[Autumn Jade]

Hi all, any words of advice or experience would be fab.

We finished our unsuccessful IVF journey in early October and decided to go ahead with adopting. We both agreed, and I got right into it but he didn't really, whenever I brought up either us not being able to have our own kids or adopting, he'd just give one word answers, never raise the subject himself etc. I was worried I was steam-rolling everything, so I left it for a couple of weeks, thinking that may give him space to bring it up himself, but no, it just cumulated in a huge row the other night because I feel so lonely in all this and I'm really scared the SWers will judge this against us, although i'm sure he'd be an amazing Dad (he's really cute & goofy with our 2 dogs) . I know he wants a family, but when I ask him about why he's not talking about it he just says he doesn't know what to say, he can't picture it and although he wants a family 'it's not the end of the world' if it doesn't happen. I've booked a counselling session through our IVF clinic next week, but can anyone tell me their experiences and how you coped? Any guys on here who can give my DH some tips??

 

[Boggy]

Hi Autumn Jade

for you both. It must be so hard for you to see your DH struggling. I think sometimes people forget about the men in infertility - they suffer too and need time to grieve.

There is a a good book called "Approaching Fatherhood" which is published by BAAF. It talks a bit about the impact of infertility and I know my DH found it useful. It explains about adoption and how men may feel about it.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Approaching-Fatherhood-Guide-Adoptive-Others/dp/1903699657/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1291974721&sr=8-1

Lots of agencies suggest you take at least 6 month away from TTC before you start the adoption process, to give you time and space to reflect. Hopefully with time and support your DH will beable to think things through. If he's really struggling it may be worth speaking to your GP.

all works out well

Bx

/links

 

[Autumn Jade]

Hi Boggy,

Thank you for your reply, I'll definitely order that book! I'm probably being a bit pre-emptive and neurotic, we have been told to wait til March before we can start, I just want to feel we're a team again, not in our own corners- I have all this stuff racing around my head and the one person who could help is 'absent'    Do you think it's ok to speak to GP? I'm scared it'll look to SWers that we can't cope/ have relationship problems or something? I work with children and know Ofsted's medical checks raise concerns about mood altering medication & depression etc...

Hope things are working well for you, and thanks again for your post x 

AJ x

 

[Boggy]

Hiya

It does sound to me as if your DH does needs support, but whether that be from you, counselling or the GP I'm can't answer. I'd see how he gets on at the counselling appointment, but if you think he may be suffering from depression then your GP is best to help.  I completely understand about not wanting to contact the GP as it'll show up on your records - I felt the same.  If your DH was so be prescribed medication, then it probably would delay the adoption process - however if it means your DH is well again then maybe thats what needs to be done.    I had a very low patch a few months ago, and my GP spoke to me off the record but said if I needed to be referred for further support then it would go on my file.  She recommended seeking support through my DHs workplace support scheme instead. 

It may well be that your DH is just feeling very sad at the moment and needs time to come to terms with things.  Many people on this site have been through counselling and have received medication so I'm sure they can offer more advice about that side of things.

I found myself with a swirling head too, and I found writing it all down in a journal really helped.  I showed what I had written to DH and it helped us talk things through.

Take care
Bx