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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi

Sorry if this sounds a but whingy but I just want to get it off my chest.

My older sister and I have been ttc have been trying to conceive for about the same amount of time and I am now pregnant.  I was very careful about telling her as I knew she'd be happy for us but at the same time upset for her own predicament.  Well, I bit the bullet and she cried with happiness which was a huge relief but even so I didn't get too excited in front of her and tried to talk about other things with her.  We went shopping later that day and I popped into a shop whilst she sat outside.  When I came out of the shop she was on the phone crying to her husband about it and I felt truly dreadful and tried to offer words of reassurance and told her what a big part she would play in the baby's life.  A few weeks later we went round for Xmas dinner and her husband didn't say congratulations to either of us, even though he knew what we'd been through to get to this stage.

Since then every time we see him, he never mentions the baby to us or asks anything about it and when it crops up in conversation (never mentioned by us but often brought up in conversation by my sis or parents) he looks the opposite way and has a vacant / disinterested look on his face or will leave the room.  My sis tried to show him some scan pictures and he looked at one then left the room.  This has continued throughout the pregnancy and never gets any better.  I've spoken to DH about it - he's quite level headed - and he's noticed it too.  BIL is making me feel guilty about it and our pregnancy is turning into a bit of an uncomfortable topic, which I'm starting to resent, I feel that we've been through enough without putting up with this crap.  I know that sounds a bit heartless but the reality is that they haven't done anything about having children, no investigative work, nothing.  He's worried the problem lies with him and doesn't like the idea of giving a sperm sample, I just think he's being selfish as if they have treatment my sister will have to go through much worse than doing that.  I've tried to encourage my sister in the right direction but I just think he's at home telling her that I should mind my own business and she's now starting to say they think they won't bother trying for children.  He's not a bully or anything in fact before this he was lovely.  I know that it's up to them to decide their future but I don't want my sister being bulldozed into soemthing for the wrong reasons, but appreciate that I've got to keep out of it.  I feel like saying to him 'just because you're burying your head in the head don't make us feel bad about achieving our goal' - I would never dream of saying anything so heartless.  I appreciate that he may be going through turmoil about their predicament and we've been there ourselves but we never made anyone feel like crap for being pregnant.


My sis is now talking about us all going on holiday together next year with the baby and quite frankly I don't think I want to if he is going to be a funny bugger and make us tread on eggshells.

I feel so bad for writing this, almost disloyal to my sis
 

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This is really terrible situation to be in, I don't know what to say but wanted to send you a huge  ^hugme^.  It sounds to me that your BIL is literally terrified its him with the problem and doesn't want to do a sample - my DH didn't want to do it either, it was hell getting him to do it BUT once he did it was fine - as you rightly say whether its a problem with him or her (or neither) chances are she's going to go through a lot more than producing a sample.  At this point in time I certainly wouldn't commit to a holiday with them.... I hope they get themselves sorted, sounds like there is stuff going on in the background that perhaps you don't know about....  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^

Bev xx
 

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Josyl,

I had to read this as a couple of years ago I had major problems with my BIL and his wife too. We had been trying to conceive for years and they were getting divorced so he moved in with us. He made my life miserable while I was going through my first round of IVF by being a really thoughtless house guest and then, just a month after our tx failed, they announced (in public and in front of all my in-laws) that they were getting back together because she had fallen pregnant (as a result of one 'reunion' during the period that he lived with us). I was gutted and thought I would never cope. Anyway...long story short, they have a gorgeous little boy, but are actually divorced now.

The point of my story is that I really became quite bitter and upset about it all, to the extent that I didn't want to spend any time with my BIL or my in-laws at all as I found it really hard not to let my true feelings about him show. I went for a series of massage sessions with someone who is into spiritual healing and ended up discussing it all lots with her. She gave me two excellent strategies for looking at it (bonus, since I was just expecting a massage!  ;D)

1) Whatever happens, so long as you are living a 'christian' (and I mean that in a sense of morals and values, not religion, with a small 'c') lifestyle, then this is HIS problem. It is not your problem and therefore you should try not to let it get to you. HE is the one that needs to think about it and worry about it...not you.

2) (and I think this is the best one!) Everyone we meet in life will eventually disappoint us one way or another (as we will also disappoint others too). Each time they do, we should try not to get upset, but just look on them as being 'less developed' or 'less evolved'. It made me laugh when I first heard it, as I felt a bit harsh labelling everyone else as neanderthals,  ;D but then I realised that she just meant that we sometimes have to imagine that other adults are just like children and feel a little bit of pity for them for not being able to deal with certain situations. I use that a lot when people let me down now and it really helps. It also makes me look at how I am with others and I have certainly learnt a lot about myself and the areas of my personality that are 'less evolved' too!

I hope that makes sense and don't worry about ranting...that's what we are all here for!

Alice xx
 

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Honey this sounds very awkward and difficult but I agree with Alice that it's his problem and you should not let him make you feel bad for being pregnant. 
Obviously as an FF member you know alot about being tactful with other couples who are ttc as this is the least you would expect from other close friends and family.  So long as you are being thoughtful in how you treat him and he is still being this ignorant then I would refuse to let it make you feel bad.  Don't let anything spoil your pregnancy, you've worked hard to get it.

I would just try to be as supportive to your sister as possible, you can't make your BIL do anything he doesn't want to - but as you've pointed your sister in the direction of fertility investigations, there's not much more you can suggest.  It's got to be between her and her DH, no matter how much you want her to be happy.  She may just need time to 'work on him' so give them that chance.  Some men do find it difficult to imagine it might be them with the fertility problem, and also many are more scared of tx and getting embroiled in the whole thing than they would care to admit.  But your sister may be better able to put pressure on him than you realise.

If your sister gets upset about your pregnancy, or the way he's behaving, it sounds as if you have the kind of relationship with her where you will be able to comfort her.  That's all you can do, and she knows how much this means to you. 

Just don't let it get to you - and don't go on holiday with them.

Claire x
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Many thanks for your responses ladies.

I think I've been fretting a bit that I've done something wrong or offended him in some way, which isn't the case as I'm going out of my way to be nice but I can't disguise my bump - which is the problem.  I've noticed that he keeps having a pop at me when he can, my sis offered to take our dog off our hands during the week as I've been struggling walking him due to tiredness and SPD and when she mentioned it to him he said 'I don't see why she can't walk him', which was a bit unkind.

I talked it through with my mum last night and told her that maybe I should back off completely and not mention babies but my sis won't talk to mum about it for some reason and I seem to be the only one she openly talks to when we're on our own and my mum doesn't want me to stop encouraging her just yet until they've looked at all their options, although I know it's not up to mum we both know how much my sis wants it as she keeps crying about it. 

My sis is trying to get BIL to go to the docs at the minute so in the meantime I'll back off for a while and just mention it in passing when I feel the moment is right.

Thanks again

xx
 
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