[Mochashosh]

Hello everyone

I've been on the forum before, but not for a long time.

I have reconciled myself extremely reluctantly to the fact that it's donor eggs or nothing for me, and I'm not ready to accept nothing yet.

I understand that it's a legal requirement to have a counselling session before proceding to DE.  I won't bore you with my opinions on counselling in general, because the air would turn blue, but if this is a hoop to jump through it's best just to get it over with and tick the boxes.

My clinic has quoted me £144 for one counselling session.  I can't believe that this is the price!  It seems like extortion to me just to fill in a form and I'm really quite disgusted.  I know it's a drop in the ocean compared to what the cost of DE will be, but I am so angry about it.  I am absolutely prepared to pay to get value, but not to tick boxes.

Can anyone suggest where I can get the required counselling for a more reasonable price?  Our clinic is in London but obviously lockdown means that geography is no longer a barrier.  In fact, I'm currently living in the Scottish Highlands!

 

[StrawberrySundae]

If you cycle abroad you don't need counselling sessions. I'm not sure if all UK clinics require this, but in the past some provided this for free (eg CARE), so worth double-checking.

 

[Mochashosh]

That's interesting, because we're planning to go to Spain for the actual egg, but it's being arranged through the clinic here.  So I'm not sure what the postition is.  Of course I won't go near it if I don't have to. Where can I learn more about this?

 

[K jade]

Hey,

No that's not right at all.

Yes counselling is mandatory if using DE or DS in the uk but it should be provided free of charge .

However you are going to Spain , so counselling is not mandatory.

It sounds like your using a UK clinic to act as a middle man and 'liase' with your Spanish clinic. Charging a few thousand just to do a couple of scans for you.
And chucking on a counselling session which if they are insisting on should be free.

Cut them out and go straight to your spanish clinic. Most European clinics have English speaking coordinators so UK middle man not necessary .

 

[Mochashosh]

Thank you K jade

Yes, I am feeling really ripped off at the moment.  The UK consultant is the best we've had so far, but the clinic really does seem to rip us off at every turn.  We've already paid over £1000 in scans and bloods (only very basic ones) and of course the consultant's fees are high.

I could go directly to Spain, but I only know the name of the Dr there, not the name of the clinic.

It has been so, so hard for me to open this up again.  I am really, really unhappy with the idea of a donor child and have only accepted it with the very greatest reluctance, and now I feel like I'm being fleeced as well. 

I don't want to get all emotional about this, because everything has to be on a purely objective footing, but I don't like being exploited.

 

[K jade]

Can you not ask your uk clinic the name of the spanish clinic that they are sending you .I would of thought your uk clinic would have told you what clinic in spain they are linked with. If they are being sketchy about this thats concerning.

Either way pretty much all Spanish clinics take patients directly and dont require you to have a uk clinic middle man.

 

[Mochashosh]

Do yoy have a link to any documentation to show that you don't need implication counselling to cycle abroad?  Otherwise it's just my word against theirs.

It's a horrid situation to be in.  We've been through a few fertility consultants (that sounds like we're clinic hopping, but we're not; just been doing this for so many years), and we like this one much the best; he seems very straightforward and trustworthy, but who really knows?  It's slightly worrying that I can't find any reference to the Spanish doctor on a Google search.  I only know his name and that he works in Barcelona.  I'm not particularly wedded to that specific clinic, but because we have faith in the consultant, we trust his recommendation. 

Part of me wants to jump ship and go it alone, but part of me knows that you can't run away every time something is not to your liking.  Besides, I will be 48 next week, so time is running out.

 

[K jade]

Hmmm. I'm wandering if because your DE treatment is being facilitated in the uk , then perhaps it's a case that the Hfea HFEA mandatory counselling session still applies.
This possibly is the case here I think.

As I said if you were to go straight to a spanish clinic as many do then you wouldn't be required to have the mandatory counselling session.

It's up to you whether u want to continue with this UK clinic and allow  them to arrange your DE treatment, or approach a spanish clinic directly.
The latter way would be cheaper and not require you to have the counselling session.

I would expect the UK consultant to be upfront about the clinic in spain hes sending you to. If not that would be a red flag for me.

 

[Lola2021]

Could you not try googling the doctors name? The clinic name should come up then?
We went direct to a Spanish clinic for DE and we just used our local fertility clinic for scans. No counselling is required in Spain.
Best of luck ❤

 

[Mochashosh]

Lola, I tried exactly that but couldn't find him.

It may be that if I search the Lodon clinic's website I will find the name of the clinic in Spain.

I've also done some due dilligence on my London consultant, which, to be fair, I did over a year ago when we first found him.  He has published extensively and is widely regarded as a leading expert in the field, so I do think he's who he says he is.  Not that he bigs himself up at all.  One thing we liked about him is that he is very unassuming.

K Jade thank you; I'm half inclined to go directly to Spain.  Obviously I'm not going anywhere just yet, but when travel restrictions ease I want to have all my ducks in line to be able to hop on a plane.

Thank you to everyone who has been so helpful. I'd forgotten how good it is to be among friends.

 

[Rio2016]

I'm the mother of two donor conceived daughters - one is two and one due in the summer. I love them with all my heart. Yes, it's not what I dreamt of as a child or growing up but i'm very lucky to have them.

If your statement "I am really, really unhappy with the idea of a donor child and have only accepted it with the very greatest reluctance" is how you currently feel - I think it's worth either talking to the donor conception network, a counsellor or more people on this forum. I read it and my blood went cold! Sorry if my honesty is upsetting!

It's a massive deal going through treatment, getting pregnant and raising a child and if you're still feeling so negatively then i'd be worried you'll need support at a later date. Once you've been puking, or your child has kept you up all night, when they're having a tantrum etc...

Please don't try and avoid talking through these issues now - it could cost you a lot more in the future if you don't consider these feelings now. there is a reason why the UK recommends everyone has counselling.

 

[Mochashosh]

Rio thank you for your honesty.  I really appreciate it and I couldn't be more delighted for you about your daughters.  I love hearing about happy endings.  I hope and pray that one day I will be writing something similarly inspiring for someone else who needs to hear it.

I have been through the IVF process for many years and overcome many hurdles, so this isn't something I'm jumping into at all.  If I did ever want to talk to someone, a counsellor is the very last person on earth that I would choose.  That's why this forum is so amazing; you can get perspectives from wonderful ladies who have so much wisdom and experience.

I can only hope that I will one day be blessed to find out what kind of parent I'll be.  I don't think anyone is ever really prepared, though.

 

[K jade]

Completely agree with Rios excellent advice .
Its important to be comfortable with your decision.  Otherwise. Whether u tell or not. This will be conveyed to your child.

Can I also recommend Paths to Parent Hub as well as DCN.

link is :  definingmum.com

 

[Mochashosh]

K Jade this is a beautiful site.  Thank you. 

 

[Oli03]

The counsellors are always independent from the clinics.
You can find one directly and have your counselling if needed. The charges are around £60-£80 per session. I think your UK clinic is adding their fees on top of the counsellor charges.