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A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Spike Milligan

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Spike Milligan
are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
Spike Milligan

Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions.
Spike Milligan

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.
Spike Milligan

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Spike Milligan

I can speak Esperanto like a native.
Spike Milligan

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Spike Milligan

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.
Spike Milligan

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
Spike Milligan

I'm a hero with coward's legs.
Spike Milligan

I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Spike Milligan

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
Spike Milligan

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
Spike Milligan

It's all in the mind, you know.
Spike Milligan

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan

Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan

And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it.
Spike Milligan

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

“Listen, someone's screaming in agony - fortunately I speak it fluently
Spike Milligan

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard
Spike Milligan

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it's meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in
Spike Milligan


Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen
Spike Milligan

Just when I had made my today secure with safe yesterdays I see tomorrow coming with it's pale glass star called hope It shatters on impact And falls like splinters on cruel rain And I see the red oil of life running from my wrists onto tomorrows hea
Spike Milligan

His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.
Spike Milligan

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
Spike Milligan

Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.
Spike Milligan

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.
Spike Milligan

I told them I was ill
Spike Milligan
 

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^roflmao^ ^roflmao^ ^roflmao^

Thanks Carole - Brilliant
 
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