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As we progress into 2011, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I have little chance of recovery.
· I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel
· I no longer have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
· I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
· I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
· I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
· Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
· I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
· I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
· I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates, Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
· I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
· I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
· I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
· THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
· BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
· I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
· I no longer use Cling Film in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
· AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
· I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
· I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
· I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
· And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
· THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
· AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a £1 coin dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
· I no longer drive my car because buying petrol from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying petrol from all the others supports South American dictators.
· I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by a spider and my hand will fall off.
· I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician. . .
 

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;D  ;D

I see we share the same friends on email  ;D

Shelley xx
 

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Hilarious!  ;D  x
 

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;D ;D ;D  I was reading through all of those nodding my head. x
 

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love it!!!!
 
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