I never risked it either! Thankfully my hair is mainly still brown, though I have some white hairs. I'm planning on having it touched up once I can leave my little one for long enough. At the moment, she's very clingy and doesn't like to be parted from me for very long at all. She likes nothing better than to be cuddled by me. She'll sit with someone as long as she can see me!
As for DCN, I wouldn't get too worked up about telling/not telling. I looked at it as I wanted to see what resources were there, to make contact with other women in the same situation .... I am trying to make up my mind but not decided yet. Thinking of maybe being open, but its a personal thing, people need to decide what's best for them. Just look into it with an open mind.
Dreaming - I totally agree with you. I for one, would much rather be an older mum with children rather than an older woman without, regardless of what ignorant people think. I am now thinking much more positively, glad for the support on here and feel better that other people know what I'm going through. I've decided to revel in being a mum and I feel proud that we have all had the guts to go ahead, despite any disapproval. It's been a long, difficult journey and I'm relieved I've reached my goal. I love my children absolutely and I'm not ashamed to be an older mum. We've all paid more in taxes than young mums, some who have never worked. If anyone makes a negative comment to me, I'm going to respond in kind, but dignified. And I'm going to say proudly that they are my children and I am not granny!
By the way, anyone seen the speculation about Halle Berry and a possible third pregnancy at the age of 50. If it is so, the likelihood is that she's used DE, but I bet she won't be forthcoming about it. Has anyone noticed that celebrities who have children later in life, even female ones, seem to get admiration, but us women who are not celebrities, get the negative comments.
You should be extra proud going it alone with two young children which i imagine is very hard work so well done you. You are an inspiration to me as I have not been brave enough to go for a second pregnancy yet. I have had people close to me comment negatively who I thought were friends but I think had their own issues deep down being older mothers themselves but decided to take it out on me. I also have some friends who chose not to have children and were questioned by a couple who almost had to go down the ivf route but got pregnant naturally so you would think they would be more sensitive to others feelings. People seem to just comment if they feel like it but I don't see why we should have to put up with it.
I hope Halle berry is pregnant at 50 just like Janet Jackson as I would find it an inspiration to me that I still have time to have another baby. My personal feelings are that as far as I am aware the option of using donor eggs to get pregnant has been around since the 90's and one of the nurses said to me people used to come to the clinic alone and it was very much not discussed but she said now women come in with their friends or partners and are more open, even if they need donor sperm or eggs so I guess it is slowly becoming more acceptable. I honestly just don't feel like I owe the the world an explanation of how I got pregnant, I am not ashamed of using donor eggs I just chose to keep that information private. So I choose to view the celebs as just fellow sisters getting pregnant. If they used donor eggs, double donation or froze their own eggs good luck to them. It's up to them and I feel like me they are not obliged to discuss it.
I remember reading negative comments online about John travoltas wife who was pregnant at 47 and speculation on how she got pregnant. They tragically lost they older son jet and it was lovely that they had a little boy. There is a lot of speculation about women but usually nothing about men on there...
Thanks dreaming. It is hard work but so rewarding. I'm glad you feel inspired. I agree about the media - when any male celebrities father a baby at a very advanced age - such as Mick Jagger or Ronnie Wood- even in their 70s, it's celebrated in the papers, yet older mums (who are generally a lot younger than this, are decried). There's always an article about the perils of motherhood in your 40s .... I have not regretted it. I agree it's no one else's business about how we got pregnant. I have not told anyone about the donor eggs except my sister for the reason I was giving her false hope that it was easily achieved in your 40s. .... I'm sorry you've had negativity from friends or family, it's the last thing you should expect. I'm beginning to think that its other people's issues not ours, and they're not worth worrying about. If we're happy about it, so be it. I am not planning on broadcasting to other people. I am not ashamed of using donor egg either, but why should other people speculate and have an issue about it. I don't want people thinking they're not my children as they're not genetically related. They are my lovely children and that's all that matters. They'll be brought up by me and be influenced by my parenting style. I don't know why people have a big issue about the genetic link.
I know it might sound like wishful thinking but growing this baby from a tiny cell in our body For those months, giving birth, potentially feeding baby with breast milk if possible and nurturing and loving this person for the rest of our lives, is that not worth more than genetics? I honestly think older mums will be more the norm in years to come so we are among the first to use this method which is special.
Also I remember reading comments from a donor saying that in her mind the egg she was giving was potentially lost each month in her period so why not use it to help someone. I thought that was amazing and very generous.
I totally echo your comments dreaming. I think it's amazing what gift the donors give and I hope they realise how much we cherish our little ones .... I agree about how we nurture and protect them while pregnant, breast feed if possible and then care and love them .. that's what matters, not their genetic origin. I saw a headline online to say Tina Malone is planning a sibling for her daughter who she had at 50 using donor egg. She is planning to use a surrogate due to pre eclampsia in pregnancy and she will be 54 if it works out. So its good to see older celebs in the media ...
I agree that it's becoming more common for older mums ... and that can be only good news.
I think perhaps we should start a new thread for parenting in your 40s/50s - to celebrate it and to relate the highs and lows ... we could name it something inspiring. I think we're trailblazers ... Hopefully we might inspire others in the future. we could call it 'Terrific Trailblazers - parenting when you're 40/50+ ... any ideas guys?
Sounds great!! Media is negative but the more positive joe public is around the subject and the older people are starting their family means media and general views are bound to be more accepting.
Maybe positive stories where being more mature is an advantage to a situation. I honestly feel more comfortable in myself so more confident in my decision making that I don't think I was when younger.
Hi - great idea for another thread. I'd be keen to join and would find it helpful. I have made lots of new friends with children but there's a 9/10 year gap between me and the next oldest which is fine 99% of the time but it is nice to chat with people who really understand and especially adding the whole fertility journey in as well.
Let's celebrate being older and being able to give our children things we wouldn't have been able to 20 years ago - and I'm not talking about material things because I for one have less disposable income than when I was in my 20's and 30's but I know I'm a much better mother than I would have been then.
I think just dealing with age without doubt some of the worst comment for me have been from other women. I am pleased if someone managed to tick certain boxes when they wanted to but that does not give them the right to judge. I don't want to feel embarrassed at my age. I want to feel proud that despite the odds with what life has thrown at me I got my baby in the end. I would love to be younger but I just have to be grateful for what I have and try to move on from worrying what other people think of me. I have changed so much since having my son. I only have positive people around me now. I do not tolerate negative people at all as I don't want that round my baby. I would not have had the confidence to take that stand when younger.
I agree I think I'm a better mum at this age, we don't stress about things the way I think we would have ten years ago. I think our lo is more free range than we would have let her be and she's certainly not short of attention 😁 And it's not just us, all the relatives are so charmed at having a little one after all her cousins that she gets fought over!
I agree dreaming and ivy. I've also decided I'm going to stop feeling stressed and embarrassed about it. I am who I am and I'm being the best mum I can, I put my children first which is more than some parents do. I'm just going to enjoy them. Just another example of stupidity - and the worst thing is that it was a health professional. When I was pregnant with Lydia last year, my consultant prescribed me clexane injections from week 20 as a precaution due to it being an IVF pregnancy. I was fine. However, what did upset me, was the reaction of the pharmacist. I took my prescription to a local pharmacy and said I had a maternityl exemption card but didn't have it with me, but I could bring it in later. The assistant looked very embarrassed and had been sent over to query it by the pharmacist. She apologised and said that she had been told to say that as my son was now 2, the maternity exemption certificate had expired. I explained that I had a current one and was forced to explain to a room full of people that I was actually pregnant again. The pharmacist had obviously seen my date of birth and assumed that I could not possibly be pregnant. So I had to say when I was due. I was made to feel really embarrassed about it and as if I was trying to defraud the NHS. I almost said give me a pregnancy test and I'll take it. I was going to complain officially about this experience but I was too upset to take any action. When I went in to pick up my prescription I took my new card and the girl at the counter was very apologetic and said she would put a note on the computer. I felt very angry that the pharmacist had made these allegations. After all, if I had been claiming fraudulently the NHS prescription agency would have dealt with it. At the very least, she could have asked to speak to me in a private room. Anyway, feel better getting that off my chest.
I'm setting up a new thread for support and sharing experiences of motherhood in our 40s and 50s. Hope you'll all join me. ....
Many thanks to all of you who have taken the time to reply and share your experiences. It's reassuring to know that I'm not alone in finding this upsetting and it does flag the fact that whilst other mums are friendly, being that much older can sometimes feel as if one's walking a more solitary path.
I'd love to meet mothers of a similar vintage - if there are any in my locality they're keeping a low profile - so if any of you are in London and fancy a coffee, please give me a shout! Alternatively if any of you know of any organisations other than the DCN (we can't tell for religious and cultural reasons, so this is a no-go option for us) which might be helpful, please let me know.
I experienced another cracker this afternoon, where OH got talking to a group of Italian women who were admiring the baby. One of them took it on herself to tell me that it was better for people to be honest about what they thought (i.e. grandmother as opposed to mother) after my correcting her and saying (fairly gently) that I found this assumption upsetting. She proceeded to tell me that she'd made this mistake "lots of times", that no one ever minded and that as a grandmother herself, she had often been mistaken for her granddaughter's mother... it didn't bother her so it shouldn't bother me! The fact that this mistake actually flattered her seemed to pass her by...
I got up and said that almost certainly she would have upset some of these other ladies, but probably they were just too polite to tell her. Clearly as well as developing a tougher skin, I need to think through a more robust/humorous put down for people this rude! Up until that point I'd been feeling quite good about myself!
I can understand the isolation feeling, when you have no common grounds to sit with them. One things that helped me bit is the weight loss, coupled with makeover to gain confidence. Let the people say we cannot shut every mouth but as a mom I have to raise my child better that’s all that matters.
sassy - I find that woman absolutely incredible! She misses the point - it's flattering to be taken for a grandchild's mother, not the other way around. I'm going to give myself a makeover to make me feel better about myself, once Lydia lets me leave her for longer! I think it's about time society gets onboard and stops make discriminatory comments, which other groups once had to put up with, but now thankfully people are more accepting of other types of relationship. I just don't see why it matters to other people if we're happy. I wish I lived closer and would happily meet up with you - but I'm up in Yorkshire. Maybe we ought to have a meet up some time all of us at a point that we can all access, and give each other some support?
By the way, you're all amazingly strong women and wonderful mummies! Don't ever doubt it
I am still carrying a lot of excess weight from all the steroids I took during years of treatment.
TBH, I could/should now loose my excess poundage and have been trying, but I'm just so knackered from looking after my lovely baby that I snack to reward myself whenever I'm tired. Anyone fancy a bit if mutual support in my quest to loose weight?
And yes, Debs, that bloody woman completely missed the point. People can be so thoughtless.