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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi ladies,
can anyone tell me why Social Services want us to have given up on IVF before embarking on adoption??

It seems that this rule dosnt apply in USA ,for example Angelina Jolie!!

Also if you told them you had given up IVF, how would they know if a few years down the line you had another treatment cycle as i am assuming that once a child has been adopted then the Social Workers would not be involved.

These are just a couple of niggles,
^idiot^
thanks girls

poppyxx
 

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I beleive it is because they want to be sure that before mebarking on this long life changing journey they need to be assured that fertility treatment has be concluded. Adoption is such an intense journey they want to make sure this is the right next step.

Hope this helps.
 

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Poppy Hi

I think SS want you to be committed to adoption and to show that commitment to adoption. Having a baby even one via IVF is very, very different to adopting and they need to ensure that you are in the right place emotionally to deal with adoption and all that it brings.
It also costs your LA one hell of a lot of money to put you through the adoption process so they want to try and lessen the risk of you upping and leaving part way through the process.
It seemed unjust to me when I was first thinking about adoption but now that I am nearly at the end of the process I can fully understand why it is the way it is. Adoption is tough and you do need to have dealt (as best any of us can) with having to have give up on the idea of having a birth child so that you are in the right place to support the possibly very demanding needs of an adopted son or daughter.
SS will also be very quick to point out to you that they are in the business of finding families for children not finding children for people who are not able to have their own. The children are at the absolute centre of everything they do.
I know adoption is very different in the US but I can't comment on the IVF v's adoption thing.
As for SS knowing whether you persue IVF after adopting - I'm not sure about this perhaps someone else further down the line than me could comment... I do know that SS are around a lot initially at least after adoption and with our LA at least remain in the background to support you until the child is 18. I had thought I might do IVF again after adopting but this would be very, very much dependent on the child we are matched with and their needs and their background prior to the adoption.

I hope this helps and I wish you well on your journey to be a mum.

Love crusoe
x
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks so much jan and crusoe

i was aware of these things but struggle to understand why people couldnt have IVF later on after adopting. I have had many BFN and am starting to think about adopting as i just want a family, as we all do. The problem i have is that i cant say hand on heart that in 3 or 4 years time i wouldnt consider going through IVF again.

maybe im not ready to give up yet :'(

thanks again ladies x
 

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Hi Poppy

From what I've read I don't think there's a problem with having IVF further down the line.  It seems adoption agencies like you to have a certain amount of time before doing this - for obvious reasons.  I guess though that once the adoption order has gone through (a few months after placement) and you are legally the parents you would be able to do what you want.

At the same time once you've adopted you may find you feel complete without wanting anymore IVF - who knows!

Good luck

Diz x
 

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poppy22 said:
Thanks so much jan and crusoe

i was aware of these things but struggle to understand why people couldnt have IVF later on after adopting. I have had many BFN and am starting to think about adopting as i just want a family, as we all do. The problem i have is that i cant say hand on heart that in 3 or 4 years time i wouldnt consider going through IVF again.

maybe im not ready to give up yet :'(

thanks again ladies x
Hi Poppy

The ladies have given you some great advise.

To me it does sound like you are far from ready to "give up" on ivf and having a bio baby.

My DH and i spent over 8yrs ttc and it took us 2yrs to come to terms with "giving up" and started the adoption process in dec 06 and now i have 2 little ones asleep upstairs and i wouldnt change things at all, i dont regret having tx or spending 8yrs going through it as its make us stronger and the people we are now.

When we started the process we were ready to stop ttc and did say that if adoption didnt fulfil us 100% then we could have more tx later on as i am 29yr old so still had some time however once we found out about our 2 i felt 100% complete and would not go back to ivrf or ttc again.

I think one thing you need to think about it how important to you is having a bio baby and going through a pregnancy? or is it a family you want? as for me a pregnancy would have been nice however it was a pure "means to an ends" as such to have a family.

Crusoe is correct as in that SS are a "childrens service" and are their to give children a family and not maker adults parents.

Another thing i think you need to think about it that if you did go through adoption now its going to be about 9months to get approved (thats if your SS have SWers avalible to get you started now) plus time waiting to be matched ect so in all even if it was quick for you then ttc/ivf would need to be about 4yrs away (about 2yrs after a child was placed) as other wise your "adopted" child may feel like they will get pushed out for not being your bio child

Hope this helps (and makes sense as i am shattered as my youngest likes waking mummy at 6am!- with a nice yucky nappy!)

xx
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks Diz and MJ,

MJ, when i read that you have two little ones in bed asleep it makes my heart swell. You are quiet right in that im probably not ready to give up. But i am nearing the end of my journey. I have been going through IVF for 10 years and whilst being pregnant would be a dream come true, i just want a family so bad and i no longer feel its as important that the child is ours biologically. I want to put the pain of going through all this to bed and start a different chapter in my life but i am finding it very difficult.

We are planning to have another attempt later this year and i have told my DH that if it dosnt work then i want to move on. He is the eternal optimist and would have me carry on forever but i cant.

thanks again for the advise ladies i really appreciate it.

love poppyx
 

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Hi Poppy

like i said it took us 2yrs to both say yes to "move on" as during that time one would be ready however other wasnt and it has to be a 100% joint YES!

why not have a read of some books and keep an eye out about adoption open evenings within your local area to maybe have a chat with some SWers

feel free to post on here for any more help/support

Good luck for your next tx
xxx
 
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