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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
DH thinks I'm being a little OTT about this, what do you think. 
I have a dd age 4.5 years and used to see my antenatal group at least once a week.  We have been having difficulty in ttc No. 2 since September 2002.  During that time, I would always say to me antenatal group "oh we are trying but not having much luck".  As time moved on and after 18 months ttc we were referred to a gynarcologist and had Clomid/Clomid-Metformin/ the usual scans/blood tests/ ovarian drilling etc etc etc.  I always told my antenatal group about these with comments like "I won't see you next week because...." or "when I was at the hopsital the other day" all in the vain hope that one of them might ask me "well, how is it going?"  Not one of them has ever asked me how its goinjg, even though I've left the door wide open welcoming any of them to show the slightest bit of interest in how I were getting on.  They now all know I've had IVF and never once phoned to see how it went.  They all now know I've lost the embies at 6 weeks and not one of them has even picked up the phone to see how I am.  With the result that I just don't see them anymore.  DH reckons its a sensitive topic and I'm judging them too harshly.  OK  I know its a sensitive topic, but I've given them every chance to ask me about it and would be only too happy to share my experience with any of them.  Sorry for the rant and wondered what anyone else thinks!!!!!!!!! :-\ :-\

Shamrock63
 

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Hello Shamrock,

I just wanted to send you a big  ^Cuddle^ and say I'm thinking of you.  I'm sorry your friends haven't been there for you when you needed the support most.  I hope things improve for you, and also wish you lots of luck and  ^reiki^  for a ^BFP^

Take Care,

Jay
 

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Good on your Grandma Molly  ;D

IF is a difficult topic and what you also have to think about is that your "friends" and family really do not understand what you are going thru and sometimes its very hard for them to know what to do for the best.  Do they ask and risk upsetting you or not say anything and also therefore upset you by you then thinking that they are not interested in you.

I have been very open and outright with my friends about things and have said to them  i dont mind talking about it (as personally it helps), however my brother the other day said to me "oh it will happen, in time, you just need to relax"  i felt like screaming "you try and relax with a catheter shoved down your bits!!!"

People are insensitive without meaning to be sometimes - i think something we have all been guilty of one time or another - mainly thru ignorance of the subject.

If you value their friendship i would talk to them and tell them how you feel, if not, sod the lot of them, some new ones will come along who will understand and appreciate you.  Good luck for your treatment.  xx
 

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Hi Ladies
Infertility always comes across to me as similar to bereavement or cancer, Now don't get me wrong I am not camparing any of them, but the words themselves cause us to become mute  :-X we just don't know what to say to people when they say someone has died or someone has cancer, you kind of recoil and then mutter something utterly useless because you just don't know how to approach this kind of emotion.
Unless you are directly effected many people are just at a loss for words, we have all been on the recieving end of silly comments from friends and family like "just relax" these comments are similar to those that people say when someone dies, oh well at least he/she is not suffering any longer.
these are all inadequate responses to difficult situations, I am sure none of our friends and family mean to upset us, I am sure they have a million questions they would like to ask, they are just worried that maybe they will upset you.

perhaps we should all try not to be too harsh or judgemental when people say the wrong things or indeed when they ignore the situation, I know I am always lost for words when someone informs me that a loved one of theirs has died, even though I can understand their pain the words to express how sorry I am just aren't there  :-[

It would be nice to have really heartfelt meaningful chats with our freinds and to know that they care, but if that just isn't happening then at least we have each other here on ff to spill our heart and souls to.

Lots of love to you all
Dydie xxxx
 

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Hi.  If you really are so open with them perhaps they're uncomfortable with the subject?  True friends would be there for you totally so maybe it's time to find some new ones.

It's odd that they haven't called you at all if you have been giving them every opportunity to keep up with what's going on with your treatment.  Are you sure they've got the right impression ie. that you need to talk about it and need the support?

If you want to save the friendships, why don't you be blunt and tell them that you really need them?

Lastly, you've got us and I hope that's going to be a great help.

Good Luck. x
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for all your replies ladies.  I'm not asking them to sit through a long session of the pain of me in ttc'ing and I know so well how emotive a topic it is.  I'm just asking for them to give me the time of day, as you would with any friend is saying "how is it going" or "good luck at the clinic tomorrow" thats just  human compassion in my book.  If they can't do that, I don't think they are really worth bothering about. 

You would not beleive the amount of hint dropping I've done in the last 3 years about ttc and in the last 12 months, IVF.  They all know I'm a very open person and I've made it clear that I have no problem in talking about it.  I haven't the 1st clue about adoption, but it wouldn't stop me from saying to a friend of mine "good look at your pre adoption course next week" or occasionally expressing an interest in what stage they were at in the process without going into all the detail.   

Writing this has helped me reach my final decision on this one. I think they belong in the past and the thing that bound us all together 5 long years ago  was first time motherhood. Think it takes a lot more then that at the end of the day to form firm and long lasting friendships.

Shamrock63

 
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