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We just had another bfn - our fifth in total (3 IUI cycles, and 2 ICSI cycles).  I wasn't feeling too bad, but am now struggling and feeling down.  We took a long break between our last IUI and our first ICSI cycle, and then another long break between the first ICSI and the second.  Now I feel like I want another go straight away as time is passing and more and more people I know are getting pg and I'm finding it harder and harder to cope with.  Our hospital said we could just take one month off which would mean starting in a couple of weeks time.  But the thing is we are thinking of changing clinics - we have an apointment at another hospital but its not for a few weeks, and then its likely they will want to re-do some tests, so it will all end up dragging out again.  I dont know what to do - I want to go again asap, but maybe I should wait and change clinics.  HELP!!!!

Another thing - and I really hope I dont upset anyone by writing this but I need to get it off my chest....  I am really inspired by all the amazing stories on this site, and all the bfp's give me hope, but the last few days I have been finding it hard to deal with as there have been a string of bfp's on some of the threads I follow.  I really truly am happy for all my FF friends who get bfps, but its just really making me wonder WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?!  I guess thats a normal thing to feel, but I feel guitly about feeling it towards my FF friends as they have given me so much help and support.  I just want to be able to announce my own bfp.  Is that too much to ask?

Any advice or suggestions?
Love Olwen

 

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Olwen

It is really hard and no one really understands the frustration unless they are going through the same thing that is why this site is so good.

I have noticed that you often post supportive and kind messages to fellow FF's including me (BFN 2/2/05) which makes me think you are a good person and deserve and will be a great Mum.

I also think that you, me and others that are going through this hell who post on this site will make the best parents in the world because we have been through so much to make it happen.

This is what you need to keep thinking about when you are feeling down - it will happen, it will all be worth it in the end...it's just going to take a little time....

Regarding changing clinics, if this is something you want to do and you feel that it will make you happier then do it, a few weeks wait won't make much difference if you are happier.  You would have had all of the basic tests done anyway so even if there are some tests it should be fairly speedy.

Good luck, remember you are not alone.  :)

Kiwichick
 

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Hi Olwen,

I'm just at the beginning of my journey and it brings tears to my eyes reading stories such as this.

Its O.K to feel frustrated and hurt when your facing such a difficult time, we all understand the frustration, and naturally the fear that a BFP may never happen.  :-\

Don't give up hope.

Change clinics if your instincts and intuition tell you that a change will be good.  A fresh start in a new environment will give a new perspective, and hopefull a usefull insight into different approaches from a new fertility team.

What ever you decided to do, hang in there and keep posting when you need a boost over the rough spots.

Lots of love, best wishes and prayers being sent your way,


^Cuddle^

miracles do happen,

Gen xOxO


 

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Hi Olwen,

Your feelings are perfectly natural , this ICSI /IVF treatment is wonderful when it works ...... it stinks when it doesnt.  I just got a BFN ( Friday)  thought I was coping quite well until today I'm feeling particularily evil to my nearest and dearest and just want to crawl under a rock somewhere and wait for everything to settle down.
I  Just wanted to offer you some support.  Regarding changing clinics, I can understand the wanting to jump back on the merry-go-round straight away its frustrating enough have just go through the weeks that are part of the ICSI regime.  However, I agree with Kiwichick and Gen a bit of delay if you change clinics is frustrating but if your instincts are tellling you to go with someone else .... better to do that than be dissastisfied through your next course of treatment. 
Wishing you lots of  ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ for your next treatment.

Luv Heather x
 

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Hello

I hope you dont mind me posting to you, but you gave me such inspiration on the other thread.

I am in much the same position as you.  Today I feel angry and frustrated.  I feel cheated and green eyed. (god I sound a terrible person) I wasnt before I started this IF roller coaster. - honest!  Tommorrow, I will probably feel different again, as thats the way it is on this horrible IF ride.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and to keep hanging in there, it will happen to us, not sure when, but if it wasnt for the BFP's we would have no hope or proof that IVF/ICSI does work.

Have you had your follow up consultation yet.  I found mine really useful and my consultant had lots of ideas and things to try for next time round - although I now feel confused as I too was thinking of changing clinics and am not sure what to do.  The difference is that my consultant wants me to have a D&C and hysteroscopy b4 going for tx 3, which means more waiting but maybe a better result next time, so who knows.

What ever you decide to do, go with what makes you more comfortable, dont feel bad about feeling negative and green eyed, its only natural.  IVF/ICSI takes a lot out of you so give yourself time to grieve for your embies.

Take care - your a very giving person and it will happen for you.

x
 

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Olwen

aww hun so very sorry to read your news. I've been posting on here for nearly 2 years, and LONG to have that BFP by my name in a list. It wasn't to be.
Hope is what keeps us alive - and I think that this change of clinic may help you.
I am so hoping that you and your dh get your dream
Fee xxxx
 

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Olwen,
Hang on in there!  Feel as angry as you like - I feel exactly the same; I feel a real "buzz" for all the girls that get a BFP but gutted for myself.

Last month 3 of us tested on the same day & 1 got a BFP - I was so pleased for her but really distraught for myself, it took at least a week to stop feeling suicidal!  I think the drugs seem to make it worse too.
Just try and hold onto the good things in your life.

My best friend got pregnant on her 4th icsi(DD) and then went on to have 2 more treatments to get her little boy.  Worth every penny - they're skint but very happy! 

You have at least got time on your side - I wish I'd started trying earlier but wasn't with the right man & didn't think I even wanted kids!  Now I'm desperate!

Good luck - everyone on this site knows what you're going through (people on the outside world probably think we're all mad!)

Fingers crossed for next time - I'm just off to the hospital for my scan, got IUI tomorrow @ 12!

Jess x
 

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Dear Olwen,

So sorry to hear about your BFN, there are no words to say only know that there are others out there who have been and are in the same situation as you (small consolation I know, but I have found it really helps to have other FF girls to chat to and vent your frustrations with).

I think a change of clinic may do you good, but first give yourself time to get over the BFN both emotionally and physically. The few extra weeks may do you some good. Its hard because all you want to do is get started as soon as possible but if have this opportunity to change clinics this extra small wait may be good for you (you will know when it is the right time)I just want to give you a big hug! Hang in there.  ^Cuddle^

Sasha B
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
THANK-YOU all for your support and words of encouragement.  This is so hard, but knowing I can rely on you all to get me through it really makes a difference.

Love Olwen xxx
 

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Hi Olwen
I am so sorry, I know how you feel about wanting to get straight back on the horse! and you will know when it is right for you, trust your own instincts, sadly most of us know what it is like and it is only natural for you to be feeling a bit envious, but you will soon start feeling positive again and in the meantime, curse and rant at us all you like  ;)
Take Care
Dydie
 

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Dear Olwen

I truly hope your turn comes soon!!!
I'm feeling gutted as well today ^mercy^, so I'm sending you a [hug] ^Cuddle^
 

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Olwen....
I am just catching up after being off-line for awhile .....I think, like you, the grief of ANOTHER BFN was at its height of "taking my body and sould down"- I was even struggling with the concept of "connecting" with FF....because of all the inspiring stories of success (as much as these SAME stories "fill me up" with hope).  Grief is exhausting and it takes a lot of energy to push through.....and I seemed unable to cope with ANY element of news that I so desperately wanted for myself!

On Feb. 9th, I discovered a BFN on our 5th attempt at treatment (we have done 4 IUI and one IVF).  I am starting to feel a bit of teh "black cloud" is shifting or lifting.  I guess everyone does this grief thing in there own way....and sometimes I just have to go away and distract myself from EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that reminds me of infertility (OR fertility!).  It's not exactly a very realistic (or maybe even very appropriate) goal for coping ....but it has its small elements of granting peace of mind ....if only for a minute. haha!

Anyway- thanks for sharing your innermost feelings.  I heard myself in you!  I.too, am "young" according to the clinic (I just turned 34)....but when you are "at" this battle for 3 years plus......it seems that one starts to feel very "old" and especially helpless, right?
I still can't bear to discard the ultrasound picture of the 2 embryos that were implanted in me.

Anyway, take care......I am thinking of you.
Gwendolyn
 

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Don't feel guilty - I went into the chat room and someone asked a question like anyone got any kids and few people came back with yes, at that point I had to leave.....felt upset and guilty and rude and depressed and ashamed and angry and.....well could go on.  Once I went offline and calmed myself I came back online as I know every women on here goes through the same rollercoaster feelings and we all would understand most feelings we all have so don't feel guilty.
 

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Hi Nikki - guess we've all been there! I keep logging onto IUI BFP by mistake & feel really cross with myself for being SO jealous!

Anyway - how dare anyone have any kids when we're trying so bloody hard!!!

My mum doesn't help - she keeps saying "Oh think how much money you'll have if you don't have kids - think of all the lovely holidays!!! Kids are such a nuisance!" 

Hope you've calmed down & feel a bit better - it is ok to get angry - but not to kill anyone, think that's illegal!! (Unfortunately or mummydearest might have breathed her last!!! - oh I'd better take that back, am SO superstitious at the moment, just know something awful will happen to her now I've said that!)

Good luck!
Jess x
 

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Hi everyone

I have just had my first BFN and I agree that's it's a horrible feeling.

Why does there seem so many adverts on TV at the moment about babies, baby food, nappies etc and why is there pregnant women everywhere I seem to go !

Never mind - I'm not giving up and fingers crossed for everyone  ^reiki^

Love Julie x

 

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Hi Julie
Just wanted to say I was sorry for your BFN, I am glad that you are remaining so positive, and not letting this beat you
we are all here for you
Good Luck Dydie
 
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