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After 3 failed ivf transfers I'm not stranger to dissapointment, but this time I've fallen from a great height (10 days late and a BFN) and it hurts so very very much. I put on a brave face with other people (Iv'e amazed myself at my acting skills!), but when  i'm alone (which is most of the day) I'm somebody I dont know. Tears burn my eyes from the minute I wake up to when my DH comes back and I just cant find the strength to get back up or fill this huge emptyness I feel.
I hope by writing this somebody will answer me, you've helped me once before, can someone help me now?
 

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Rosey

I know it seems impossible now but it will get better take care of yourself  ^Cuddle^ just tell yourself I will be a mummy thats what keeps me going

Sharon x
 

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Rosey hun ^hugme^ it is so hard, I understand exactly what you are saying and I know I cannot take your pain away but  please know that we are all here for you hun.  When I have felt this low I have got into some terrible states but in the end I have come out stronger.  Past posts on here of mine will confirm that bad way I have been in at times but I come back fighting everytime.  Its taken a lot of tears,  a lot of rows with my DH but it does get better in time and we live to fight another day so to speak.

Try and look after yourself sweetie, hard I know when you feel absolutely awful but you are a special person, your time, my time ALL our times will come hun I am sure of it.  ^hugme^
 

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I always think you have to grieve until you can heal, I know grieve may seem the wrong word for you but I find I have to have a good cry if I am down, there isn't any point in holding things in because that makes them hurt more I feel.

Right now things are bad for you but please know that things do get better.

Its exhausting mentally and physically ttc and go knows I wish we could all fall pregnant easily but we are strong women here and what keeps me going is the thought that one day I will have my baby and this hard and long journey will just make it all that more special.

I don't mean to make you cry sweetie but please do not feel you have to go through this alone ok, we are all here for you - one day I am sure you'll help me too. ^hugme^
 

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rosey, i can't really add much to what Nikki and sharon have said but wanted to send you a big  ^Cuddle^ and let you know you are not alone hun OUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE on way or another  ^reiki^

pam xx
 

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Hey Rosey

I just had to send you a message to let you know that you are far from alone.  We are all here for you and we will get through this together ^Cuddle^

The pain gets more bearable as the time goes on and your strength will build itself back up again.  Don't let yourself be beaten or give up on your dream.  ^reiki^

Loads Of Love and Hugs
Lisa
xxx
 

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Dear Rosey

I am in the same state as you 2 failed ICSIs.  Sitting at home all by myself and crying. I cried so much that my chest hurts and can't cry no more.
It will be our turn soon.

Love
Selina
 

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Hi Rosey

Huge huge hugs sweetheart  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^

Remember, you are NEVER alone here. There will always be someone to give you support and a hug  ^hugme^

Take care

Lots of love, Rachel xxx
 

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Selina, here's a big  ^Cuddle^ for you too hun. time is a great healer you are strong because i think anyone who goes through ivf/icsi must be a strong person otherwise we would never get through at all  ;)

pam xx
 

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Dear Rosey and Selina

I think the girls have given you great advice and support today - and am so pleased it has helped you Rosey and hope it has helped you too Selina.

All I wanted to add was that each ounce of that pain will become worth it when your dreams come true.  I now class myself as one of the lucky ones ... my miracle was born last December after a long and hard fight.  I'll never ever forget the pain that went alongside that fight but every ounce was worth it when my dream came true.

Cuddle yourselves and cuddle your partners ... take comfort from each other.  For me the most important thing to was never to stop remembering the reasons why you love each other and to never stop believing that together you can make your dreams come true.

Keep fighting girls ... I wish you heaps of love and luck
Dee
xxx
 

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Dear Rosey, Pam and Dee thanks for all your messages.

Love
Selina
 

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Hi Rosey and Selina,

I'm so sad to read the hurt the two of you are feeling right now, as I do really understand how painful the emotions are with failed treament.

I've been in the similar shoes to the two of you on many occassion and although I am now extremely lucky and have my dream boy fast asleep as I type, who was born in November 2003, the pain of the five ICSI cycles, with negative endings or no fertilisation is engrained deep in me.  The pain is numbed now though as I never gave up hope and always believed (though struggled too!) that I was destined to be a mummy, so each time I picked myself up and dusted myself down and on I went.

The way I've just written that makes it sound so easy, that couldn't be further from the truth.  On I went with a 'face', pretending I was strong, pretending I was coping, when inside I was crumbling, but crumbling or not, I had no choice, I had to carry on, I wanted my baby too badly.

So girls, please hang in there.  You will deal with each cycle very differently.  You wont know how you are going to cope, until you have to. 

I handled my first two failed cylces on my own - they were before this site existed.  After my second cycle, I felt so low, the pain was enormous and it scared me.  I panicked - although I knew I had to keep going if I was to get my baby, what if I had another failed cycle?  So at this point I decided to build myself a safety net - I seeked counselling at my Clinic, I wanted to establish a good relationship with the Counsellor, so that if I was ever to experience another failed cycle, I would feel comfortable going to see her, coz i expected by that time, I would barely be able to drag myself out of bed.

However, towards the last few days of the 2ww of my 3rd cycle, I found this site and when my cycle failed, I didn't go to see the Counsellor, my friends on here pulled me through, but what I actually did was throw myself into helping others on here, not giving myself the time to dwell on the hurt I was feeling.

I'll not go into more details on how I dealt with the next couple of cycles - but by the end of the fifth, I was lower than I thought ever existed and for the first time in my plight, I had to have a break, recover, pick ourselves up, be ourselves, go on holiday. whereas, up until then as soon as our Clinic would allow us to do another cycle - we were there.  But this last time, our cycle ended miserably in July 2002.  So we decided not to even think about things again until the new year of 2003.

During my break, I had lots of Reflexology, took loads of vits, etc... all the things you do when you are so desperate to say you gave it your all.  Anyway, January 2003 came and I started my sixth cycle - I was so laid back, I shocked myself.  By now knowing so much of what to expect, what could go wrong, the dread pee-sticks etc... I didn't think I'd ever be able to do an ICSI cycle, taking each step in my stride (there were a few hic-cups, where big strides were required), but I did and to my total disbelief it worked!

But the hurt is still with me, but it's eased by me now having been one of the lucky ones.

Please take time to allow yourselves to come to turns with what you so hoped could have been.  You have already had some lovely advice that I'll say 'ditto' to.  I hope that my experience may give you some encouragement and hope that I haven't added to your hurt, I'd hate to think I could do that to anyone.

Wishing you both every success for when you have the strength to move on with your next cycle.

Love,

Sue xxx
 

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Hi Selina

I'm so sorry my thoughts are for you and your DH  ^hugme^

Take care

Load of love and hugs  ^Cuddle^
Liz
 
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