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I am having a really bad time.

We found out once and for all on Dec 3rd that there was no chance of us ever having a genetic baby of the two of us (repeat biopsy negative). Our only option left is donor IVF, which he vehemently disagrees with for reasons I don't understand.

We tried counselling. In the end I went to a session alone mid April, when she told me to leave him within 2 weeks. I haven't. I am too scared, too tied in, don't know where to go, what to do, or how to protect my interests. Deep down want him to support me and have a happy family together - maybe not how we imagined it would be exactly, but to create our family nevertheless.

All my friends have had babies and I am the one left out. Wednesday, I went to see my friend who has an 18month old and she told me she's expecting again.

Yesterday, I came home and he announced that he has told his parents that we are separating and that he needs to walk away from me 'banging on about this baby and not listening to him about his thoughts on donation'.

Who is listening to me and my needs? He has twisted it all back on me that I am the evil ***** for wanting my baby and making him feel inadequate. I am such a kind and loving person. I look after sick people, family and my animals all day long and all I want to do is love my baby and my family. I have supported him through thick and thin, all the way through his traumas with his son's access and what ever he has done to me and thrown at me (believe me there is a lot of water under that bridge). I have never done anything nasty to him, ever, except asked for my baby, if you call that nasty.

We had such a confusing evening, ending with me holding him while he cried and I cried. After saying we were separated earlier he did not want me to go to another room, and wanted a hug.

I am so depressed. I call myself hopeful - but I am not very hopeful now. Maybe getting out of this relationship will be best. I did not want it to come to this. Am I so wrong for wanting to create a family, even if the only option left is to use a donor?

He is making me out to be the wicked witch of the west, and of course his parents don't agree either - but they have never been supportive of us through this journey. I am told to get on with it, and that in the 1950s I would have had to get on with it, and to go breed pedigree cats to satisfy my maternal instincts. I was also told that I am too old (I'm still 36) to have a baby, and that my 2 days a fortnight step son (that I have been told to keep my nose out of bringing up on more than one occasion) means I am lucky.

What a mess. Why does it have to be so hard?
 

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Oh bless you ... sorry no words of wisdom from me but i can supply you with lots of these ...  ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ oh and these .... ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^

daisy xxxx
 

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Hi Hazel,

I am so sorry that everything is so bleak right now.

The first thing that struck me about your post was what the H*ll does this counsellor mean by giving you an ultimatum like "leave him within 2 weeks"? I really thought counsellors were supposed to help you find your own way, not freak you out with "advice" that takes no account of how you are feeling or the practicalities of how you might do it! You ask "who is listening to me and my needs?" Well maybe DH is too tied up in himself to do that, but i am not sure the counsellor is listening either?

I am not a counsellor, but reading what you wrote, it sounds as though neither you or DH is ready to make a decision about seperaing. You may have both thought of it, but it does not sound like either really wants to make a break just now?

I am not saying you should stick with him if he is treeating you very badly. And i am not saying he should stay with you if it does not feel right. Maybe you do need to seperate, but to feel that this is the right decision there may be some things you both need to consider?

I wonder about why he told his parents that he was leaving you before he told you that? And then he cried and did not want  you go to another room! You say they have never been supportive of your journey together. Has he learnt to be independant of them and to have an adult relationship with you? He has obviously had at least one other important relationship - important at least to have had a son he is still in touch with - what really went on there? Was he able to make an adult commitment?

I wonder if you may need to answer such questions together before you can really discuss and understand one anothers' position about doner IVF and why he accuses you of making him feel inadequae about this. Even doner IVF can fail so you need to know you want to be together, and can have a good relationship anyway.

Oh Hazel, no-one here thinks you are bad to want a baby!

I reallly hope you can find a way forward. You will get a lot of support here while you work this out.

Love, Jq xxxx
 

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Hi there Hazel

I'm so very sorry for the difficulties you are currently enduring. 

I nearly blew a head gasket when I read your first paragraph and think you need to find yourself another counsellor.  "Leave him within two weeks"? I'm with JQ on that so called piece of "advice".

Realistically I guess if one of you wants to go down a road that the other is vehemently opposed to, that's probably an irreconcilable difference. Do you think this really is an irreconcilable difference of opinion?  If he holds his position (for whatever reason, right or wrong) can you live with it and move forward?

Whilst you're both crying and willing to hug/be hugged I can't help but think there is hope for your relationship if you both want it. Like JQ I wonder if there are other issues that need to be addressed before trying to come to a mutually acceptable position re donor IVF.

I really hope that you can work this out between you and, for what it's worth, I don't think either of you are evil or bad people. You're just struggling to find your own way out of the mire that is IF and it's a mire that very few people understand.

flipper
 

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Hi Hazel

I can't add much to whats already been said apart from sack the counsellor....!

I feel for you, you sound so alone in all of this and I am really sorry that things have come to a head between you and your partner. It seems like you have taken on so much for this man yet your needs have been forgotten about, thats not very fair to be honest!

Re your stepson... if you are spending regular time with him then it is up to you to offer input into how things are done, whether your partner likes it or not, you are both supposed to be a united front.

Sending you much love and tons of  ^hugme^ keep in touch hon
Emcee x
 

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Hi Hazel

Just wanted to add my support too.  The IF journey puts a tremendous strain on relationships and many don't survive.  It's because you are both hurting in different ways that causes the problem.  If it is of any comfort to you and the turmoil you are currently in, my DH and I had similar problems but we are coming through it. 

I think maybe you need to take each day as it comes.  Don't try and plan too far ahead and try not to panic.  Take things gently.  Try to be kind to each other and to yourself.  Try to talk calmly to each other and don't expect your partner to be able to help with all of your grief and anger.  In my experience, men can only help a little! Because their reaction is generally to try and 'fix' a problem rather than just provide comfort.  And they can become incredibly frustrated when the problem is something they can't fix.  They tend to just get angry and tell you to just 'stop being so silly'.  It's because they love you and they see you hurting but they aren't able to 'fix' it for you so the reaction is sheer frustration and a sense of inadequacy.  So make sure you take lots of solice in your girlfriends who, believe me, are far better equipped to provide emotional support.  (Mine have been absolutely amazing and I owe them a huge debt of gratitude).

Also, try to laugh through the tears and anguish as much as you can, it really does help and reminds you that no matter what seemingly insurmountable problems you are facing today life is still good and tomorrow is another day.  You may not believe it now but you may look back upon this time in a few years time when things have worked their ways out and realise that it was all 'meant to be'.  Fate is a funny thing.  We don't know what will happen tomorrow but please take heart that things do seem to always work they way out for the best in the end somehow.

It does sound though as if you have a choice to make, as I did, whether your partner or a baby is your priority?  Once you have decided in yourself which it is then you can make your own personal decisions based upon that.  How do you think you would feel if you had a baby but didn't have your partner?  How do you think you would feel if you never had a baby and lost your partner too?  How would you feel if you gave up all your chances to have a child now to save your relationship?  These are tough questions and I am sure there are more.  But one's that perhaps you need to ask yourself.  The answers won't be clear and they'll probably change daily!  Which is why it is important to take it one day at a time.

Finally, please do try and find sometime to take 'time out' from your problems together ie put them aside for a few hours and/or days and just go and have a bit of fun together doing something nice and then see how you feel about each other.  One thing is for sure, if you make it through this together, the relationship will be deeper and stronger.

Hope this is a help hun and doesn't sound too much like a lecture!  But it's kind of what I did and we're surviving and things are getting better.

Big hugs.   ^hugme^

Luv
G x 
 
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