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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
HI Everyone!
Just wondering if any advice can be offered regarding my DH's and my decision to FINALLY tell DH's Dad that we are pursuing donor sperm IUI.  DH's Dad knows that DH has no sperm (azoospermia)....but has no idea that we have decided to go this route for treatment.  DH's mother and 2 siblings are aware of DIUI pursuits.  DH's mother feels DH's Dad will ultimately supportive....as she believes Dad has thought about concept of known donor sperm (DH's brother).  Of course, DH's Dad unaware that we approached DH's brother and he felt unable to go forth (we respected this completely!!)
Anyway, it isn't fair to leave DH's Dad out of the loop....especially if we are successful eventually!  We are just apprehensive about DH's Dad's response....he comes from an Italian/Catholic background.....just so you are aware
Please advise!!!
Take care, Gwendolyn
 

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Morning Gwendolyn,

My DH has had a Tese with no sperm found and we are now going to New York for treatment of Microdisection Tese in November.  Donor sperm is an option we are going to have to take as it is very likely there will be no sperm found in November.

It has been our personal choice to tell no-one.  My parents and two of our best friends know about azoospermia but we are not even going to tell them is donor is the route we take.

I cannot help you with making the decision to tell DH dad as only you and DH know deep down weather that is best or not as you know him all I can offer is a reason for us telling no-one.

My mum left me when I was 1 and my dad then re-married when I was 4.  Now even though I call his new wife Mam and she is the only mother I have ever known I have always felt as an outsider and the felling of not belonging is one of the worst in the world.

DH has said he would never treat our child in this way and I know he would not but I also know we can never control how other people behave and will have no control over our secret getting out if we tell anyone.

Hope this helps and you come to your decision soon.

I wish you all the luck and love in the world for the journey you are about to take.

Lol

Fin
 

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Like Fins DH I also had TESE, whilst I was lucky we debated donor sperm as this was a real issue.

We did also tell my parents, they were upset initially for the Azoospermia but they at least tried to be supportive.  Funny thing is my grandad knew we were having problems and honestly asked if the baby was fully ours and he seemed to have no problems.

Don't take it badly but I find it a little strange you asked your DH brother, i assume you have a very good relationship.  I would worry about the brother wanting more contact so I would prefer an unknown donor.

Regards
Andy
 

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Hi,

If it was me I woud tell DH's father, as it would appear he is the only one not aware and if he found out, I think that would hurt more than his reaction to your treatment choice.

My DH has also has a TESE and we were lucky that 3 sperm were found. Not sure if the sperm will make the thawing process so we have donor back up, which my Mum and Dad know about. However, whatever the outcome next week, we will say that DH's sperm was successful.

That is our way of dealing with things, although I appreciate every individual will deal with things differently.

If you do decide to tell, I hope it all goes well.

Natalie x x
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks to everyone who replied!!
It is not so much that we are deciding whether to tell FIL or not...e are....I just was exploring the "how's".
As of today, we still haven't told DH re: our decision to go forward with treatment using donor sperm.  As you said, Nathalie....we want to tell my FIL because I know that he would be hurt to discover that he is the only one out of my DH's immediate family who does not realize we are trying to conceive in this way.  I am sure he is wondering why we aren't doing anything ...when we so desperately want kids!  He figured we would jum onto adoption.  Plus, we do intend to raise our future child with honesty and want s/he to have a support system other than us.

We have not told FIL yet...because we began puregon injections to prepare for DIUI ...and I just felt that I could not manage much more else emotionally...especially not knowing how he might initially react.  Anyway, to make a LONG and EVENTFUL story short, our DIUI cycle was converted to DIVF on Jan 22nd (too many follicles growing in me...DIUI would have been cancelled)....retrieval occurred on 24th and implantation on 27th!
WISH US LUCK!!!!  We are trying to see all this transition as positive opportunity!!

Anyway, now that all THAT is a bit behind us (now on 2WW), we are more prepared to tell FIL about treatment this Sun. 30th.

Andy, I completely understand your opinion re: asking DH brother.  Been there!!! My DH and I initially did not embrace that idea....but as my DH struggled with the unknown re: biology and genes of donor sperm, it became clear that he needed to at least explore it.  DH and his younger brother are very close, indeed.  I have to admit to you....I really never felt in my heart that my brother-in-law would be able to agree.  He and his brother (my DH) are very sensitive and thoughtful people... and attachment can be powerful.  It turned out that my gut-feelung was right and my brother-in-law felt he would not be able to go through with it because he wouldn't be able to "let go" of a biological child.  The whole process only stregthened the process to go forward to a donor sperm.  In many ways, my BIL's "no" was the best thing that happened....it "freed" my DH to move on.  He now says that he recognized that he felt relief afterwards ...as did I!!

Anyway, thanks to all!!  Take care and BEST WISHES!!! Gwendolyn
 
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