[casey]

i got a bfn this morning - im trying to put a brave face on so i don't upset my dd but the tears keep coming - i just feel as tho ive let her and dh down and that this is all my fault. i haven't even got the heart to feel angry at the clinic for messing things up. one minute im thinking of trying another clinic, the next going abraod for de and the next of forgetting the whole thing and trying to get back to some sort of a normal life. i feel as tho im putting the whole family thru the rollercoaster and my moods are making everyone miserable.

im sick of vitamins, acupuncture, no alcohol, caffeine, organic food, yukky herbs, no diet drinks, no sex or calender sex, blood tests, needles, drs, hormones and all ive got is an extra 1/2 stone  and lots of tears at the end of it all.

i keep thinking why me and then i think why not me coz i no so many others are going thru the same nightmare. does anyone else feel that no-one can ever undersatnd how soul destrying this is even dh just seems to get on with it and it takes the sight of me in tears to remind him  that i need some support.
sorry to whinge and im sure that ill pick myself soon - we have to don't we
caseyxxx 

 

[saphy75]

casey i'm so sorry about your bfn hun  i understand exactly how you feel especially where dh is concerned, they seem to take it all so much better than us sometimes don't they. i always think the best thing to do is let all your feelings out keeping them in isn't any good for anyone. so you go ahead have a good scream and cry and remember you are not alone and you can have a good old moan to us girls here anytime you need. 

pam xx

 

[poppyfish]

really sorry casey ...i,m sick of it all to .. after vr and  tests and worry and hope and an extra 1/2 stone too
just wanted to say i,m at the same place right now ..
lots of love ,,poppy

 

[Ellie.st]

Dear Casey
I know how you feel too - it's miserable, isn't it. (And I got the extra half stone too!!!).  I agree that you need to let your feelings out and give yourself time to recover.  You will start feeling better with time and you can start making decisions then.  Take care of yourself in the meantime.

 

[Enigma]

Casey - I'm sorry that you feel like that - but I'm angry too that my recent ICSI ended BFN & 1/2 stone - how come this is?? is it the drugs?? hormones?? I would love to know the answer to this.
Best of luck to you

 

[RubyRoo]

dear casey,

so sorry for your bfp.  it is so soul destroying I know - i've been there 5 times before - and so unfair too.  don't worry you are not alone in what you've been thinking as we all think that too.  life is just really tough for us right now and to be honest i don't know where we all find the strength to carry on but somehow we do.

take some time out for yourself and try to do some nice things and relax for a while and then i'm sure you will start to see things more clearly and will be able to make a decision on next steps.

we are all here to chat to always - it really helps.

take care of yourself.

love
ruby x

 

[Heather18]

Casey,

Just read your post, and it struck a chord, Im feeling a lot better now I got a Bfn AGAIN a few weeks ago ... I got an extra stone too... my emotions have settled down now but i was a real witch for a while and yes DH seemed oblivious to how i was feeling and all i wanted was some sympathy and a bit of love.  We've decided to wait until next spring now before having our final attempt in that time I am going to try to feel better about myself ... lose the stone and forget about making babies for a few months ... yes I know easier said than done.  Up until tonight DH had said never again.

Hope you feel much better soon xxxx
Heather

 

[casey]

girls - thank you so much for your support - im trying my best not to get upset but i just feel so frustrated - i did everything right and still it didn't work - i need to take some time out to think what to do, try to sort out my relationship with dh and concentrate on my dd but then i think have i got time to do that - i wasted so much time in the past thinking it would happen and now i have to face up to the fact that it might not.

IF has changed me so much - i used to be so outgoing always ready for a party or night out - and now everything revolves around tx - ie no alchohol etc. i feel so resentful that this my life and i have IF - living with it is as tho as part of you is always missing 

Sorry about the me post again - i will get over this knockback - just trying to work out how   
thanks again
caseyxx

 

[ladyroxton]

Sorry to ehar of bfn's - I had my second ICSI in May and got another bfn too.  Not happy with as, like yourselves, I felt I did everything right and I wasn't even feeling stressed or worried but it just didn't happen...and I think that's just how it is unfortunately.

Having been around the boards for a while (mainly lurking) and reading up on everyone's experiences etc, it appears to me that if it's your time then it's your time. 

Like yourselves, I have often wondered 'why me' and then felt guilty because it's no-one's fault that we're in this situation - it's just life.  My dh had testicular cancer and now has azoospermia as a result - thankfully dh is well now and he'd banked some 'supplies' (9 straws - 2 down, 7 to go) and we're now able to have treatment. 

Ironically, when we first started trying, one of my friends decided to go for it as well and the day she told me she was pregnant, we'd just got the results back from dh's tests and I had to tell her that we couldn't.  Two months after that, my friend who was on Clomid at the time then found out she was pregnant - that was a hard time and there were quite a few 'why me's' going on then!

Medically, I don't have anything wrong with me and yet the treatment still isn't working - very frustrating and soul destroying, but that's how it is. 

It's heartening to see so many positive's out there though and even thought you're unhappy now, Casey, at least you have your wonderful dd which is more than what we have - we tried to be sensible and wait until we could afford to support ourselves first before having children but that choice was taken away from us by the cancer unfortunately and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't blame myself for not trying to conceive sooner 

Anyway, enough of my out-pourings - I hope you all begin to feel better very soon,

Luv,
Katrina.

 

[casey]

Thanks for your message katrina - believe me not a day goes by that i don't thank god for my dd particuarly as i nearly lost her when she was born  she now has a disability but in my eyes shes perfect  and always will be. the main reason i want another child is to give her a sibling
the thing is its not so much why me but why does this have to happen to anyone- im not bitter - my best friends son's girlfriend age 17 is due to have a baby in august - no job, house, money etc and my best friend is furious whereas im telling her that she'll feel differently when the baby is here -
it is just so hard at times and i feel resentful towards myself and what im doing to my family  - sorry if this is another whingy me post
but then i only got my bfn yesterday im sure given a bit time i will bounce back
as usual
thanks again for your support casey 

 

[Bel]

Hi Girls,

We have just had our 4th Bfn on Tuesday and I just wanted you all to know that I understand how you are feeling. Today AF has arrived with avengence and I am in terrible pain now both mentally & Physically!! We took extra care this time to ensure that we did everything correct,fresh fruit,veg,no caffeine,no alcohol....etc. It doesn't seem fair that we all do our best and change our lifestyles to give us a chance of being a Mum and yet for most people it happens easily or even an accident??!! The only thing I can honestly say is that when it happens for us we will have the added feeling of appreciating and knowing just how precious our babies are....

I feel for you all, but it's so nice to know that I'm not alone. I have also put on half a stone....very strange,

Love to you all,

Belle,x

 

[casey]

bel -im so sorry to hear about your bfn - its so hard to want something so much and not no what to do to make it happen - but let skeep telling ourselves it will happen one day - i hope you're feeling better soon -
take care - casey

by the way does everyone gain 1/2 stone - talk about adding insult to injury

 

[ladyroxton]

Yep, I think everyone does put on half a stone, LOL!  I'm right there with you all - definite insult! 

Luv,
Katrina.