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Hi, just to let you know I had another negative today.

Both DH & I are devastated, feel so much pain and grief.  This was our 4th & final cycle.

After 3 misc and 3 eps, 4 cycles I feel totally drained of it all now and in need of some time out and rest, try and enjoy life for a change instead of feeling so bloody miserable and out of control with it all.

I often wonder what I have done in life to deserve so much pain, after a nasty childhood, I honestly believe that someone has set a curse on me.

I have my wonderful DH, he's been my rock, but he needs support to and he has no-one to turn to but me.  No-one understands how he feels, it's hard for him.  I often feel as tho I have let him down.  But he knows how hard I/we have tried to get our baby.

I'm extremely blessed to have a DS from previous marriage, I know how lucky I am.  DH loves him as his own but we both know the icing on the cake would be his own child.(he has none of his own, but the yearning is just as strong to have another child, people wrongly believe because you aleady have one, that it doesn't matter, but it does and all the pain and heartbreak we have gone through proves how much we desperately wanted one.  (hope not to offend anyone on this point).  Some people also believe that because our angels were never born, that they did not exist in the first place.

I have lost quite a few friends over the years due to my circumstance - been too much for them to handle, but it has shown who my true friends are.

I'm extremely thankful to you all for your support throughout all this.

I'm going to my GPs to get a referral to my consultant on the NHS to see what and if there was anything we can do and for immunology & Rhesus factor bloods to be done.  I refuse to have to pay to see my consultant to discuss failure and then have to pay for bloods investigations on top of it all.......if they could they would bleed you dry.

Hope you all find your dreams.

Nx
 

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Nicola

Thinking of you and sending you a big  ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^ ^Cuddle^

Stay Strong

Love Shaz xxx    ^Heart^
 

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hi hunny i just wanted to send you a  ^Cuddle^im so sorry for the way everything has turned out for you and your dh . i know that there arent many words to ease how you are feeling but nothing you have done has any thing to do with with all that has happenened i think that ive felt like that so many times myself and believed for a long time i must have done something wrong somewhen i know the pain of mcs a nd the loss you have felt . i myself lost a baby boy at 5mths into my pg and felt i must have done something for this to happen to us .  defaintly get your gp to do blood test etc i really wish you all the best and your dh for now and with whatever happens for you in the furture hang in there hunny love paula
 

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Nicola & dh
I think we all feel cursed sometimes I often say I must have been a terrible person in my previous life to have been dealt this life
When people tell you to be thankful for what you have got, you know that you should, but it does not help to close the door on something like having a baby, the one thing we women are supposed to be able to do, the one thing we feel we are put on earth to do, or in your case provide a sibling to complete your family unit.
I have not come to the end of my path yet and I cannot imagine having to find the strength and courage to accept that it will never happen.
I hope that you all find a way forward and in turn find new hopes and dreams.
^fairydust^
Best wishes to you all and good luck
Dydie xx
 

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Hi Nicola,
I totally understand what you said about already having a child not making a difference to your pain. I have a little girl, but am so desperate for another baby. I cant stand it when people throw things at you like "well you have done it once so you can do it again" My horrid mother in law even decided my hubby must be "firing blanks!" ( to which she laughed at, COW!)
  We are awaiting test results to see if there are any problems or if we have just been unlucky! My cycle is all over the place at the moment, as we speak I am on day 33, but have already tested and got BFN! Never mind, hopefully the docs will have some good news for us this week.
Take care,
Claire, :)x.
 
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