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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi I'm Becky - I feel a bit selfish in a way and a bit of a fraud, because you see I am 39 now and had children when I was in a previous relationship many years ago - we were childhood sweethearts and I'll admit that relationship was not a good one for me in the end, I was treated quite badly by my partner, he was very controlling, difficult to talk about but anyway I'm okay now, went through a difficult divorce several years ago, a few years as a single parent and then when I least expected it met the most wonderful man. We've been together 5 years now and married for 2 (he is 43 and I am 39) he is a fantastic step father and just adores our children and they in turn adore him - this is why I feel so awful coming on here in a way as I know I already have a lot to feel grateful for -  having children together with my husband was something we talked about from the very beginning - we see it a adding to our family - for 'him' it would just be so fantastic to experience having a child from the beginning and for me it would mean the world to bring up a child from the beginning with the 'right' man and experience that with my older children. Anyway it sounds weird but I had this strange feeling something was not right from the beginning - I felt like it was Gods way of saying 'ha ha you had your chance but got the wrong man' (daft I know). To cut a long story short we have had several go's at ICSI treatment and failed - I have never viewed our problem as 'his' problem but ours but with each failed attempt I feel more like it is mine - why won't the embryo's stay in me? I ask - I am at the beginning of the dreaded 2 week stretch now and it gets no better - should you feel pains? no pain? dishcarges? no discharges? you dread any bleeding don't you? then as soon as I get any cramps I plunge into pits of despair and think oh no - failed again !! this time not long after I had inserted my progesterone tab in vaginally I had a white discharge (normal I know) but with what I can only describe as a few small drops of brown 'granite' - well that did it for me as I often get this a few days before my period starts - so I expect the worse - yet as always a small part thinks, you never know but a much bigger part thinks now - I'm not that lucky - its failure again! I'm taking the Prog tabs rectally now as I find that better. I do suffer with endometriosos too (just a small patch - but painful) I didn't suffer with this when I had my children before and so don't know if this creates different symptoms - but to be honest I get to the point as another attempt fails to think 'why am I bothering'  but at the same time I want to try as we want it so much - as I type I swear I can feel the familiar dull period cramps starting -  I find calling the clinic I go to difficult, I feel a 'nuisance' so I don't call even though face to face the nurses are great - what makes it worse is that (and I am sure all of you will have similar experiences) there have been countless pregnancy's at work - everyone found out about my last treatment cycle as some 'helpful' person spread the word there - my sis in law has just had a baby girl, my best friend is due any day now and it feels like every celeb mag I pick up features an article on some celeb mum to be or another - I find someone 'announcing' a pregnancy the worst bit, I can sense it a mile off! and I just can never face going to the clinic for a test, I prefer to wait it out at home and normally I know anyway by my period coming. Gosh - I feel like I have been 'moaning' on long enough - so forgive me for that - hi to all of you and thank you for reading if you have - hope I didn't bore you too much! - Becky x   
 

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Hi Becky

Welcome to the site you will get a lot of support from it.  I have, and I have only been a member for a week!  I too had icsi and also had this "granite" type substance and cramps that you are talking about but mine was a positive result even though my story was'nt to end a good story (In Pregnancy loss) so don't lose heart and stay positive. ^hugme^

Eddxxx
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Oh - I am so so sorry - have you miscarried before? it must have been early that you did - I hope the next cycle is 'the one' for you!
where are you at now?
 

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I had a medical termination due to my baby having spina bifida and brain damage on 22 Mar 08 I gave birth to a little boy .  I am still waiting to see my consultant about getting onto the list again so fingers crossed it won't be too long.

Edd
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
again I can only empathise - you have been through a tremendous amount by the sounds of it - sends you into a completely 'other' world dosen't it? all of this - I hear people around me talking about having a baby as if its an 'automatic' thing, you know the 'yer I think I'll try for a boy next time' as if its as easy as shopping at Tesco's! and I just want to scream sometimes - x Becky
 

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I know people don't really understand until they have been though things themselves and it can be really frustrating!.  Take it easy and keep me posted. My story is on the 2nd page"Lost"  ^hugme^

Edd xx
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
will have a read I promise! got to go now as need to do some 'tesco' shopping - no rest for the wicked eh?! 
talk soon - Becky x and THANK YOU X
 

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Hi Becky,

Welcome to Fertility Friends, this site is fantastic for support, information and friendship wether its your 1st 2nd 3rd attempt at having a child  ^hugme^

Good luck on your journey

Nikki xx
 

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Hi Becky and welcome to FF.  Like you i have a child from previous relationship (he's 14) and have been married to DH for 3 years.  We started TTC b4 we got married and after all the tests found that DH has low sperm count. We are currently on our 1st cycle of ICSI but at day 15 of FSH i only have three follicles 17mm/15mm and a tiny one so not looking good but we are continuing with treatment anyway (got a scan tomorrow).  Both my sister-in-laws have recently given birth within 6 weeks of each other (2 beautiful girls) which i found really hard to deal with, but am coping better with it now ... good days and bad days really. 
I am keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well for you  ^reiki^ ^hugme^
Yvonne x
 

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Hello Becky, welcome to Fertility Friends. :)

Oh hun your post made me really feel your emotions. ^hugme^ Absolutely why should you not have a chance at having a baby with this wonderful new man. Plenty of our members are parents from previous relationships and now find themseleves in the difficult position of needing fertility treatment to conceive again so you are certainly not a fraud and very welcome here. It must be terribly frustrating. We have a secondary infertilty section which might offer you some support:

Secondary Infertility ~ CLICK HERE

The 2 week wait is dreadful and even worse when you've had negative cycles. I know, I had 6 attempts to get my little man, with a devastating miscarriage along the way and, frankly, in the end I had no hope left and was going through the motions on my last cycle for closure (read my profile of you want the full boring story! ;) ) It's so hard. ^hugme^
I will leave you some more links to some parts of FF that you might find useful. Please do dive right on in and start posting:

What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ CLICK HERE

2WW, Ladies in Waiting ~ CLICK HERE

And don't forget to have a bit of fun while you are on FF and check out the general chit chat / jokes / hobbies area:

Girl & Boy talk - Community & Fun Board ~ CLICK HERE

You can also chat live in our excellent chat room. We have a newbie night in the chat room every week (Wednesday at 8pm), where you can meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here. CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the Location boards. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area.

When do you test on this cycle? I do wish you oads of ^sticky vibes^ and hope you will continue to post in this thread and let us know how things turn out for you.

Wishing you lost of luck! ^reiki^

C~x
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
  :( Hi all - still getting the hang of all this - just wanted to update you all really- after promising that this stuff would never again 'take over' my life and I would get though this 2 wk stint not thinking about anything - I got to my first really bad point I guess today - started off ok, but then again the 'not thinking' strategy is fine isn't it when you have no symptoms and can just get on with things but late this afternoon I started to feel bloated, bit of the 'dull crampy' feelings started to take affect which have built - & feel like they are getting worse, also I feel generally yuck and low about myself! Then I took a moment to analyze and realised - yep its my period on the way: major bloating which I get every time, feeling low about myself (another sure gone sign) and a bit of water retention, all adds up. Its at this point (the half way point) that I just think, oh for gods sake period, if you're coming - come - just start and put me out of my misery - at least then I can drown my sorrows in several glasses of wine!
I dread going back to work, which is next Tues, just hope I am out of my misery and my period has shown by then - I don't so much hate my job but I am not at a 'happy' place with it eaither, in that I am looking for another job - I keep trying to focus on that on the premise that on the plus side when we have our next go, which I think will be our last, no-one will know and I can start afresh! At times like this I do want to give up but at the same time something spurs me on too - sorry girls - just had to have a bit of a rant!!!!
Am off with hubby for the weekend, somewhere quiet I think, its a 'late' birthday surprise so looking forward to it x Hope you all have a fab bank holiday weekends and I'll check in with you all on Monday!
Big hugs - Becky x
 

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Oh Becky ^hugme^
I have to tell you that the half way point in the 2ww is a real stinker. By this time you know that it's either worked or it hasn't and that there's nothing you can do about it except wait to test. All the positivity you were felling just vanishes. :( I have seen it over and over with just about anyone on the 2ww - always at the 1 week down- 1 to go mark. :-[
The symptoms you describe well, hold fire on assuming they are a bad sign. I have had 5 2wws and 2 of them resulted in a positive pregnancy test. I could not tell you one thing that stood out from the positives to the negative cycles. The symptoms were all the same and always...well, in fact I would go so far to say that I was convinced my BFPs were going to be negtives too becuase everything seemed to point towards my period being about to arrive. You have to remember you have been subjected to a terrific amount of drugs, some of which are still floating around your system and, if you are on progesterone support right now this can easily explain the symptoms you are experiencing. I have seen it countless times. It ain't over til it's over! ^reiki^
Pleaase do go join the other ladies on the 2ww boards who will be able to supoprt you through this and, you will see how normal you are considering the huge physical and emotional strain you are under right now.

I'm not giving up on your cycle yet so don't you dare!

Loads of ^sticky vibes^

C~x
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Caz - Thank you so so much for your detailed reply - came at just the right time! I will check out the 2ww section of the site, will prob have to be on Monday now (unless I have a lousy nights sleep tonight!).

Oh Yvonne , not sure you got my reply but I wanted to wish you all the very best with your 3 follicles, please please do not give up, I have produced small numbers of follicles before ( I am never somebody who has loads now - prob due a bit to my age as I'm 39) and I have always been lucky enough to get through to the final stage with those.

Caz - thanks again, your words have helped - I promise to keep you posted! xx
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Hi all

Well I'm back from a weekend away - was lovely, went to London, wandered around the embankment a lot - actually managed to switch off for a bit and just enjoy being in each others company (me and DH) had a couple of low moments when I got down i.e was giving in to failure but in general - good time had! Unfortunately on journey back just after having a meal I began to feel unwell and have had a 'funny tum' ever since. Have had bit of dirrohea (sorry if you're about to eat) off and on anyway but this has been more of a tummy upset so either its the suppositries again or I have eaten soemthing I've reacted to, its a bug or its my period coming or a mixture of all of them - who knows.
The hard bit will be going back to work tomorrow, especially if I'm not feeling brill, but feel like I ought to go.
Keep thnking I've just got to make it to Friday as even if my period starts it wont kick in properly I wouldnt have thought until then, unless I'm really unlucky!
Hope you're all havig a lovely bank holday Monday - we were promised sun where I am (Worcester) but it hasn't arrived, no doubt that will be tomorrow when we are all back at work too ha ha!
Yvoone - good luck with the scan, I think you said you had one coming up?!

Bye for now - Becky x 
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
:( feel very very bleek - tummy feelin different now - now not so much of tummy upset but def period starting, I'm convinced of it - think saw tiny start of a discharge which means period not far behind - am dreading dreading work tomorrow - knowing I am losing my emb'ies whilst trying to do a job I hate just does my head in, not sure if I can go through this again, yet at the same time knowing I will give it one last shot - but think that may be it! At the start of all this I really thought I could carry a child again, apart from a little endo on my part which my Doc said wasn't a problem I was fine, it was a low perm count that was causing us problems but as time has gone on its becoming more and more me - I just can't keep one of the tiny beautiful emb'ies in and it breaks my heart - its like I've developed a super charged 'lazer' beam that zaps them as soon as they come near.

Got to go off for a cry - gosh really feel like I can write anything here - don't want to go to work tomorrow but know I will as if I don't getting time off for my next try will be even more difficult.

Bye for now girls and sorry for sounding so woeful but just feel like sinking into the 'period pains' that are  coming, like it feels stronger by the minute x
LOL Becky x 
 

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Hiya worrywort

sending you lots and lots  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^

hayleigh xxxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S i no how you r feeling
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
:-\ :-\ :-\ thanks Hayley - just knowing there are other's out there going through the same turmoil helps - what makes it worse is I have one of my best friends being induced Friday with her first baby and my sis in law has recently had a beautiful baby girl, another girl at work due in just a few weeks - I'm so chuffed for all of them but it still hurts dosen't it?!
Got to go now as others need the computer - work tomorrow - God how do we get through this? the treatment from hell - but we do! and no doubt we'll do it again - other people just dont realise do they?!

Big hugs to you too! and thanks again

Becky x
 

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Hi becky,

no your right people that haven't been through it don't understand, and it was so nice for me to find FF just wish i found it sooner. My 2nd ICSI failed in march and sister in law baby due in 3 weeks sooooooooooo!!! happy for her would hate for anyone to go through this but still hurts bad. will put myself through it again in sept why!!!! because i have too. Sending you lots a luck chickxxxxxxxxx

hayleigh xx
 

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Hello Becky

Welcome to FF and good luck with your treatment!

Hope to see you with a BFP soon!  ^reiki^

I hope the end of this 2ww brings you the baby you deserve sweetheart  ^reiki^

xxxx
 
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