[Moragob]

The weight loss is definitely harder when you are older and then chuck in fertility treatment and it's doubly harder.  I'm struggling to shed the lbs and have just started running in the last 6 weeks.  But of course I can only run on a Sat and/or Sunday when my OH is home to look after the girls and I've only just started as my youngest is now 16 months and is happy to be left so nothing is ever straightforward.  I think I'd feel better about being older if I was slimmer and fitter but then I also tell myself that I am who I am as a result of what we've been through.  But Millicent telling people that Mummy has a squishy tummy because she had babies in her tummy is both sweet and terribly embarrassing.

I'm in Hampshire so not close to either of you for a meet up but I did meet up with a fellow FF'er in Winchester just after Millicent was born (in 2013) and we are planning to meet up soon as her first baby is due in the next few weeks.  We've not met up since but have had a lovely FF relationship since.  So I would be keen to meet up with others if possible

 

[Miller20]

Hi there, I haven't looked through every message on this thread but do know if you've done DE and are part of the Donor Conception Network UK that they have an older mums' group and I bet that's got women in with the same experiences.

I already feel ancient and have had people mistake me for 50 when I'm a few years younger and haven't even been lucky enough to be blessed with kids yet so dreading the inevitable granny comments...

 

[Opossum]

to be honest I had my DS just as I turned 20 after 3 years of trying... I HATED baby groups and never had anything in common with the other mothers except the fact that we spawned roughly the same time - its not an age thing, you just cant expect to get along with other people based on just one random thing in common

I also would probably make that assumption, everyone I know who has grandchildren became a grandma between 40-55, its very much the grandma age range and it doesnt mean you look bad (and that assumption is quite offensive to grandmas really, my mother was 40 when she became a grandma and certainly doesnt look 'old') it just means you are the age you are

 

[deblovescats]

I agree with you opossum - we don't always gel with someone just because we've all got children, regardless of age. I have thankfully found a couple of groups where I'm comfortable and there are some older mums as well as younger ones, also a few grandmas of varying ages. And as I've been going a while, they know I'm mum and I don't get questioned now!
I can see that anyone's view of grandma's ages depends on your own circumstances, but I don't think most grandmas range from 40-55, though obviously if they had children young and their children do, they will be. I know of grandmas in their 50s, 60s, 70s and even 80s.
I am just bemused that members of the public think that they have a right to comment and question whether you're mum or grandma, just what is it to them? Before I had children, and now, I never had any compulsion to say to question whether women with children were mum or grandma, I would just admire the child and talk to them. I never thought that it was my concern. I think people should think before opening their mouth. I am maybe a bit sensitive but find it hurtful. I am really trying to grow a thicker skin and don't want to let ignorant people spoil my enjoyment of motherhood.
I had a few days of varying experiences - had my usual music group Friday morning, loved it, everyone knows me and my family situation and very comfortable. Then in the afternoon, took DS, DD and my own mum to a play area where there is a café which gives work experience to people with learning disabilities and they also have a little farm for children to look at the animals. We went for a piece of cake and a tea. It was practically empty except for two older couples. Both admired DD and her attempts at walking holding hands. One woman just said how lovely she is and what beautiful blue eyes ... felt good. The other one said she was lovely and then said 'are you grandma?' I did want to say 'no I'm mum, it's just sleep deprivation' but thought why should I so I just pretended I didn't hear it. I mean the likelihood is that I'm mum and my mum is grandma, seeing we have 3 generations of a family here, and not 3 of 4 generations. It nearly reduced me to tears but managed to contain it and gave myself a strict talking to. I will not let anyone spoil it, I've waited so long - not through any fault of mine, just never met a guy who was on the same page as me! Then yesterday went to a different group with DD and a group of young mums were there, and not one of them questioned whether I was mum or grandma - could have kissed them!
Sorry for the rant ladies - just needed to get it off my chest.

 

[nevertoolate]

hi
i know exactly what you mean about peoples comments. I have noticed that not just on this subject but various things, there seems to be a lack of what i would call just basic good manners. if someone thinks something, why do they think the have the automatic right to say something that will probably hurt that persons feelings. its as if their right to ask the questions just outweighs that persons feelings. i do the same now and sometimes just ignore the question, if the person is ok being rude to me then why should be i be polite and try to explain myself. society can just deal with it as far as i am concerned. i also found myself having a child much later than i wanted but i feel blessed that i have my little boy as i could very easily be still trying and i feel very lucky and pray the other lovely ladies on here get their dream no matter what age. the longing for a child has no age limit...

 

[deblovescats]

Thanks dreaming - I totally agree with you.
Why is it that people think they have a right to comment. They have a right to think what they want in their head, but please just keep it there. In an ideal world, I would have had my family earlier, but it didn't happen, so people just have to get over it. My children - and the children of all older mums - are cherished, probably more so than a lot of children, who are just conceived without being planned. After going through all we go through, they really are wanted and loved. Surely that matters more than how old their mum is.
Dreaming  - your son is so lucky to have you.
I shower my little ones with so much love and I do so much with them, I don't want them to miss out because I am an older mum. I have decided that I am either going to ignore ignorant people or say proudly I'm their mum. We don't have to answer to anyone or justify our choices. Anyone who matters to me, is supportive of me and my little family. I know how lucky I am to have them and I hope all other ladies on here can get the same.

 

[nevertoolate]

i know there are specific challenges for each age range on here ttc and it is good that there are different categories to help bring people together with the same issues but i feel that all the women on here trying to get pregnant and going through fertility treatments are real heroes and the friendships made on this forum have given us a glimpse of the flip side of this conversation that we as women do support and care for each other. you are a hero and don't forget it..x

 

[deblovescats]

You are so right dreaming!
I think it's about time people who have issues with older mums start to concentrate on the fact that what's most important for a child is to be cared for and protected, rather than the age of their mum!
I am usually upbeat, but if I have a bad moment, I think of positive little moments like this evening. When I put my son to bed tonight, I hugged him and said 'I love you so much.' He smiled and hugged me and said 'I love you too mummy!' That's the first time he's said it. He's always given me hugs and kisses and if I've said 'do you love me/baby?' he says 'yes'. His speech is now progressing well so he's moving on with that. It melted my heart and brought tears to my eyes.

 

[nevertoolate]

lovely, that makes everything worthwhile... i cant wait to hear the word mum x

 

[deblovescats]

dreaming - you'll laugh - until recently, his word for mum was 'madden'! don't know where that came from.
It makes it all worthwhile.

 

[Sassy-lassy]

Ahh, Debs, sending you hugs.  I continue to be showered with the Granny comments and although trying to grow a thicker skin, am not there yet, so I know how you feel. 
This afternoon, OH and I took DD to a local playground for the first time, and she had her first ever encounter with a swing, and then a slide.  So much pleasure in the simple act of taking our child to the park.  Another lady who was there commented on her delight and asked if she was our first grandchild... It completely punctured my little happiness balloon, reminding me that whilst I'm now a mother, I will always be different, and that in time, my daughter will become aware of this and may be upset by it.  This lady was mortified when I replied that I was her mother, but the damage had been done.  I told her that whilst she was not the first person to make this mistake, it was a knife to my heart each and every time.  Maybe letting her know how upsetting such comments can be will make her think before speaking next time... 
Anyway, you have hit the nail on the head when you say that the children of older women are cherished.  My beautiful, darling daughter is my life, and I still get very emotional when I reflect on the miracle of her being here.  And whilst people don't mean half the things they say sometimes, I never fail to be amazed by how blasé they can be about their children, saying how they can't wait for them to be back at school/more independent/leave home etc.  Even my SIL was telling me recently how, as soon as her children were born, she felt her job was to help edge them out the nest!!
Dreaming, I hope everything is going well for you and that you hear that magic word from your little boy very soon.  My LO is now 13 months and although she has said her first word, has yet to call me Mummy or Mama on a regular basis (although she has been known to call for 'mum-mum' when she is upset).  However, the feeling it gives me every time she rolls over to snuggle up next to me at night, holds up her arms for me to pick her up and her smile when she sees me every morning is indescribable.  Older or not, we are all totally blessed!

 

[deblovescats]

Thanks sassy - you are so wise and I'm glad that you were so measured but accurate in your reply to the lady in the playground. Hopefully it will make her think before she speaks. I am getting there, but it does still hurt and I do worry how my little ones will feel when they're old enough to be aware. I just hope that all our children know how much they're loved and that this won't matter to them. I still wonder why people have to comment at all about the relationship - if they think we're grandma, why do they need to clarify it ... it doesn't matter to me who the person is with a child.
On a more positive note, had a tiring but wonderful day. DS was lucky enough to be invited to 3 birthday parties today - had to turn down one which clashed, so mummy had a day of chauffeuring both little ones around, as DD is clingy at the moment, and both grandma and auntie are reluctant to look after her! I didn't even get lunch. First party was at a farm with play areas and petting animals ... some mums there were from a music group we go to, so I felt very comfortable with them as they know who I am and no adverse comments ... Then we had to rush to the next party at a soft play area. None of the parents (some of whom are young) made any comments about grandma, just discussed my baby's development as there were a couple of other babies as well. A lady who had taken her 4 year old grandson to the play area but not the party, was chatting. Her grandson took a fancy to DD as he has a baby brother at home. He stood in her path, and his grandma asked him to move as she said DD is learning to walk and babies like to walk to their mummy! I could have kissed her. It just shows the impact of a different outlook and experience. So it can happen!

 

[deblovescats]

Still a mixed bag of comments but definitely getting there on the developing a thicker skin. It's scary but it's the time for applying for a school place for DS - he was only just 3 in July, so he'll be a young one when he goes to school next year. I have been touring loads of schools since Easter, but there was a final one a few weeks ago. My mother (a retired teacher) has wanted to come round with me to look at schools, and I wanted her to be a part of it, because as obviously I'm an older mum, she's an older granny! And I want her to be able to enjoy as much of the experience as she can. The head was showing us, and another mum around. The head did not want children to go round but I obviously had to take DD as there was no one to look after her. DS was at nursery. When we got to the school hall/dining hall, the cook asked the head to sign a paper and she asked her to tell us about the meals. The cook told us then said, 'Oh, so it's grandma and great grandma as well ... ' I could have hit her! I felt very upset but managed to hide it. I was carrying Lydia so why did she think I wasn't mum. By the way, the other mum definitely did not look young enough to be my daughter so I felt very insulted. I mean why on earth did she have to make such inane comments.
However, since then, I've calmed down. I've been back to my toddler and music groups, and no one has questioned the situation. DS has been to 8 birthday parties so far, and two more to go, and not one person there has queried whether I'm grandma, so I could kiss them all!

 

[nevertoolate]

hi
just to post an update on this topic, i have noticed generally when out and about i have noticed a lot of women going out of their way to say hello to my child and start talking about their grandchildren and the age they had their children...hint hint.... i know that sounds vague but i guess you had to be there, its getting more and more regular and seeing my reaction to the comments. i feel i look older due to the sleepless nights too. i feel like having a go when people go into one about it. even a woman i work with who has access to my age info due to her job keeps going on about her grandchild. i told her the other day how lucky i feel after years of trying to have a child and nobody can possible ruin my happiness so let them try, funny enough she has stopped harping on about being a grandmother.....

 

[deblovescats]

Good for you dreaming - that should shut her up!
I think I'm getting a thicker skin - I'm either not noticing or letting it all drift over me now! I do occasionally get a bit paranoid about what people think, but at the end of the day, I think they're not going to spoil my happiness at finally getting my little family. I've finally got my hair cut and styled and feel more positive about myself - my mother said it made me look younger so hopefully it has! Why should we get all these judgements, we don't judge any other mums such as young ones … I feel comfortable going to groups I go to as everyone knows me. Now my son starts school in September, I'm hoping I don't get other parents wondering at school gate. Thankfully I know a few other mums from groups.

 

[nevertoolate]

debs....all i can say is you are my personal hero!! i can hardly cope with one and you are are an amazing mum...... as women we are judged all the time so now it just annoys me as the judging is normally from other women sadly.....but who cares we love our babies and they love us and that is the most important thing. the bottom line is that our children would not be here only for what we put our minds and bodies though so we should be proud of ourselves....

 

[Sassy-lassy]

Just seen the latest updates.  Interestingly, I was chatting to another FF in a similar position recently, and she said that where she lives (up north), there were quite a few older mums.  Likewise, a friend who had her DD at 42 remarked that in her area of the big city we live in, play groups/mother and child sessions etc were dominated by mums, quite a few of whom were older.  Where I live though, events are dominated by nannies or au pairs, who are younger, or foreigners, many of whom have babies at a younger age (not that having a child so late for me was a choice).  There are very few mothers - I guess mostly they’ve returned to work by now.  So whilst there’s no getting away from the fact I am an older mother, my experience is shaped by the place I live and the type of families who live nearby.  Like others on here however, I’m trying to develop a thicker skin!

 

[deblovescats]

Dreaming - thanks for your kind words. You're doing a great job for your little boy.
Sassy lassy - it's amazing how our experiences are different depending on where we are! I live in the north too - at groups, thankfully I feel accepted in the groups I go to with James and Lydia. There are some grandmas as well as mums, and some of the mums are older, not many young mums. I am lucky as well in that one toddler group is also attended by two acquaintances of mine (one I used to work with, and one I currently work with and have done for the last 11 years) who are both older mums, so we feel comfortable with each other. One has just turned 41 and has a nearly 3 year old boy, and has been trying for a sibling, but had two miscarriages the other is 50 in November and has 2 grown up children, a 13 year old girl, and wanted a baby with her new partner. She had learned about my experiences through contacts, and on my recommendations, went to the same clinic and has a daughter with DE who is one next month. We are all supportive of each other and don't have a problem with being older mums. I also know locally a fellow solo mum who is mid 40s and has two DC children and another mum via DCN who has twin girls from DD who are nearly 3, and she is 53. So at least I don't feel as if I totally stand out.
I think we older mums can be amazing. I just don't get why some women feel as if they have to establish the relationship we have with our children. If they are unsure, just don't comment, it's nothing to do with them! Lots of things are now frowned upon thankfully which are prejudicial, but it seems as if ageism is allowed in relation to being an older mum. Like you, Sassy lassy  - it was never my original plan to be an older mum. I had always hoped I'd meet my perfect match and have a family with them but it didn't work out like that, so I went it alone. I wish I'd been able to do it before but I was living in hope. I decided to try to be the best mum I can to my lovely children. They are so loved by everyone we know, including in groups, so I consider that people who have a problem with my age who I don't really know, just don't matter.

 

[Jeanette2]

Hello
Hope you don't mind me jumping on board, just stumbled across this thread as was today for the first time mistaken for my son's grandma which really upset me too as it's something I'd always worried about happening but never has until now. My son is now 4yrs and I had him at 44 as well as a baby girl who I had 4 months ago just before I turned 49 last month. It was just an innocent remark from a nanny in the park who immediately apologised but as you all know it's one of those things that once said can't be easily taken back or forgotten. I do fret that I'll get more remarks as time goes on, especially with my daughter being so young and would also like to develop a thicker skin. I had both of my children through donor conception and neither look like me much so that alone might invite curiosity. I've always looked younger than my age and like you Sassy-lassy was so delighted to have a much longed for family but now my confidence has been knocked a bit I feel I need to regain it again. In an ideal world would have had children earlier but my father had early onset Alzheimers and I cared for him for many years which meant postponing a family and didn't meet my partner until later in life.  Being in London, however, it's slightly easier and I know a few over 40s mum's but I'm definitely the oldest I'm sure at the playgroups I attend and must admit do knock a few yrs off my age if asked.  Like the OP don't want my children to be picked on at school as have overheard children ask each other how old their parents are; it might also later invite other questions about their origins but at the same time don't want to always feel I've a secret to hide.

Anyhow hope you don't mind me having a little vent, not easy is it, but will try to still enjoy my children to the maximum and just stay healthy and well to hopefully see them into adulthood. 

 

[deblovescats]

Welcome Jeanette - the more the merrier!
However unintentional it is, it still hurts. People can be so judgemental about older mums, I don't know why, as research shows that we make good mums and at the end of the day, it's nothing to do with anyone. I don't make judgements on other peoples's lives, so why should they on mine? There is an assumption in the media that all older mums put off having a family because of a career, but in most cases this isn't the case. Like Jeanette, some mums have been carers, lots of us haven't met a partner in time so it's not black and white.
Just try and enjoy spending time with your little ones, they're so precious. If asked by people at groups and in public, I'm not upfront about my age! It's nothing to do with anyone. I had double donation, but have never had any questions about the children not looking like me, they definitely have similar colouring, and friends think they look like me!