hi Bernie- my neice offerd to do the same for us only thing is she's my hubbys sisters daughter so too closely related for him to be able to fertilise eggs so we would have had to go in a pool of donors but top of list. If your niece is your side it shouldn't be a problem as long as you use a clinic that takes known donors.
wish you loads of success
I think clinics are not keen on donations between different generations in a family but will consider them. It is not not allowed (if you see what I mean) but is not looked upon as favourably as a sister or cousin or even a younger friend donating. Wishing you all the best.
I'm a 1965 baby too..xxxx
I'm on the waiting list for donor eggies...as Carol has said - some clinics will & others wont....
A consultant once said to me.....
Family members always want to help out - sincere ones at that - however,once they realise what is involved they offten let you down or the times not right for them... the family relationship often breaks down as they always feel obliged to that child regarless of the situation & occassionally it divides families... no two couples ever have the same views on everything, especially where a child is concerned. Even though at present you may have the same attitudes & feelings there is always 1 thing that you will eventually disagree on.
With this is mind & after a heart to heart with my cousin... we decided all round that it would be better to go for donor.
My heart goes out to you if & when you are in this predicament...
If you'd like to talk at all... i'm here..
When I read what Janey Bear’s consultant said about using a family member, something inside me flipped. Why did I reacted so angrily to such a sincere set of words?
What is my story, well part of it is that my eggs are no good and we went to the USA to find a donor. I went to an agency, and I asked, if I could meet my donor. The agency was delighted, as they find it so hard to persuade couples to go for known donation.. So maybe I reacted so angrily, because I used a known donor and I have to justify my position. Is that it?
Well let’s break things down?
>> Family members always want to help out - sincere ones at that - however,
>>once they realise what is involved they often let you down or the times not
>>right for them..
Once registered with an agency in the US, we started reading profiles. Over the following couple of months, we read an awful lot of profiles. I reckon, after reading all those profiles, backed up with the excellent advice we got from the agency, I could spot, who was committed to egg donation and who wasn’t.
There is some stupid idea in the UK, that we shouldn’t compensate women fairly for their time, while donating eggs, because the women may donate for the wrong reasons. There is more than enough evidence from the USA, that those who see it as a quick way of earning a bit of extra cash, get a tremendous shock when they find out what is involved and drop out. The press has twisted the definition of altruism to mean unpaid acts, but altruism is doing an unselfish act. A woman can’t do egg donation unless she is a deeply caring person, passionate about life. *All* egg donors are altruistic, ie they do an unselfish act, because it is such a huge commitment.
So be prepared for the fact that your niece may decide after all the tests, that she doesn’t want to do it. It will be too hard for her. Shrug you’re your shoulders, say that’s life and move on.
>> the family relationship often breaks down as they always feel obliged to that
>> child regardless of the situation & occasionally it divides families.
I lost touch with my clinic about 6 months after my twins were born. Any family breakdown is going to take a while to work it’s way through. How does the consultant know what happens to the parents, children, related donor, 5 or more years down the line? How many related donor/recipient transfers had Janey bear’s consultant done? A handful, 10, 50….
I was watching an Esther talk show, I will admit not the most authoritive of programmes. One woman became first became pregnant at 47. She used eggs from her niece. When a few years later she wanted a second child, she needed more eggs. She used the niece’s sister. Why? Because, her niece had had a terrible reaction to the drugs. Not because of any family breakdown.
An urban legend is any modern, fictional story, told as truth, that reaches a wide audience by being passed from person to person. Urban legends are often false, but not always.
And the idea, that when donor and recipient know each other, there are bound to be problems, just feels like an urban legend.
I have been reading BBs like this for a while and it seems that anonymous donation, is much easier for clinics in the UK. If you bring a known donor along, they have to go through hoops with the HFEA, which all takes time and costs them money. If you read the “Rich Pickings” thread over on the CARE bb, you would realise just how profitable, your infertility is!
I found it very difficult to find a clinic in the US, that would let me bring along my own known donor. It is partly because they lose out on the matching fee, but also because from a clinic’s point of view, known donation is emotionally messy. It requires them to do an more work. So they prefer anonymous donation and push their clients into that route.
Anonymous donation is just fine for the first few years. A small child doesn’t care where they came from, just that mummy and daddy are there. That they are secure and loved. It is only as they get older that a child wants to know where they came from. So any problems, a child has with their anonymous past, are not going to surface until that child is a teenager. The clinic is long out of the loop by then.
So, I felt it would be important for my adult child to know their past. So I chose a known donor. Known donation US style is donor picks restaurant, everyone goes out for the night, and recipient pays. And there are plenty of reasonable priced restaurants in the US. We spent a week with our donor, while she went through stimulation and egg collection.
Known donation hasn’t caused any major problems so far. But, who knows. And if it does cause me heartache, well, if I wanted a trouble free life, I should have stayed child free.
For all the above and probably more I can’t think of off the top of my head, I just wonder whether Janey Bear’s consultant believes that anonymous donation is better , because he has read a properly conducted scientific study, that shows it is better, if so, can the consultant give you the reference. But, if there is properly conducted scientific study, that shows anonymous donation is better, then why are people on the donor conception network,
so convinced known donation is the way of the future. Or is the consultant quoting stories picked up from colleagues about the evils of known donation.
What should you do? I don’t know, and one of the problems is that in the UK, there are *no* professional infertility services, to help you make the decision. The law does not allow it. I can’t think of any other area to do with kids that bans professionals.
In the USA my egg donor was forced to sit down with a counsellor. The counsellor had years of experience in this area, interviewed loads of donors, and counselled some couples about the implications of gamete donation.
They discussed things the donor’s feeling about donating eggs, how she felt about having her biological child out there, etc.. The counsellor got paid to asses whether the egg donor was serious and could write a damming report on the donor. If the counsellor did that, we would send her another donor to asses, so maybe it is in her interests to reject donors If a donor failed any of the tests, psychological, medical, etc. the agency just let us select another donor.
Is there any service as professional as this in the UK? I suspect not.
What kind of donor did I select? Well my first choice wanted to be a long distance auntie to any children created. I thought that was wonderful. Sadly, she had to drop out. But we have a contract with the second donor, that says she will be prepared to meet our children, when they are older.
But it is unlikely my kids will want to meet the donor, because we can tell them so much about her. We spent a week with her, we went out together, we had meals together, we were up at 6.0 am every morning to take her to the clinic, etc.. And from adoption, surrogacy, etc., the more open you are with your child, about you’re their origins, the less likely they are to seek out their past. I believe it is only 7% of adoptees seek out their biological parents, and only because their past was kept secret. Tell adoptees everything and they never go looking.
So good luck whatever you decide, and I hope you have the family of your dreams soon.