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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Its like the title says really. Im now 36 and happily single with lil old Edes to keep me busy!!! I am currently Civil Partnered but have been separated for nearly 3 years. I usually post on the Gay and Lesbian boards but wanted to see if you guys have any massive pearls of wisdom...

The problem, is, I really don't feel as though my baby days are over, have had massive yearnings for another child since Edie was 3 months old.. A long time to yearn with little or no respite from it.

I just don't want to get to my forties and regret not making a decision when I could actively do something about it. I have six vials of sibling sperm at the clinic.

There are just so many pros and cons of starting all over again... I could probably afford another child- just about.

I worry about the impact on mine and Edies quality of life if I go through with having another baby.. what if I screw it up and end up functioning badly with both kids... then I will have mucked up all of our existences for a very long time. But then I worry that if I dont atleast try again to have another baby, I will be miserable for ever!

I dont see myself finding someone who I actually would like to raise a baby with in the near future- I did have someone but other people got in the way of our relationship and I ended it.

The other thing that worries me is the family aspect... I only have my Dad and Aunt and Uncle...my brother lives quite close but I'd be surprised that he knows he's got a niece!!! Edie currently has a whole raft of family who absolutely adore her, any little one born to me alone would not have many people around at all.

Also.. Edes goes away from me for 50% of the week, any other child would not... would it really be fair of them to separate them so often.

I dont know, maybe I am over thinking this stuff. I suspect if it didnt take as much planning to get pregnant, I would have done it by now and b****r the consequences.

I dont know... any words of wisdom from those who have had susequent babies? ???


Kerry xx

 

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Hi Bagpuss,

I've had two bubs on my own.  Though I have a big family, all of them live on the other side of the world and most are not in regular contact, so for the vast majority of the time, it feels very much like I have no family.  Friends fill the void.  :)  My parents separated when I was very young, so my sister and I were also shuttled between mum and dad (and then my grandfather once dad left the country).  We also had two younger brothers, who stayed with mum full time, so this somewhat resembles the scenario you describe. 

Even before having my son, I knew I would want another child and like you, I had some sibling sperm set aside for future use.  It took a lot longer to fall pregnant with my daughter than I had ever envisaged, and also included a move to donor eggs.  To be honest, I felt driven to have my second child - my family just didn't feel complete to me - and that is no reflection on my wonderful son.  Now my daughter is here, I no longer feel that same drive to have a third, though I am considering it.  The fact that finances would be difficult, that it would be tough to balance running a business with having a baby as well as a child in school, that childcare would be more difficult - none of that ultimately proved a deterrent to trying for my second.  With respect to considering a third child, these are all things that are very much to the fore of my mind.  I think, therefore, that the drive to have a child overcame any "logical" considerations when trying for my second child, whereas now, though I like the idea of having three kids (if I got that lucky), I know the lengths to which I would go are very limited.  Ultimately, only you can come to a view as to what makes you tick.

Regarding your eldest having two parents and your next bub "only" having you, the plus side of course is that you would have a period of time each week for one on one time with your next child which could take place outside the view of your eldest.  It is often hard to manufacture one on one time when all your kids are around at the same time.  I don't think, when I was a child, that my sister and I envied our brothers, nor the reverse, and the reality is that in our family situation at least, I am closest to one of my brothers, not the sister with whom I spent 100% of my time.

Finally, I have to say that I have found having no family members close by quite trying.  It would be easier if the family I have abroad were of the type that would remember my kids on birthdays and Christmas, but it was my son's 5th birthday yesterday and the only one of the lot who remembered, sent a card and called, was my father...and of course, help with childcare is non-existent.  From my perspective, so long as you have quality relationships with the small number of family members you have, then perhaps that's what is most important, not the actual number of family members.  :)

I wish you luck with your decision making, and should you want to follow up, feel free to PM me. 

A-Mx
 

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If you are still in a civil partnership even if you are separated then you have to be careful of the legal aspects - I would check out if your ex partner would still be legally a parent of a new baby if you are still legally entwined. Best check out on the legal board. You might have to be able to prove she did not consent or get divorced.

I was going to do the donor sperm thing alone when my DH could not accept it and I started down the road alone.

I fully appreciate all the worries and complications that go around in your head - I don't have any close family except my elderly father and I was scared - but I was still going to do it.

The clinic will want to counsel you and check that you will manage as part of the welfare of the child documentation.

Don't leave thinking about it too long - there is never a good time to have a baby and it is always an anxious time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Wow Indekiwi and Hopeful,

Thank you so much for your responses. They have both helped me to make my decision... I really do not want to be in the position of regret for the rest of my life so have therefore decided to go for it!

I have been referred by my GP to the clinic and should hear in 6-8 weeks. My GP will be doing my day 3 and 21 bloods. I have 6 straws of sibling sperm left and my old clinic have some more that I can buy so all good in that department.

I just have constant worries that I wont be able to cope with another child and also worry that I wont have any childcare for the school holidays. I know in my head that things always have a way of working themselves out. I cannot control everything and I am most certainly not going to let my fears stop me!

I am sure I shall be on here again with panics etc but I cannot thank you all enough for your support,

Thanks,
Kerry
 
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