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Discussion Starter #1
We have a daughter from an egg donor. We had one frostie from that round remaining. It failed.
Our donor donated again for us. We had two embryos. Both failed.
So out of 5 embryos only 1 worked.

Has anyone switched donors to try for a sibling / second child?

How has that worked out for you?

What issues can you share? Kids look alike? How do you feel about having two donors to create your family?

Would appreciate any replies or advice.
 

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Whether they would look alike or not is the least important. There are kids from the same parents and no physical similarities. Make sure those egg donors didn’t have certain family diseases, esp because of hereditary diseases like cancer, diabetes, etc.
 

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Hi ZC,

We are very likely to be in the same situation (I think you already saw my post above). With such a low number of eggs this cycle. I think we would likely move on to a new donor next time. For me the concerns are less about children looking alike and probably more about whether our children would have the same chance to learn about and potentially meet their donors as adults.

I’m not sure I have the energy for ANOTHER attempt at altruistic donation in the UK, it’s just so hard and expensive. However, doing one cycle here and another in Europe seems unfair as the two different children would have different amounts of information in the future.

I’ll be interested in people’s thoughts on this - and whether they stayed with the same clinic / country for donation.

Xx
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thanks for your reply. I can understand those concerns indeed. Same donor makes it easier especially for later.

Mine was a Spanish lady so it’s anonymous anyway but the laws are changing there possibly so I could end up similar to you.

I’m also not sure I’ve the energy funds or anything left in the tank for another cycle. I have never felt so awful as I do now.

Hoping for your embryos. Would be such a relief for you. Here’s to positive thoughts and I’m following x
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Just to add similarities in looks is a factor to consider for children. Likewise similarity to parents is a factor to consider.

While we can explain and share all the info and prepare them for those comparisons it’s still something that children notice and are aware of. Plus we have to deal with this ourselves. Hence the question.

For parents who are using donor eggs we understand and can accept there is no real resemblance to mother and we can explain why. But people do try to find you in your child and siblings in each other. So if they are from the same donor that can be easier for them.

Hereditary disease etc. is screened for. And a DNA sample and bank is in place even for anonymous donation.

Hope that explains the question.

 

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I agree so much with all of this - personally it’s been way complex considering how my child will feel about donation than to come to terms with my own feelings. I made my peace with using donor eggs quite quickly after four crappy rounds of own egg IVF. All of our care and anxiety in picking clinics and donors has come from considering how she would feel about her own heritage and trying to make that process as painless as possible. A second donor with a different story, different attributes and all the rest could be very challenging for two siblings to navigate.

That said, if it’s a choice between less than ideal donor situation or no second child I think on balance I would be tempted to do the best I can to match, go for it, and worry about the rest later. There is no guarantee what traits people will inherit from their genes anyway or how much they will care about their egg donation heritage.

My daughter is very similar looking to me which is ironic because we didn’t prioritize
a physical match at all. We both have red hair and blue eyes which is pretty distinctive. We get a lot of comments, like in a group someone might say  “I know whose child THAT is right away!” It’s bittersweet for me, and I kind of love and hate it at the same time. I do worry that it will be hard for her to hear when she’s older. These issues get really complex when they are real humans with questions and understanding of their own!
 

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Discussion Starter #7
We Had a long conversation about this last night. It’s exhausting. I envy those who just have it all happen naturally. No weights or worries apart from the regular parenting ones.

When the clinic call we can know more. If they suggest same donor I’m not sure I could refuse but that would seem illogical.

I understand how bitter sweet that is for you. But it’s really nice and quite rare really. I think bio kids always have something from someone in the family.

What is difficult is when people try to find you in your child and there isn’t really a resemblance. And they keep trying. And it happens daily with photos or events or family meet ups. Again it’s exhausting! And now possibly adding another child to the mix. I could be overthinking this too as my head isn’t in a great place atm. 

Hoping for good news for you coffeeandcake

 

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Aw ZC big hugs to you. It’s such a roller coaster and so exhausting to go through all this. I have found trying for a second child difficult in a totally different way to trying for the first - some aspects were easier for sure, but there is also an overwhelming sense of exhaustion (and anxiety about dwindling funds) that didn’t exist with the first, when we were focused on success at any cost.

I’m always amazed how many people still play the ‘looks like you’ / ‘looks like dad‘ game even though we are extremely open about egg donation...  I actually find it extremely awkward bc then I have to say again and again... ‘but we used Donor eggs’ when I would rather not go there so explicitly -  anyway as you say it’s quite a nice problem to have in a way but my MIL is notorious for it and me and my husband have had to explain to her SO many times that she doesn’t have ‘my’ hair. I’m actually pretty hard line on it as I don’t want my daughter to grow up confused. Maybe I should relax a bit!!!!😂

Anyway, IDK. I feel like I love my daughter so much for who she is and if we had a second child who was very different I would love them too. Me and my full bio sister and very different in looks and personality and we never felt competitive about that - but perhaps that’s bc there wasn’t the complexity of egg donation in the mix.  So maybe it’s just a case of going with the opportunities we have rather than flogging away at a donor who isn’t working out. Let me know what you end up doing!
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Clinic replied suggesting a change of donor. Proven fertility history. I’m really sad. My reaction suggests I may be done with this journey. I don’t feel right about this at all.

I honestly feel if we cycle again for what will be my 12th transfer and 5th transfer of DE the outcome will be the same. We will be in further debt and my own health will suffer. And what good is that to our daughter or us? I’m exhausted mentally and physically. I have physical symptoms of exhaustion.

I wish I had the get up and go to just go for this. But years of this crap has burnt me out. I don’t know how anyone just gets pregnant has a baby and then has 4 more. I feel like a total failure.

 

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Aw ZC, that’s tough, I’m sorry. It’s such a rough ride at the moment and I feel like all the extra stress from covid has contributed to everything feeling more difficult and stressful.

Is this a decision you have to make right now, or could you give yourself a little time off then revisit when you are in a better place?
 

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Oh and I wanted to add that you are NOT a failure, you are a f****ing legend IVF warrior. We are tough! It’s not a bad thing to decide to draw a line under the process, enjoy the child you have and look after your own health. No wrong or right answers here - just what is best for you. X
 

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Hi ZC

Just read your post and I have been in exactly the same situation! I have a 2 year old DS from donor eggs and am now 22 weeks pregnant with a DE baby girl from a different donor.

We really wanted both our children to be from the same donor and have the opportunity to contact and potentially meet their donor and half siblings together but sadly it wasn't to be. We had 3 frosties from DS's cycle so were pretty confident it was going to work out but went through 3 failed FETs and then called our donor agency to find our donor was no longer donating. Was devastating, literally blow after blow and our dreams of everything finally working out the way we wanted were shattered.

Agency did find us a new donor though, we pushed straight ahead and it worked! I am still a little sad that our second child has a different donor but honestly that fact that I'm now pregnant and this whole infertility journey is (touch wood) finally behind me feels bloody amazing! I know we will love this new baby just as much as DS and get through whatever comes together as a family.

I have brown hair and eyes and my husband is blond and blue eyed. I really wanted a donor with a good physical match to me (ie dark hair and eyes) as I thought I would feel weird with a fair child since dark characteristics are usually more dominant. Of course DS is blond and blue eyed and looks really like my husband (and nothing at all like me!). Literally everyone comments on how much he looks like my husband and I just laugh. I really don't mind at all. No idea what DD will look like but I really don't think I mind either. If she's blond and blue eyed at least she'll look more like DS and if she has brown hair and eyes at least everyone won't comment that she only looks like my husband!

There are no right or wrong answers or ways forward but if you do decide to go for it and it works honestly you'll be ecstatic that all the treatment is behind you and you won't look back. This journey is so tough but you have come so far so be kind to yourself and take the time to make the decision that is right for you and your family.

Wishing you lots of luck and baby dust xx
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Thank you Kara
I’ve tears in my eyes reading this. You’ve no idea how helpful this is. Your honestly is so much appreciated.

I am having a really difficult time of it lately. I wake up each day and count the pregnancies I’ve not experienced, the failed FETs the months I should have had my baby March July November and May. All gone or not to be.

So much hurt and pain. And we have almost decided to stop.

Clinic are going to call me next week. As routine. They have suggested an alternative donor for max success but I’ve asked for same donor. And even then we are really unsure. I’m so broken and I should be happy to have one child. I am also older now so everyone will know it’s assisted and probably donor. Which doesn’t matter but I’m a private person and so many don’t understand.

By the way my little one looks nothing like either of us. I don’t care at all. Once she’s happy.


Thank you again x
 

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ZC, I just saw this. I’m so sorry to hear it’s been so difficult for you. Please PM me any time if you want to talk and vent.

Coffee x
 

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Hi ZC also happy to chat if you ever want to PM me xx
 

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Hi ZC


I have 2 boys from different donors - from different countries! They are both perfect, great friends and have made our family complete. I didn't ever worry about having a different donor  for each of them and I think that the whole obsession with trying to see the likeness between children and parents and between the siblings themselves all eases off once they are out of babyhood. I've got one with dark hair and brown eyes and one with blonde hair and blue eyes!


Good luck with your decisions. PM me if you would like!
 

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Hi,

I'm a bit late to the party but wanted to say that I have two children with two different donors.  They are both similar looking facially but different builds.  Funnily, a number of people have said that my first looks like my DH and the second looks like me :). People see what they want to see.

Good luck on your journey.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Thanks Angel
Your reply means a lot to me

We are due to return in the coming weeks and hope for a sibling

 
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