Hi I'm Becky - I feel a bit selfish in a way and a bit of a fraud, because you see I am 39 now and had children when I was in a previous relationship many years ago - we were childhood sweethearts and I'll admit that relationship was not a good one for me in the end, I was treated quite badly by my partner, he was very controlling, difficult to talk about but anyway I'm okay now, went through a difficult divorce several years ago, a few years as a single parent and then when I least expected it met the most wonderful man. We've been together 5 years now and married for 2 (he is 43 and I am 39) he is a fantastic step father and just adores our children and they in turn adore him - this is why I feel so awful coming on here in a way as I know I already have a lot to feel grateful for - having children together with my husband was something we talked about from the very beginning - we see it a adding to our family - for 'him' it would just be so fantastic to experience having a child from the beginning and for me it would mean the world to bring up a child from the beginning with the 'right' man and experience that with my older children. Anyway it sounds weird but I had this strange feeling something was not right from the beginning - I felt like it was Gods way of saying 'ha ha you had your chance but got the wrong man' (daft I know). To cut a long story short we have had several go's at ICSI treatment and failed - I have never viewed our problem as 'his' problem but ours but with each failed attempt I feel more like it is mine - why won't the embryo's stay in me? I ask - I am at the beginning of the dreaded 2 week stretch now and it gets no better - should you feel pains? no pain? dishcarges? no discharges? you dread any bleeding don't you? then as soon as I get any cramps I plunge into pits of despair and think oh no - failed again !! this time not long after I had inserted my progesterone tab in vaginally I had a white discharge (normal I know) but with what I can only describe as a few small drops of brown 'granite' - well that did it for me as I often get this a few days before my period starts - so I expect the worse - yet as always a small part thinks, you never know but a much bigger part thinks now - I'm not that lucky - its failure again! I'm taking the Prog tabs rectally now as I find that better. I do suffer with endometriosos too (just a small patch - but painful) I didn't suffer with this when I had my children before and so don't know if this creates different symptoms - but to be honest I get to the point as another attempt fails to think 'why am I bothering' but at the same time I want to try as we want it so much - as I type I swear I can feel the familiar dull period cramps starting - I find calling the clinic I go to difficult, I feel a 'nuisance' so I don't call even though face to face the nurses are great - what makes it worse is that (and I am sure all of you will have similar experiences) there have been countless pregnancy's at work - everyone found out about my last treatment cycle as some 'helpful' person spread the word there - my sis in law has just had a baby girl, my best friend is due any day now and it feels like every celeb mag I pick up features an article on some celeb mum to be or another - I find someone 'announcing' a pregnancy the worst bit, I can sense it a mile off! and I just can never face going to the clinic for a test, I prefer to wait it out at home and normally I know anyway by my period coming. Gosh - I feel like I have been 'moaning' on long enough - so forgive me for that - hi to all of you and thank you for reading if you have - hope I didn't bore you too much! - Becky x