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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi every one

Sorry but I'm using you guys so I can have  a moan  :(.

I have a beautiful d/d who is nearly 10 months old, I conceived her after years of heartbreak and our 2nd IVF. I have mentioned to d/p on a few occasions that I would like to try for baby number 2. He is absolutely dead set against it!

I broached the subject again last night and explained that I knew I was a nightmare over the last few years regarding wanting a baby but I wont be like that this time as we now have Darcey. I explained that I didn't want to go down the assisted conception route but we would do everything naturally and if it happened it happened but if it didn't then no matter, we tried.

D/p said we should be happy with what we have (which I am) and that he couldn't even think of having another baby. He also said financially we couldn't afford another child (we would manage) and he is posted away in February so would be a way all week.(Hes in the forces and will be moving about 4 hours away, were not going with him as his posting isn't very nice). He also stated that he's an only child and it did him no harm ::)

I explained that I am 33 and really time is not on my side and I would love for Darcey to have a little brother or sister, financially we would manage as you have to and at the end of the day it would be carrying the baby, delivering it and doing the majority of the childcare with the children.

D/p also said he was worried in case I suffered the pre eclampsia like I did with Darcey (I was quite ill which resulted in Darcey being born 5 weeks early)I told him it was rare to have it again.

I have asked him if he would just think about it and maybe we could start trying when Darcey is a year old but he will be  moving away in 10 months and we'll only see him at weekends so likely hood of falling pregnant is slim.He said a flat no :-[

I can see his point of view but I feel that this is important to me and to Darcey.

I feel really cross that he has dismissed it out of hand. I know this is not the PC thing to say but I really feel that I was meant to be a mother and have lots of children - this is what I have always dreamed off. For god sake I have spent 15 years working intthe childcare sector so Children are a major part of my life.
I just hate it that he is able to have the control and the say so to if we can even try for another baby :-\

Sorry for the moan

Nikki
 

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Just wanted to send huge  ^hugme^. Without going into detail I'm in the same situation except that our ages are affecting the decision - I'm 42 this year & DH is 51. Financially DH's job is never secure & we had a scare earlier this year about the possibility of losing it (he's very specialised as well so can't just get another job anywhere).

DH loves N to bits but children were never really on his agenda until he met me & I said I def wanted them. Had it not been for trying for so long he might have been more agreeable to more(?)

He also worries that as N was such a good child if we had one that wasn't so good coping with 2 would be far more difficult.

I still want another baby (having said if I had one I wouldn't ask for another!) but I really don't think DH will change his mind  :'(

It's hard but maybe he just needs some time to get his head around it, hopefully he will come round to the idea. 10 months isn't long so give it a little while longer ^reiki^ ^reiki^

Gill
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Hi, yes not so long ago we went through this subject and dh main concern was over money and he did mention his age every now and again, although I don't think he is too old and hes not, alot of people have children later than him. 

Sorry to say that I've had to accept his decision and I try to think of the positive things, like I have more time to spend with ds and more money to do things with him.  I did get dh to let me give up working on Fridays so that I can have more time with him.

Shazznewman

 

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Hi Nikki

We were in the same position but over ttc no3, he said no no no for a long time then briefly he said ok but only for you (I explained that no-one bats an eyelid over his career, boys weeks away etc but the one thing I love and want to again I am being blocked because he won't consider me),then since xmas I mentioned nothing about it not even when we saw my friend who was pg, I really found it hard to bite my tounge but I did this because of the advice a fellow ff friend gave me.
Anyways last week my period was making a show and I said to him about taking clomid and he said ok do it!!! How shocked was I!

So the only advice I can offer is either really sit him down work out the cost and do everything that he has a negative for make look positive or say nothing more for a few months (he may be really shocked that you want another) let the dust settle and then approach again in 3 months or so. I found saying nothing worked as he then didn't hear me constantly going on about it and by the time I mentioned it again he had had time to think and said yes.

Hope you work it out, it's so hard when you want it and he doesn't - big hugs

Sarah x x x x x
 

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Hi Nikki,

I have to say my dh has said no to another after both J and M but each time he's come around with time - he's just needed a bit of time to recover from the sleepless nights and all the rest of the stress that comes with a newborn!! I do think Sarah is right in that you need to not keep on as hard as that may be, then just broach the subject again in a month or two, explaining how you desperately want another. Can you strike a deal? I know it probably sounds a bit daft but my dh was desperate to knock a hole in the wall and I really didn't want him to, so in the end it was a case of you can do it we can ttc again!!

I'm going to move you over to the Hoping for Another Miracle section as I'm sure there are others there who have gone through the same thing. Also there is a Broodies thread there for those wanting another but not actually trying at the moment which you are more than welcome to join and the girls there will certainly understand how you feel - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=111888.0.

Alternatively there is a 'Moving on - For those with children' thread if your dh really does dig his heels in - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=422.0

Good luck and big hugs to you,

Chux xx
 

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Ha ha chux that's sort of what I did, he wanted his annual wkd away with the boys but a bit further afield this time (majorca) and said I ok but you agree to talk and listen about ttc3 and that's when he said okay we'll try again but only for you!! lol than I left it three months said not a word and like I say last week got a yes!

x x x x x x
 

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Hi Nikki,

Just wanted to sympathise as I went through the same. When my DS was 11 months I went to the doctor to be referred back to the consultant again and my DH was not happy. He kept saying we were fine as things were and it was too soon etc etc, but I said, you never know it could take a while this time. And now I regret saying that as it was a year ago now and nothing is working so far. But now my DH is fairly keen on having another, now our DS is 22 months though! So maybe in a couple of months he will change his mind!

Kelly x
 

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Dear Nikki

I am in a similar situation to you in that I developed pre eclampsia which resulted in our wee girl (now 16 months) being born eight weeks early and spending seven weeks in SCBU.  (Thankfully she is fine).  We have three frozen embryos which I would love to give a chance to, but my DH is not at all keen as he says that he is worried about possible risks to the baby because of my age (44) - and I have to admit that I have concerns on that score as well. 

However, I suspect that the pre eclampsia issue is also a factor with him.  I went to see my consultant to see what the chances would be of it occurring in a future pregnancy and was told that it was more likely that I might get it again because I had already had it, although the chances were that it would be less severe second time around and that it would not set in as early. I was also advised that I would be given low dose aspirin if I did get pregnant again and that this would reduce the chances of recurrence by about 15%.   I see that you say that it is rare for it to occur again but perhaps it might be worth asking to speak to your maternity consultant (if you haven't already done so) as this might help put your DH's mind at rest on this aspect at least.

I do agree that giving it some time before discussing it again might be a good move.  My DH has gone from "definitely not" to "maybe in the summer" in about four weeks.  I have worked really hard at hardly mentioning it since he said no (I can normally nag for Britain if I put my mind to it ;D ;D ;D) - I explained how I felt four weeks ago and since then I have only mentioned it twice in passing (honest) and things do seem to be moving in the right direction.

Good luck.

Ellie

 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Hi ladies

Just wanted to say thank you for your responses.

I think I will do ask you all recommend and keep quiet on the subject for a while. I think I feel time is not on our side as such as d/p will be gong away in 10 months and theres also a great probability that he will be going on 6 month tours to Afghanistan and Iraq so even less chance of getting pregnant ::)

I think what I'm more cross about is that before I had Darcey I had no control over my fertility and this time I have someone else taking control. I just want to give it a shot and see what happens ~ fingers crossed.

Good luck to all you ladies who are now working on your d/p or your trying for your nextbaby.

Nikki
x
 

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Hi Nikki

I agree totally with the control issue. We have Male infertility probs and some say that vits etc can help improve things. Well I have to NAG NAG NAG to get him to take the vits and to not have hot baths. If it was me with the prob I would do everything in my power to improve the situation.

I have learnt that if I try not to nag (really hard for me!!) he takes them without making a fuss. Stubborn man syndrome.

We were lucky to have twins from IVF in 2004 but after my mc last year I really would love another baby. Like you I always imagined myself with lots of children and it really hurts that I am not in control of this aspect of my life.

Also my DH is in the forces so I know how you feel about timings etc, my DH always seems to be away when I'm ovulating grrrrr!

I'd love to say give him some time and he'll probably come round but I know that time isn't on your side. Try using your womanly ways  :-* :-* (its amazing what that can get you).

Hope he comes to your way of thinking.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Hi all

Just thought I would give you an update.

D/p remained adamant that he didn't want another child but took no responsibility over contraception and neither did I. He knew I wasn't taking the pill so the ball was in his court.
Last Tuesday after feeling a little rough for a few days I did a test - just in case- I couldn't believe it when I sa I was pregnant. I was a little nervous about telling him but he was great about it.
Since then it has been a rollercoaster  due to constant bleeding and finding out I was initially carrying twins but have miscarried one. We're just both praying all goes well with this little one now so fingers crossed.

I just want to say thank you for all your wonderful advice - I did stop nagging and that yes miracles do happen.

Nikki
x
 

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Congratulations Nikki I hope everything goes well and enjoy your pregnancy

allyx
 

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Congratulations - hope you have a lovely healthy pregnancy x x x x x x x x
 

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Congratulations! Best wishes for the next few months. Will be thinking of you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I;m afraid it wasn't meant to be for us , I found out yesterday during a scan that this baby had died too.
We are absolutely devastated :'(
Just wanted to say thank you for all your kind wishes

Nikki
x
 

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Oh sweethear I'm so so sorry to hear your news. Stay strong hon & thinking of you all ^hugme^
 

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so sorry Nikki sending lots of love x
 

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I'm so sorry. What sad news  ^hugme^
 

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I'm so very sorry to hear your news  ^hugme^ ^hugme^
 
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