Fertility Friends Support Forum banner
1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
576 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all

I am 43 and after several attempts we decided to do down the donor egg route. I was very excited about it.
Yesterday we received details of a potential anomymous donor that look really good. However, instead of excitement I felt a bit down that it won’t be my eggs. In a way I felt a bit down that this is the end and my husband and I will not have an offspring which is biologically ours.
i know that I will get over it eventually, but wondered whether it happened to anyone else and did you get over it?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
123 Posts
Hey Efi,
Its only natural to feel down about this. I too went through the same feelings. I was diagnosed with low ovarian reserve in my mid 30’s and we tried a few cycles using own eggs but each cycle failed to even get past fertilization stage. It took me a while to come around to egg donation but in the end I came to the conclusion that I would rather have a child through ED than never have any child. Take time with your decision and good luck 🍀
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
356 Posts
Totally normal.
Just to help with the terminology. The child will be biologically yours just not genetically linked to you.

Pregnancy and growing the baby is biological and extending on that breastfeeding is also biological if you choose that. So you will have a biological child together.

I have two children via DE so if I can help at all with anything let me know. My donor was also anonymous.

when you have a child through DE you realise that it’s not the next best thing it is the best thing and that child was meant to be and could not be without you. But this doesn’t happen until you have them. You’re always aware of how they came about and they will be too but that’s just the way it is.

At the end of the day you’re choosing whether you want to be a mother or not. And if successful it also quickly becomes about the child switching from you both and your fertility journey to investing your all in your child.

Families are made in many different ways

I hope that’s helpful x
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,677 Posts
Yes to everything ZC has said.

Gestation IS biological! Its about the biggest biological thing u can do.

Best of luck x
 

·
Registered
Me 44, DP 42, TTC 2013, 2 MCs, 2 failed IVF, currently donor egg IVF
Joined
·
39 Posts
Hi,
Did you speak to a councillor? My clinic offered me a free session. It did help me to understand the treatment, the emotional side. Also how to tell the child when grow up what is donor means and I also could ask her all the things what was in head.
I suggest you to speak to someone. There's no shame in that. Good luck 🤞
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,091 Posts
I copied and pasted this fragment from EDF post: Yes, an egg recipient mother influences the development of an embryo created from a donor egg. How does this happen? Let’s explore. This is a great post by them: Will my donor egg baby look like me? IVF and donor eggs concenrs. that explains a huge role a mother recipient plays in baby's health and lifestyle choices. Hope this helps.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
61 Posts
Hi Efi, I know how you feel, I struggled hugely with this as well. I initially always thought if I couldn't use my own eggs then NO WAY would I ever use DE. However once my own eggs were truly no longer an option, the realisation that I could possibly have a baby, and a much better chance of a healthy baby, helped me to accept. I also thought of it as a form of adoption, I had always been open to adoption and realised it in theory amounts to the same thing except you get to experience pregnancy etc. I know everyone talks about you bonding with the baby and seeing it as your own however having never had a child before I couldn't count on that alone.
Like you, once the donor details came through I struggled. I did experience quite strong feelings of jealousy!! When my husband and I were discussing them it was really hard, he stupidly said about one "she sounds quite cute" at which point I stormed off! He did apologise for his stupidity and explained he was looking at it from a perspective of how the baby may look, but it was a hard time for me.
He has had children before and he told me categorically that once I hold that baby in my arms I would fall in love and the DE element would never be an issue. He also said if I was really struggling still we could use a double donor if that made me feel better, of course it wouldn't but it did finally convince me that it was all going to be okay.
Its a very hard thing to come to terms with but I hardly think about it now, we still haven't been successful yet but good luck with yours! x
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Hi. I felt exactly the same as you. As soon as the clinic sent me details of possible donors I just cried. I felt so sad that I couldn’t use my own eggs. But, I soon came to realise the donor we chose was our best hope of having a child. I’m now 11 weeks pregnant with DE and I haven’t once thought about the fact she/he is from DE. It’s our baby that I am growing and thats all that matters. Wishing you all the best in your journey.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
319 Posts
I’ve got two daughters via DE - I’m so happy to be their mummy and love them so much. Yet still feel pangs of sadness and despite being a mum the pain of infertility hasn’t disappeared. Xx
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Top