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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi ladies

I've had to send a rather blunt email to my best friend of over 24yrs after something she said when we were out on Saturday.  She has a friend of approx 7yrs, ante natal, who was fostered and whose sisters children have been adopted.  Back last year she mentioned the fact the adoptive parents had stopped all contact and her friend was really upset about this, at the time I just said these things get reviewed yearly but at the end of the day it is a decision the adopters make and should be in the childrens best interest - end of story, wasn't in a position to give a valid opinion as I had no facts and could only go by what we had been told during the process.

Anyway, we went for a meal Saturday and on the way there my friend blurts out ' X has said don't worry about BM wanting x back, X's sister tried everything and couldn't get hers back'.  I think at this point I should have said more but didn't want to spoil the evening so just said 'x is relinquished, its totally different to if the children are removed and have placing orders', she said something else and I just made a comment that we know the risks and law relating to our case and that her friend didn't know the facts.

All day yesterday this niggled at me and DH and in the end I had to send an email pointing out that the limited information I had told her was confidential and that we cannot afford for her to discuss our situation with people we don't know or anyone else.  She is one of these people that thinks she knows more about everything than anyone else but I never thought for one minute so would be so free with the information we had given her esp after staying it was confidential.  The reply I got basically said that X shared confidences with her and she trusts her completely - well thats great but its not her information to discuss!  I've now sent another email really trying to get the message across that adoption isn't the same as having birth children, that unless you go through it you don't understand why things are different, why we have to be careful about our identity and who hears what, the importance of x finding out information when he is ready from us and him deciding if he wants to tell people etc etc.

She says she understands and won't mention or refer to him again with anyone other than us but, after all these years as a trusted friend, I don't feel able to trust her again.  :-[ I feel we will be limited to the time we can share doing family things because if she includes her other friend I will always be on edge not really knowing what she has been told.  I feel we have been a topic of conversation because its not the 'normal' way of having a family and its made me wonder what she has told people over the years about our IF tx.

Love
OT x
 

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So sorry to hear this has happened, the thought of other people discussing your business is awful (my mother in law announced to a load of people I had never met that I was on meds for fertility treatment-could have killed her!!).

I think you were right to email her and tell her how you feel about what she did, to me it's a huge breach of trust/friendship.

Sometimes when lives change (as yours is) then so do friendships, it's a real shame this happens, I am sure you can still be friends but maybe different 'type' of friends!!

Good luck with everything and (((((hugs))))) from me

Rachel xx
 

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Hi

I am sorry you have had to experience this. As Rachelbee rightly says sometimes friends you had change and are not as close as you once thought they were.

Sending you (((HUGS)))).

Nefe
xxx
 

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Your so right to tell your friend that you told her things in confidence and you'd wish for it to remain that way.

You quietly rightly pointed out that having your own birth children compared to your children (who are adopted) is different, it shouldn't be BUT it is for many many reasons.

I wouldn't worry about your friend if she is a true friend she'll totally understand & will keep what you have told her confidential!

Love
Andrea
xx

 

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my mil felt the need to tell her hairdresser our ds is adopted  :eek: ^bigbad^ but as we knew she couldn't keep her mouth shut (and neither can a lot of people in the family) we haven't told ANYONE the full facts about our ds' life before he came to us, the way we look at it is that it's our ds' business and he will be able to decide who to share and not to share any of his past info with  ;)

pam xx

p.s meant to add that it is sad when you can't trust the people who you love the most, it really winds me up when friends and family feel the need to blurt out at barbeques that our ds is adopted
 

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hi,

So sorry to hear you are going through this with such a close friend.  I haven't had to dea with that but I have had words with people in the past about 'badly worded' comments about our DDs past like 'she is so lucky to have you'.

We have taken a slightly different route to others on here regarding sharing adoption in that we really don't mind who knows (we have a lot of family memebers through adoption so it it something we are very open about) and who our friends/family tells BUT....and I say this out loud .... the circumstances surrounding DDs past and future are private (people only know she moved to foster family from hospital and then to us - no details re where she was from or circumstances surrounding protection order) and DD herself will tell people that she lived with another family when she was a baby. If there was any concern at all about her safety or anything then we would be more circumspect than a circumspect thing.

When DD moved in the nieghbours knew within the month (quiet cul de sal of 40 houses - a new toddler to a woman who didn't look pregnant is pretty obvious); our church all knew as they had been praying for us and celebrated with us when DD came to church the first time; our family were delighted and shared their joy with others as they would with a birth child.  We have asked not to have birthday announcements etc or christening announcements in papers/church newsletters just in case (full name plus dob is too much detail as far as I am concerned) but otherwise people just accept her as our child and,although they know she is adopted, haven't asked for details.

Magenta xx
 

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Magenta we are the same as you, i don't mind who knows ds is adopted but i just don't feel it's neccesary to tell any one and everyone, (just read this back and i'm not suggesting you do)  ;) we are still in very regular contact with the foster carers (we see them almost on a monthly basis) so ds will grow up knowing about his past and adoption  ;) some members of my family are such gossips and would spread any thing told to anyone who would listen  ^bigbad^

i had to laugh when i read about your neighbours as my whole street knew within a few days of us bringing ds home  ;D the couple across the road had hardly said 2 words to us in the 2 years they had lived there but the nosey parkers adked dh straight out where the baby had come from  ;D ;D ;D

pam xx
 

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We also live in a cul de sac and although we are in the very early stages of the HS the thought of bringing a little one home and then chinese whispers down the whole street has crossed my mind.
xx
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Hi ladies

Thanks for letting me rant about my 'friend'.  TBH, we haven't given her much info at all, the only person we have shared most of the facts with is my Mum so we have 1 person we can talk openly to and get support from.  Like Pam says, we are open about the adoption and telling Littlie but we aren't going to label him as an adopted child and introduce him as such to all and sundry. 

I think the biggest part of all this for me is finding out that she felt she had the right to discuss our private lives with someone I've never met.  I don't talk about her family to people and I don't expect her to go talking about me and mine, especially when she had been told by our SW when she did her reference how important it was for any information to be kept confidential.

As for neighbours - well we haven't said anything....we have a number of OAPs in our cul-de-sac so they will see the comings and goings and it won't take long for people to realise there is a child living here but we will deal with questions as they arise and give nothing away in our answers.  Did think about sticking a pillow up my top but for a 2yr old to pop out it would need to be a big pillow!! :)

Thanks again
Love
OT x
 

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Hi OT

You made me laugh about the comment over a pillow up your jumper..................I would have needed a king sized quilt to stick up my jumper for before DS arrived, he was nearly 4!!

I think everyone is open about adoption, its the best way to be BUT I think the fact most of us is saying and agreeing with you is about how much info you give and to whom, who you can trust and someone like your Mum who you can have as another person to talk to about adoption and the full facts involved in it all.

My Mum still does not know all the "full" facts about our DS who has been with us now for 11 years & DD who has been with us for nearly 7 years.  Its not that I don't trust her but like so many have said I feel certain things other people do not have to know about.

Saphy as for your MIL telling everyone about your DS being adopted, my Mum is the same, I use to get cross, especially as she told an old boyfriend once that I was now married and had adopted our DS.  Why couldn't she just have said I was now married and had a 4 year old son, it would have been so much easier & when I asked her the same question she just said "I'm so proud of what you've done and brought another grandchild into my life!" (I've done nothing to be proud of............adoption is wonderful and yes we gave her another grandchild BUT thats just the way our beautiful family was formed!)

Love
Andrea
x   
 
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