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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi

I haven't spoken with anyone about this other than my husband. My friends fall into two camps those with kids and no fertility probs and those that also struggled with fertily issues and have unfortunately not been successful so i don't think either group would understand.

This is a long one - thanks for reading if you get to the end  :)

I am lucky enough to have a gorgeous 4 nearly 5 year old after 2 years struggling with infertility (unexplained but some mild MFI and perhaps age related as i was 37 when we started trying). I did end up having ivf - the first attempt i got pregnant but at 8 week scan no hearbeat followed by ERPC. The second attempt was abandoned as i ovulated early and the 3rd attempt resulted in our wee boy.

I had reconciled myself to the fact we would only have one child as i had just turned 40 when I gave birth, natural conception seemed unlikely and going down the IVF route seemed pointless given the success rate in the 40+ age group. However, the first year whilst i was always wistful that this would be only mat leave etc i would have and envied the other mum friends i had made who talked about planning for baby no 2 as if it was a given, i was too busy to really overthink it. Our wee boy was a handful, not a great sleeper and as neither my or husband's family live nearby we were often too sleep deprived to think about having another child.

Until.. without even trying and while still breast feeding i became pregnant naturally at 41. It was short-lived as i started bleeding 2 weeks after my missed period. At the start i was ok about it, even convinced myself we couldn't cope with 2 under 2. However, i think I also felt we were going to be of those couples that had suddenly become very fertile after years of infertility and i thought that we'd fall pregnant again easily. We didn't. Cut to 14 months later and i had signed us up for IVF again. The desperate need to have another baby had really taken hold and was in some ways even stronger than before we'd had a child. The IVF was not successful - I'd prepared myself for this, and told myself I just needed to know i'd done everything i could before i closed that chapter. Three years later and still trying naturally i haven't been able to close that chapter on having another child.

I've started the ball rolling with donor eggs twice now over the past few years and not got past the consultation stage. It's like fear of making the wrong decision is paralysing me: using donor eggs and regretting it or not giving it a try and regretting it. As a result I've almost sleepwalked into nearly being 45 and feeling deep down i'm probably too old now to even go ahead with donor eggs.

Ironically in Feb of this year we had another consultation with IB and this time i felt i really was ready to progress. Then covid hit and everything was put on hold. I'm now thinking was this a sign from the universe that this wasn't the right choice for us? However, the lockdown situation in lots of ways amplified how i would love to give my son as sibling as i really felt for him not having a sibling when all his wee friends  had at least one or two siblings for company. For the first time ever he also starting talking about wanting a wee brother and it broke my heart.

Travelling to spain for treatment doesnt look to be an option any time soon and with my son starting school in August anyway, our schedules are much less flexible. I feel like my inability to make a decision means the decision has been taken out of my hands.

My cousin, who I am very close with phoned me yesterday to tell me she's pregnant with no.2 (naturally). She's 43 and also had her first when she had just turned 40. While i'm happy for her, the news has really hit me hard. She's one of the people i would always think of in terms of 'such and such only has one child and they're happy'.  I know i've been so lucky with one healthy child but all i can dwell on is my friends/colleagues who have had a 2nd child into their 40's with no problems. Why couldn't my natural pregnancy have stuck?

I am driving myself crazy with my thoughts and feel i'm in the same dark place i was before i had my son and then feel so guilty that i even feel this way and can't just count my blessings...

Does anyone have a similar experience and any good advice?
 

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Hi
i will just drop a quick one coz i don't want to read and run. I am same age as you and i have a ten year old. I have tried since i had him with so many losses etc, I understand this is  a hard decision to make and it is something that you alone can make.
i am however having a tandem cycle as old as i am because i still want to give my eggs another chance though i understand that its so slim a possibility. if it wasn't of covid i would have had my treatment in march but here i am counting months adding to my age

i wish you all the best though and i pray you will make the best decision.
 

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I have biological children and de children and I can honestly say I love them no different, well maybe a little different just because of how they came about ! I say go for it, everyone has a few reservations doing de, but once you actually get the ball rolling, choose a clinic and get to egg collection, hopefully those worries will be gone, I can tell you from my perspective, as soon as those eggs were out of the donor they became mine ! Maybe look at cycling in the Czech Republic, prices are cheaper than Spain and there isn’t a problem with travel there atm. I went to crm zlin and there is also reprofit. Take that leap, you won’t regret it !
 

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Hi Wenisk,

Sorry to hear of your struggles.

I have older biological children and am truly blessed to have a 17 month old double donor baby. There is a slight difference in my feelings towards bio and DD baby, but absolutely  nothing negative. I had miscarriage after miscarriage between my last bio baby and my toddler. I appreciate my youngest so much because of the struggles we went through to get him. Absolutely no regrets as he came when the time was obviously right for him. Incidentally, I am nearly 47 now, nearly 48 and have found i have so much more patience with the youngest than i ever did the older ones. Another positive, my body doesnt seem to need as much sleep, so I dont fell tired too often.

I would absolutely say go for it. Which one would you regret more, trying and having success, trying and not having success or not trying at all. If you have concerns that baby wont physically gel, my brother and I look totally different. My DD baby is the spitting image of all my kids ??? Yes i asked for certain attributes like green eyes, big mouth, dark hair. I got those and also big ears (dad has big ears, 10 year old has big ears 😂) and LO has also got a gap in his 2 front top teeth, just like me. Ears and teeth I didnt ask for, but I got them anyway. All kids are a blessing, doesnt matter what route they took to get here.

Good luck with whatever you decide x
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.

@jdm4tth3ws - what clinic did you use. We've only met with IB and they said they will match based on hair, eye colour and build. They didn't suggest i could request certain features.

One of the reasons i think I'm stuck is that every month i keep thinking maybe we'll get pregnant this month, although i know that's very unlikely as it's been 3 years since the miscarriage. I think if we hadn't got pregnant naturally i would have moved on a lot sooner.

Also i had been referred to a gynae consultant as out of the blue, starting last Sep, i got a period every 2 weeks over a 3 mth period. It hasn't happened since but as i'd already been referred i thought i may as well attend the apt and i thought id need to check if i had fibroids anyway before i start any treatment. It got a date in march which obviously kept getting postponed with covid. I eventually saw the gynae last week and took history, asked about birth control etc and when i said we didn't take any he seemed surprised and said something along the lines of 'oh so you like to live dangerously'  ;D It did make me think though well he's a doctor that doesn't think it's beyond the realms of possibility for me to get pregnant at my age.

I think deep down i know the regret if i don't try will be greater. I do worry about being judged about having a baby at my age but my husband said i care too much what other people think.
x
 

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hi. I feel like this is the position I'm in at the moment. Now 45 and toying with the idea of egg donation. A year or more ago we even contacted clinic, attended but never moved forward with it. We started the adoption journey but were declined (long story due to pet snakes)
Now back considering it all over again and I need to lose weight. I'm at the upper BMI limit so ideally even a stone would help. I've been here before and never made an attempt to lose weight but it's now or never.
Covid has really thrown a spanner in the works though, even more so with the new quarantine rules.
I too think if I don't do this I'm only going to regret it.
I hope you make your decision soon x
 

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Hi wenisk,
I am in the same situation as you, I had my son via ivf at the age of 39 and I’m approaching 45 next month and contemplating having another but with DE this time! I always thought that when my son was born that I wouldn’t want to throw any more money at it again, I did try with my own eggs as we paid as part of a 2 cycle package but it didn’t work. Within the last year I have been strongly considering it again. I would just love him to have a brother or sister and he has been saying how he’d love a brother. the story’s I hear when I pick him up from school is how the other mums talk about planning for their 2nd, if only it were that easy for me. We have decided if we did it again and hopefully it would be this year that it would be in the Ukraine. X
 

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Hi. I just read your post and although slightly different I feel so much is similar. Our age and one child and needing and wanting another so bad. My daughter is visiting DE after 7 rounds OEIVF worked first time.
I got pregnant naturally when my daughter was 10 months old. I lost it at about 11 weeks.

We had one frosty left. It failed. Donor donated again 2 embryos. Fresh and frozen transfers failed chemicals. We wanted so badly a genetic sibling. I am absolutely devastated.

So now we face a change in donor. And that is so hard to contemplate. My daughter is now 2. Such a long time has passed.

I probably took for granted that DE always works first time now I am out of embryos my donor and time.

We worked with a clinic in Spain. Travel was not so difficult. Over and back in 48 hours. Travelled Feb and July.

I hope you can make a decision soon. Following. 
 

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Hi, I haven't logged on for ages so only just seen this, I have 2 DE children after a naturally conceived child and have no regrets as I would have struggled to ever get over my DS being an only child as we have no family nearby and no cousins his age.
 
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