry that the same clinic then prescribed IUI, even though I'd had an ectopic because they told me IVF had no chance of working in view of my FSH.  I'm angry with myself for believing them and not finding a clinic then that would have done IVF.

I'm angry that my latest clinic didn't give me a 3 day scan that would have shown I was starting an IVF cycle with a cyst and I'm angry that they sent me for EC thinking the cyst was a big follicle, before my other 4 follicles had time to get big enough. 

I'm angry at the acupuncurist that I paid £2,000 for drugs and herbs who didn't even acknowledge the cheque I sent her to pay for the session I cancelled when I was too upset to leave the house when our second IVF ended in a failed fertilisation, let alone send a sympathic message. So much for caring alternative therapies! 

I'm angry at the close friend who told me she wanted a break from our friendship when she got pregnant saying she didn't want to be made to feel guilty.  I'm angry that she has never been in touch since and didn't even acknowledge the congratualations card I sent her.  I'm angry at another close friend who went through a whole pregnancy and birth without contacting me, despite my gentle e-mails asking for news.  I'm angry that when I asked her directly if she was pregnant, she said she had been "too busy" to get in touch and it was nothing to do with feeling awkward. I'm angry because I feel like I constantly have to prove to my other friends with children that they don't have to run away from us because of our childlessness.

I'm angry that I will never get to go to the park with my bestest friend and share tales of the joys and challenges of parenting and talk about how we can get our two year olds to eat their vegetables.

I'm angry that sister got pregnant 4 times without trying and even complains that she got pregnant too quickly so her kids were born in the wrong months so have to be the youngest in their classes, instead of the oldest which is supposedly better for educational achievement. 

I'm angry that infertiltiy is so unfair and even in infertility their is no justice.  Some people get pregnant with twins on their first go!

I'm angry that my precious pregnancies ended so sadly. Our first baby would have been just four, our second two and a bit and our third 18 months old. I'm angry that, despite all the congratulations cards I've sent to friends having babies, we didn't get a single card from anyone to mark our losses.

I'm angry that the closest I wll probably ever come to giving birth was an emergency operation to remove a pregnancy that was about to kill me.

I'm angry because I'm scared that if I stop being angry I'll be so sad I'll never be able to stop crying.  Sorry for ranting.  Please don't judge me.  I'm not ususally an angry person.

Thinking of everyone else who has also suffered loss and sending  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ to you.
xxxxx


 

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Firstly, so sorry for your BFN yesterday.  I got mine yesterday too.  ^hugme^

Secondly, far from judging you I think it's refreshing to hear someone admit that all this IF crap does make you feel angry at everyone and everything sometimes  -no matter if it's reasonable or rational to feel that way.  I have days (today especially) when I am furious with the whole world and feel bitter towards any woman who has been lucky enough to get their dream and I KNOW that it's irrational and unfair and probably selfish, but it's just the way I feel.

I hope you get your dream hun. 

Take care of yourself.

Nix.
 

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Hello and don't apologise for your "rant" - you are entitled to it and all your feelings are both understandable and familiar.

I am sure that we have all felt like you at some point and there is nothing that anyone can say to you to take away the hurt and anger you feel - but hopefully knowing that there are people on this site who empathise with you and understand some of what you are feeling because they too have been through your experience, may help a little.

I hope you see some "light" at the end of the tunnel soon - sending you lots of  ^reiki^

Nx
 

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You have every right to be angry at the moment (you sound angry at the whole world).  Maybe you ned to seek professional help for your anger, so that you can channel it in a positive way- or it will destroy you (and any relationships you have).  I have not been personally in your position but a friend has, and her anger drove everone away from her (eventually even her DH).
I would hate for this to happen to you, especially after all you and your DH have been through.
I hope some positive vibes come your way soon- but be kind to yourself at the moment, and allow yourself time to grieve for your loss, then tackle to clinic and maybe change it.
Thinking of you
 

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Hi Francie

I can understand your anger (although we're not there yet).  Let the anger out and then hopefully it will feel less consuming.

Sending a big  ^hugme^ your way.  Your friends think they are protecting you but you (quite understandably) think they are treating you as a special case.  It's just so hard.

Take care of yourself and your DH.

Lully x
 

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oh Francie
I do sympathise and sort of understand..you have been through so much and you're right, some people seem to sail through life with nothing but good (and then still manage to complain about their lot)

I understand about your so called "friends"
Since we lost our wonderful son aged 16 most of our friends have abandoned us, saying that we are difficult..we understand that its hard for them but we have to live with this purgatory 24hrs/day..they are maybe feeling awkward for an hour or so, once in a blue moon when they can manage to fit us in...

We have ploughed all our savings (and extra mortgage) into our dream and so must you carry on...after all, with no children, theres nothing or no-one else to leave it all to, is there?

Sorry to you and Nix for your BFNs..another stab through the heart for you all


What I wanted to say is that it is no wonder you are mad at the world and you are not wrong...lets just hope we all get something to make us happy very soon
Nikki
 

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Francie sending you big hugs hun ^hugme^ ^hugme^ you have every right to be angry but also a good cry can do you good too  ;)

Nix sending you big hugs too hun  ^hugme^

nikkis i am gob smaked to read some of your so called friends have abandoned you after the tragic loss of your ds, friendship should be unconditional so they were not worth keeping as friends anyway hun  ^hugme^

i hope you all get BFP's very soon  ^reiki^

pam xx
 

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Pam, thank you
What a BEAUTIFUL little boy!
Nikki
 

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Hi Francie
Don't apologise, you deserve a good rant after all your heartache. I myself have had 2 BFN!! (ICSI) and its devasting :( even 1 month on iam still an emotional wreck!! its terrible the way your friends have been as if tx not stressful enough!!! I just want to send you loads a  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ and wish you good luck xxxx

Nikki- After reading about your heartbreaking loss of you DS I wish you loads of luck and sending you  ^hugme^ xxxx

hayleigh
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks to all of you to replying to my post and for your kind thoughts.

Nikki, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your son.  I can't even begin to imagine your pain.  I am so sorry your friends have let you down. It is sad that in our society many people are so uncomfortable with behreavement. They use the excuse of "there's nothing I can say" or "they need to be alone" to walk away when if fact just having someone sit with our pain without trying to change the subject and hold our hands makes a difference.  I would like to hold your hand through cyberspace.  I truely hope your dream comes true and you find happiness soon.     

Hayleigh, Nix I'm sorry for your BFNs and I hope that you get BFPs very soon. 

Lully, good luck with your treatment.

Pam, what a lovely son you have.

Andyjane, thanks for the counselling suggestion.  I have had counselling before (though not for fertility issues) and I know it can help.  But it's not something I feel the need of now. I think having to pay yet another professional might just make me even more angry! And it's still just a few days since my BFN so I think it's natural to feel like this.

I think this last cycle will be our final treatment because we feel we need to take back control of our lives and start remembering what it is like to enjoy life without the shadow of a failed cycle over us or the anxiety of the next treatment in front of us.  It will be very hard as we are so desperate to have children.  But if I look inside myself I know that the treatment is making me more desperate. It's becoming a vicious cycle that we need to break.

We're often told that anger is destructive and unhealthy, especially as women.  While this can be true, I think it is important to remember that anger is a natural part of the grieving process. And every failed treatment is a mini-behreavement. Unless we allow ourselves to feel and express the anger, it can build up and become damaging. This post has allowed me to express my anger and your listening has made me feel that it has been acknowledged.  Thank you.   
 

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Hayleigh and Francie
what lovely words

have you ever thought of donor eggs?  not any woman's first choice I know but a consideration?
xxx
 

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Hiya Nikki,

I have considered it but i just don't think its for me, even though i would donate i would love to able to help someone...but i could never do it due to raised FSH i don't even have enough eggs for me  :) i have nothing against it at all.

Hayleigh xxxxxxx
 

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sorry Hayleigh but I mean why dont you have donated eggs?  You can get egg donation quite easily across europe (unless you have a lovely friend here who can help)
Im having donated eggs in Spain, but there are places where you can go which are much cheaper
That way you will get the eggs from a lovely lady abroad who is nice and young and is very healthy...
 

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Hiya Nikki,
Sorry!! my reply was abit confusing....I meant i have considered using donated eggs but decided against it maybe in the future i might change my mind who knows!!!! I think its such a fantastic thing for someone todo like i said i would if had the chance help someone else in the same situation...hope that makes sense ;D How is ur tx going? hope ur a well keeping fingers crossed for u xxxx
 

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thanks Hayleigh
think of me Tues lunchtime
Nikki
 

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hi Nikki
I will  ^pray^ xxxxx
 

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Hi Francie

I have no words of wisdom - I just wanted you to know that I had read your post. 

The last two paragraphs of your second post are very eloquently written and I think you are right that anger is part of grieving.


Lola
 

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Hi Francie

What you have written is so so accurate and articulate.
As with everyone else who has replied I know exactly where you are coming from and know that feeling of anger, misery and despair so well. But theres something about being human which makes us optimistic and you have pursued what you want against all odds - like so many of us...yes its a battle, yes its so so unfair and yes, sadly because of it we seem to lose good friends among the way (maybe that character flaw would have shown later in the friendship with some of them anyway ????)- but if you are not ready to give up then keep going girl !
You may have had enough and thats completely justified having read all your pain - but on the other hand if you still have that niggle, get another opinion...
Our situation is a little different and I know we are getting nearer to the point where maybe we can't emotionally get through the process again - but we want children and don't want to spend our lives without them - so at the back of the drawer in the kitchen is the leaflet about adoption  and although we never thought it would ever come to that / this the idea is not so daunting now...one day when we are ready we'll get it out and read it....I hope these words don't upset you - eneryones different eh xx

So heres either a huge hug to sooth your pain...or if you are anything like me - heres a stack of 20 china plates and a wall to throw them at ! sod clearing them up...
 

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Hi Francie

I really understand your anger. Ive just had my failed 2nd attempt at IVF and after 6 years of trying, tests and fertilty drugs  ive been through so many emotions. Ive done the crying, feeling sad and now Im angry too and I need to go through these emotions without feeling guilty. The people who knew about the IVF try to understand, but really no-one can unless they have been through it themselves, hence why Im here!

I feel so drained, emotionally after all the highs and lows of the treatment and now more than anything could do with a holiday, but because we will have to start IVF again, we simply can't afford to. It makes it even harder when friends are jetting off to sunny places and I feel so miserable because we need a holiday to help get over it, plan our next steps and generally have some fun again, what is fun???

Im also cross with work, I work full time in a particularly demanding job, many of my collegues have got children and I feel that there are, and quite rightly so, many allowances for people with children. They have days off, early finishes and far shorter hours than myself and I feel that I am taken for granted because I haven't got children, that I will work on and need very little time off. At the moment I really need to be looking after myself and not working all the hours God sends, but again people don't understand how hard it is for us ladies who have been through IVF and coping with the disappointment, despair, sadness and all the other emotions when it doesn't work, let alone still having to work full time and do the job well putting on a brave face. Ive taken some holiday, but just reflecting on life and how the work/home life balance is all wrong. I really love my job and am completely happy there, but Im just going through a hard time at the moment and need some TLC.

Ive got a friend who needs to constantly be updating me on her child's milestones for hours on end, she knows what we are going through, but perhaps just doesn't think. It hurts so badly when as part of a group the conversation turns to which brand of nappies are best, breastfeeding etc.. I just sit there silent not being a part of their conversation and I wonder if I ever will be, will I be the only one without a child. I don't want them to have to think about what they say when Im around, and its not their fault, but the pain and longing for a child just stays there.

My parents are so desperate for grandchildren and my father said the other day that he wants one so badly as his father died weeks before I was born, God that tore me apart inside, but what can I do? :'(

I do feel better, having a rant  :) What I need now is to have some fun, enjoy life and remember who I really am, Im not this sad, miserable person. This whole journey TTC, is the hardest thing Ive ever gone through. I only hope it will make me a stronger person and I hope that one day I will be rewarded with a child, who will be loved sooooo much.

So all you girls struggling, just do it, be selfish and angry and be a real diva about it ;D

Red Shoes x
 

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Hiya redshoes xx I have just read your post and I completely empathise with you, I have had 2 BFN with ICSI  :'( and its completely and utterley devastating, when like you and so many others you find yourself be involved in a conversation that I just cannot join in on, just 6 weeks ago I was at a baby shower and most of the people there already had children, and even though only  two or three people knew about my sistuation I felt as though everyone knew, and felt just so awkward. Again I simpathise with you when It comes to the finance, we are saving every penny we have for our 3rd attempt. I have a raised FSH so time isn't on my side at all.I just hope our BFP'S are around the next corner. xxxxxx take care and good luck with your next tx xxxxx
Hayleigh xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
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