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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
hi girls - i have a dd and following my 2nd bfn  i am now considering DE IVF abroad, but i am concerned that i will have a child who is not genetically related to me and may have one who is is not - and could this affect my bonding with the child, will i favour my natural dd, will i feel that the child is dh's and not mine  - at the moment, dh and i are having some problems as i feel he wasn't that supportive thru my last tx - and his attitude to tx is 'if its what you want'

i adore my dd and i no i desperatley want another child - but is that 'MY child' or 'A child' -i would hate to think that i loved one child more than another

is anyone else in this position or had these thoughts and worked them thru -
id appreciate any advice - no matter how honest
Caseyx

 

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Hi
Sorry I can't help with your questions.  I am hoping to have another go at least with my own eggs, I did get pg on #4 but mc'd at 12wks.  When I was pg we decided that would be it, we would be happy with the one as it was more than we thought we'd ever have.  Now after a couple more goes we are having to think about donor eggs.  I think we would still stick to our decision of if we have one child that will be it but obviously I don't know whether I would still feel like that after.  If it was DE we would then have the worry of having to have yet another donor and another set of genetics.  I don't know if anyone has been down this route, for sperm donors it is easier in that you can usually use the same donor but most egg donors are having tx themselves and you are not likely to get matched to the same person again.

We have looked at adoption as well but I am not sure I would be able to love a child as much as I love my niece and nephew unless it was mine in the sense I'd given birth to it.

Good luck, I would hope that after going through a pg and feeling that baby kick etc we would all love "our" child unconditionally but maybe that is looking at it through rose tinted glasses??

OT x
 

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Hi Casey

Obviously my situation isn't the same as yours, but I wonder if the natural anxiety that the majority of women feel when ttc a sibling is that it's hard to get your head around a second baby living up the the wonder of your first.  Will you love another as much?  Surely no other baby could be as amazing as your first born? etc. etc.  This is a really normal feeling, and one I most definitely had when ttc, and whilst pg with Ben.  Everyone tells you there will always be enough love to go around, and you won't favour one child over another, etc. but somehow it's not totally easy to believe 100%.  In fact, it is the case that everyone else is right, and once you have your second baby, you do love them with equal intensity and the feelings are the same. 

I wonder if what you are feeling is all the above that happens naturally, but this is then enhanced further by the lack of genetic link.  I wish I could help you with advice on that one, but with no experience of it, I'd feel inadequate in providing anything at all.  My gut feeling though is that you would love your second baby equally, and bond during pregnancy, get the hormone changes when the baby arrives, etc. regardless of genetics. 

Wishing you lots of luck.

Love

Jayne x
 

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Hi Casey,

just a quick note of support. My ds, now nearly 2, was born from donor iui, and my 17yr old step-son lives with dh and me. My DS-S calls me mum and we have a fantastic relationship. I cannot portray how well we get on, he was 7 when DH and I got together but we never had any trouble bonding (even though in beginning he did live with his mum). I have always called him "my baby" and even now I can't call DS that as it doesn't feel right (he is "my boy"!).

You will always have the advantage over me and DS-S in that your child will have grown in your womb, you will have nurtured your baby and you will always remember that first kick, scans etc.

Moving on from the babble what I am trying to say is it sounds like you really want another child and I wonder if you are just getting "bogged down" with everything (understandable). Focus and how much you want another child, how much love you have to give and what a fantastic thing it is to have another member of the family grow and develop with your love and support.

Very best of luck,
Mandao xx
 

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Casey,
I have not been back since over 1 year when my last IVF cylce failed.  We are now on a donor list in US.  We have a child from our first cycle (3 years). I can understand your concerns but can only believe that you (as I) will love them  completely.  My cousins that have all natural kids (no infertility prblms) say they had same concerns about baby #2.  regardless of where the eggs come from each child is unique and loveable.  I cannot wait to feel #2 inside me and them hold her in my arms.
The best of luck,
VJ
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
thanks everyone for replying - you're right and this may a natural reaction for anyone thinking of having a second child but Donor ivf is such a big step isn't it?
I have considered adoption and the same thoughts are playing on my mind,
but i guess youre also right that if im lucky enough to get pregant and give birth then bonding will feel completely natural.  anyway ive decided to give myself a break for a month or 2 before any more tx - i need to know im 100% sure that im doing the right thing for me and my family
thanks again Caseyxxx 
 
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