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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello anyone who's reading  :)

I have asked for access into here because I had quite a difficult experience with the birth of my twins, Harry and Lilly, and in the days that followed.

I've been struggling to cope and just get through each day since really.  The babies are fed and clean and safe,etc and people keep saying how well I'm coping but inside I feel a bit like I'm falling apart. And now with each day that goes by it's harder to gather the strength or energy to try to ask for help or talk about how I am feeling.

I'm glad I've come in here because even on the main forum I feel I can't talk about my birth experience because it might scare people, and also can't talk about how I'm feeling because I worry people will think I should just "pull myself together and be grateful I've got 2 children".  I am still chattering away on the forum like I haven't got a care in the world and am putting on a bit of a front really, like I am in real life.  But the last couple of days I've starting hiding myself away from visitors, not answering the phone, etc, and I know having been treated for depression a few yrs ago that I am on the edge on becoming poorly unless I do something about it soon.

Soooo...my health visitor has co-incidentally visited today and wanted to do the pnd questionnaire with me but I asked her if we could leave it til her next visit in 2 wks time.  I have a de-briefing at the hospital I had the babies in on Thursday and in fact if I can face it want to write my birth story in here, maybe tomorrow.  I tried just now but started bawling til I got a really bad headache so will wait and try again. 

I have to say ahead of writing it that my memories are a little hazy in some respects; I'm not really sure whether some things are what I actually remember or whether they're things that Andy has told me that happened.  But I need to face up to it, to talk (type) about it and then hopefully move on and see the birth of my babies as a positive experience.  At the moment I can't even think about it without crying, and I have to leave the room when I hear Andy telling someone about how the twins were born because in a weird way I feel he's being disloyal telling a story I know nothing about, and I feel as though I wasn't really there...I just remember tears, fear and upset for several days. 

I know others have been through far far worse, it's not actually what I went through, it's more how it's left me feeling that's the problem, but anyway, enough rambling for now, I 'll be back later or tomorrow and give it another go then.

I'm so glad I found this sanctuary.  Thank you Jeanette & FF.  :-*

Katie.
 

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can't type much as i have a snory lil person who won't be put dwon...

but  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^

to you katie, i hope things start looking up for you soon, the first step is the hardest  ^hugme^ ^reiki^ ^hugme^ ^reiki^
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you Em  :-* here's one right back at you  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^


Well I have tried and failed a few times today to think never mind write my birth story but have failed without getting upset so I am just going to write a very shortened version for now and tackle how I feel about it all later.  Here goes..


We were booked for a c-section as both babies were breech but had an emergency c-section the Friday before coz Harry had stopped growing and then I'd become worry that he'd not been moving as much as normal and when we went to hosp for a check his heart tracing was a bit flat.  The staff were all very casual "well we may as well have those babies this evening as we're all here anyway".  But I have since been told that behind the scenes they were rushing like mad to clean theatres ready as they realised Harry was in big difficulties. 

The c-section didn't start too well, with the anaethetist trying about 8 or 9 times to put the epidural in which was pretty painful, and going through a couple of needles in the process.

As it was an emergency we were told that we wouldn't be given any options for cord cutting, etc which was fine as we knew the priority was to see Harry was ok.  Lilly was born first, came out screaming and with a cut on her leg where the doctor had caught her when they cut me.  I feel so so guilty but to be honest at the time we all but ignored Lilly's arrival  :-\ as we were desperate to know about Harry.  The room went silent and out came Harry, not breathing and very floppy.  I remember Andy and I both crying throughout most of the c-section - I'd had such dreams of crying with joy when our babies were born but sadly we were crying with worry that our little boy might not make it.

Harry was resus'd on arrival, came to briefly but was then whisked to scbu where they took bloods, which they informed us weren't "compatible with life" but the good news was that he was alive, however they had no idea why he had so many severe problems, and til then were having problems stabilising him.

I was doped up on morphine from the c-section overnight but my one vivid memory which really haunts me now is being woken up by one of the scbu doctors and being asked if there is any family history of stillbirths or neonatal deaths.  I was able to answer him but then he left the room leaving me alone again. I didn't have the strength nor was I alert enough to ask why he wanted to know that, but instead whilst drifting in and out of sleep worried myself all night about why he wanted to know that, and even started to wonder if it was his way of telling me Harry had died.  :'(

During the c-section I apparantly bled really badly but for some reason no-one realised until when I became very unwell the following day.  I had woken with quite a lot of pain in the "bump" but put if down to c-section pain, but when I was wheeled to see Harry in scbu on my bed the pain suddenly became unbearable.  I remember thinking "is this some form of panic attack" because I was also struggling with seeing Harry in scbu...I couldn't bring myself to look at him let alone go near his incubator as I was terrified of letting myself get close to him in case something happened.  But this pain then also moved to my arm, and next thing I know I can hear a scbu nurse on the phone in a panicked voice asking someone to come and get me urgently because I couldn't breathe. 

Next thing I remember was being back in the recovery room on delivery suite and looking at the monitors and seeing the terrible oxygen levels thinking "oh that poor person is quite poorly" and then I realised that actually that person was me.  I think I lost consciousness at that stage and when I came to was being scanned on the bump and had oxygen on and several drips and infusions on the go, a nurse squeezing fluids into me, and a blood transfusion.  Apparantly I'd stopped breathing which was put down to one of either two problems I had - a seriously low hb as a result of the bleeding, and a condition called paralytic ileus which is also potentially life-threatening.  I was aware of the doctors talking about how seriously ill I was, and my chances for recovery.  :-\  I have an image around this point of seeing Andy cooped up in a corner of the room cuddling Lilly with all his might as though she were a little teddy bear, I don't know how he coped bless him.

Gradually though over the rest of the day I was stabilised.  The following morning Lilly ended up in scbu after she had screamed all night and was treated for meningitis to be safe but it was never proved as they tried several times to do a lumbar puncture but couldn't do it.  They also gave her the light therapy for jaundice, although I was since told that they'd plotted the levels on the wrong chart and she didn't actually need that treatment after all!   Having her taken from me whilst H was so poorly was terrifying and I vaguely remember screaming and crying when they took her too.

At this point it was decided I was stable enough to go to the post-natal ward, and was wheeled down there but unfortunately for me I'd been given a bed out on the open ward where I was the only one without my babies.  It was horrid.  Andy wheeled my up to scbu to see Harry in the evening but again I found I couldn't look at him, and seeing Lilly there too I began to feel the same about her. Back on the ward I could hear everyone around me with their babies and felt probably the lowest I've ever felt.  I cried myself to sleep that night.

Next morning I awoke and tried to make an effort to "pull myself together" a little but not long after I'd got up the sister and doctor from scbu arrived and drew the curtains round my bed so that they could tell me Harry would have to be transferred to the regional scbu because they still couldn't work out what was wrong, or stabilise him.  They added that the ambulance would be arriving iminently and that they felt I should come to scbu with them to say goodbye.  Cue yet more tears and panic because the staff told me they'd rang Andy to come in asap but I was terrified he'd miss saying goodbye and I didn't know if we'd see him again.   :'( Well I got to hold H on his little cushion whilst they moved him into the transport incubator, a precious moment, and to my relief Andy arrived in time to see him too.

Later on the ward I started to feel unwell again and it was discovered that my blood pressure was very very high (no surprise there really).   I begged staff to let me and Lilly be transferred to G hospital where Harry had been taken but was told I wasn't well enough to go for another 24hrs.  But they did agree that I could have Lilly "on loan" from scbu for as long as I could cope with her which was one good thing, I won't deny I found it difficult as I could still not walk without someone with me and even lifting her out of her goldfish bowl crib thing was agony but we managed, just about.

And on to the next morning.  One of the doctors called in to review me and in a bid to try to make me feel better told me that "at least all hope is not lost as Harry hadn't had to be transferred to G hospital".  I had to inform her that if she looked at the notes she'd see that actually yes he HAD been transferred yesterday.  I was distraught yet again.

Perhaps thanks to this gaff she'd made though the transfer for Lilly & I was arranged pretty quickly after that, and we were escorted by midwife and paramedics to G hospital.  Once there Lilly was admitted to scbu to but I continued to keep her on loan with her being taken by the midwives every few hours for anitbiotics and checks, and thankfully after his first 24hrs there Harry was classed as stable and once that happened he recovered in super speedy time.  I was found to have cellutis of the bump, and also a wound infection for which I had to re-start antibiotcis for but otherwise gradually got stronger each day, and if I remember rightly on day 9 Lilly and I came home and Harry joined us on day 12.

Harry's problems were eventually put down to placental problems and we were told he'd probably had long-term problems but also some form of "crisis" immediately before birth which had tipped him over the edge.  He'll need brain scans and close monitoring for a while as there may be some slight brain injury but all things considered he's doing great.

*******************
This is by no means everything that happened during our few days in hospital, I am gradually remembering bits and pieces but until our de-briefing this week am not sure what they relate to if that makes sense.  As I said before, it's not necessarily what we went through, it's more how it left me feeling, which is pretty traumatised if I'm honest.

I can manage to care for the babies but cannot sleep, am very very tearful, irritable and low, at a time when I should be on cloud nine.  I also play the whole thing over and over and over in my head and can't seem to move on...I do hope that as time goes on  this will change but for now this is where I'm at.

Katie.
 

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Oh Katie

I don't know how you are coping as well as you are!! (you might think you're not, but to get this far you really are!!!)

I'm in floods of tears right now

more  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ for you and Harry and Lilly

xx
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Bless you Em, thank you  :-*

"Dear Diary"

I had another sleepless night last night..not because of the babies, just because when I had the chance to sleep I lay staring into space playing it all over in my mind again.

Today started off pretty rubbish when I was getting  the babies up and washed/dressed as Andy was downstairs getting ready for work.  Lilly cried for what must have been all of a minute and Andy shouted up "can I do anything up there?".  He meant it nicely but with my new-found paranoia I took it that he was implying because L was crying I couldn't cope/am an unfit mummy, and I snapped at him yet again.  He gets his head snapped off a lot at the moment which really is not like me and I feel so guilty afterwards.

I made the effort to drag us all out for a walk just now.  I couldn't face going to tesco's & the shops because I feel too irritable to be dealing with "real people" today so went down along the canal path instead.  It was nice and the babies slept the whole time, so peaceful.  Or it was til I ran into someone I used to work with.  She started asking lots of questions about the babies...usual stuff...and I felt a bit like I was being tested.  It made me all flustered...and irritable...again...and after that I couldn't get back indoors quickly enough.

Have cried a lot again today but then of course I guess I'm thinking a lot about this de-briefing tomorrow.  I'm really scared that I'll clam up and not be able to ask or say what I want to.  And what if tomorrow doesn't bring the "closure" I so desperately need...what if I'm left still feeling like this??

I feel so so guilty too, that Lilly and Harry have had a distracted and sad mummy a lot of the time.  The words of the midwives "a happy mummy is a happy baby" keep echoing in my head and I feel terrible that I might be making them sad too.  :-\

 
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katie

Sending huge hugs your way.

Good luck with your debrief and really hope it gives you the closure you need.

Let us know how you get on

Love

Donna x
 

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Oh katie sweetheart what an awful time you have had  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ I hope your reveiw went well hun  ^hugme^ ^hugme^
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks Donna ^hugme^ and Sally ^hugme^

"Dear Diary"

Well the appointment yesterday went as well as it could do really. We took some boxes of sweets up to scbu and delivery suite to say thank you to all involved in the babies' arrivals. I had a bit of a mini-panic going into delivery suite, had to do lots of deep breathing but we did it.

Then to our appt at ante natal clinic with the consultant. It was weird being back in there again - so many memories of the anticipation & excitement. All the staff recognised us so came ove for a chat which was nice but difficult at times because they kept saying "so did it all go ok then?" and we had to explain things again.

Sooo...the consultant had obviously spent a lot of time going through our notes and what happened as she knew every detail without having to refer to them once. To my relief rather than beating around the bush and avoiding questions she was incredibly open and honest and the big one that I needed to know about was whether the problems with Harry could have been avoided as we'd had lots of signs from 5 weeks earlier that there were problems brewing. She told us that she had asked herself (and discussed with other doctors) that very question over and over and whilst she had to admitt it might have been best if they delivered them earlier it was always a case of weighing up delivering them too soon and putting them both at risk (lungs not developed, feeding, etc, etc). She said whilst hindsight is a wonderful thing she could not say whether or not she would have made any different decisions but that she was so so very sorry for everything we have been through.

She arranged for the consultant anaethetist to ring me today to discuss some back probs I've been having since the probs siting the epidural which was nice but all this "bending over backwards" that she and the staff have been doing just makes me nervous and even more paranoid tbh.

I was in bits and pieces throughout most of the appt really and as I'd suspected was too upset to really ask much. All the things that happened to me too were just plain unlucky and that apparantly only 3 in 3000 births have the bowel probs let alone all the other stuff on top. She did say that all my problems resulted from the blood loss which was not missed as such because I had apparantly bled quite heavily during the c-section but what tipped my body over the edge was that I continued to bleed very heavily for many hours after that.

She was keen to be kept up to date with Harry's reviews, brain scans, etc and asked was he smiling, following things with his eyes, etc yet, which he's not. Whilst it's still early days to be honest this is something I'm a little anxious about too...I am getting quite desperate for a "sign" that he's doing ok.

We now have an open appt with the consultant so I can just ring any time and meet with her in clinic or somewhere else if I'd prefer if I need/want to have a chat but to be honest I'm not sure what that will achieve.

As for how I feel...uuugggghhhh should about sum it up. In some ways relieved that the appt's over with but in other ways I feel like "that's it now" and that I'm now on my own to get on with things. I feel very small and hopeless. :-\ This has been so far today my most tearful day yet and I have cried through every feed since midnight and most of the time in between and feel very low.

Well I got to go for now as babies will be due another feed in a bit.

Bye for now.
 

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Katie,

Just want to give you a huge ^Cuddle^.  I'm so glad you've got yourself access to in here and are able to be as open as you want to be.

I think you are an incredibly brave lady, a wonderful person and a great friend to so many of us.  If you remember a while ago, I gave you a snippet of a post that I did several weeks after having Iestyn giving a 'little' indication of how emotional and dysfunctional I had felt - that was without the trauma you have been through, so it is little wonder you are having so much trouble dealing with the here and now, following Harry and Lilly's arrival. 

Small steps mate!

Sending you heaps of love,

Sue xxx
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Ah thank you Sue  :-* and Sades  :-*

Not sure about the after thoughts birth counselling service, did google it but can't find anything that matches the description in this area. 

Mind you I have my 6wk post natal check next Thursday so maybe I will mention how I am to the gp then if no better...maybe.  Health visitor comes again week after next and she seems to have a magic ability to see right through me so I guess she may have a/some suggestions for what I might be able to do.

Not had too bad a day today I guess...still constantly going over everything again and again in my head but not too many tears today...just feel a bit flat really.  And Andy's got the long weekend off so we've been busy around the house, etc.  It's when I'm on my own I'm at my worst I think.

Andy said earlier that I must be honest with him and tell him how I am feeling about everything.  "Er....dur, I was doing that since the day the babies have been born but you've tried to turn things into a joke and jolly me along like I can be distracted from it all and it'll all magically go away".  Ah well, it's just his way of dealing with things.  Apparantly he nearly started crying in our de-brief appt yesterday too which I do feel bad about, I was so wrapped up in my own feelings that I didn't even notice.  :-\

Spent a lot of time today staring at the babies and willing them both to smile and follow things with their eyes, H especially.  Lilly is now gurning a bit and following bright objects and looking intently at us, but nothing from Harry yet despite the fact that to look at him with his big eyes he looks very alert.  Must stop comparing them though, they are individuals after all and are never going to be doing to same thing on the same day.  C'mon on though little man, just one little smile would be lovely!

Right, will be off for now.  Can feel my tummy churning at the thought of those solitary midnight and 3am feeds, knowing exactly what'll be going over and over in my mind yet again... :-\
 

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Hun try not to worry so much about Harry. Freya has only just started to smile and its not often. She also makes my mum laugh with her camelian eyes coz she looks at my mum and me at the same time  :eek: ;D He will be smiling before you know it and melting your heart.  ^hugme^ ^hugme^
 

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Katie - those solitary hours between midnight and 3am, even 4am are just the worst - life is so different during those awful hours - and my goodness, is there really just 60 minutes in each of those hours? Surely that can't be so!

I'm sure it's inevitable no matter what the start in their lives, that you would be willing each of them/ comparing them both - don't people compare all the time what each of their little ones are doing, who smiles first, who holds something first, who rolls first, who sits up, who crawls etc..... (hmmm, think Iestyn was the last amongst all his friends at all of these apart from being the loudest of them all - then he was definately top!).  So with you having two babies of your own and with the difficult start that H had, you so desperately are going to want signs that all is well.

Just bare in mind, when comparing with L - both H & L are only 6 weeks old and both still very young and although L may well give you a little smile first, some bubbs don't give them properly until a good few more weeks on yet... so our little H, may well just keep you waiting a little longer - on the other hand, he may well just suprise you.  

As you say, they are both individuals and will do things at different times - I tend to go by the baby book scenario - I know on here you have some real fans of one of the main baby book authors, however, for me, she scared the living daylights out of me and made me feel a complete failure.  So in my mind, I tend to think, if it was as easy as just following one book - wouldn't we have a nation of robots? 

As for being wrapped up in yourself at your review meeting - just remember, you are human, you've also been through the most traumatic time of your life, which should have been the most rewarding, enjoyable time of yourlife and you have a body full of hormones - and boy, those hormones can be so aggressive!

It could well be worth asking the question about the birth afterthoughts service - it's something I was offered after having Iestyn and I know has helped many people.

Take care of yourself hun and I'm sorry if you feel I'm treading on your toes here as you may well just see me as a BBG - if you would rather I didn't acknowledge or respond in anyway to your posts here - please do feel free to tell me so.  I wont be offended as I just want you to have some safe haven where you can sound off as much as you like.

Love to you

Sue xxxx
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Morning "diary"

Firstly Sue thank you again for your support, means a lot, :-*, and no don't stop writing unless you want to...I half expected I might see you in here anyway.  :)

Anyhoo....

Well I didn't end up doing either the midnight or 3am feeds as feeding got a bit muddled and Lilly slept through whereas Harry wanted to feed more regularly than before.  Andy did the overnight feeding which was a huge help although was also because I just couldn't do them myself...had I guess what you might call a mini-panic thing going on & I just couldn't face it.  :-\

Still cannot stop thinking everything over, I wonder when that will stop?

I am still remembering odd snippets of things even now, such as the midwife who came into the room in the few minutes before Lilly was taken to scbu.  She told me off in no uncertain terms for having Lilly propped on a cushion to try and feed her - despite the fact that this was what the previous midwife on duty had shown me to do, and also despite the fact that I was still unable to sit up, move position or even hold her on my own so it wasn't like I had any other choice in the matter.  She snatched the cushion away and put Lilly back in her goldfish bowl leaving me feel such a failure that I couldn't eve manage to feed my daughter properly.  Had completely forgotten about that episode til last night.  It's nothing major I know, but was just another upset too add to the pile.

And Andy yesterday told me that I'd had 2 episodes of the awful pain in my arm and that at one point a blood clot had been queried.  I have a significant family history of blood clot/stroke.etc and Andy said that even the doctors were starting to panic a bit the 2nd time it happened.  I do have the vaguest memory of this now that he's reminded me. 

Actually there is still a period of time that I can't account for at all, am a bit scared of what I'll remember if/when it does come back to me.  :-\

Well I'm going to crawl back into bed for a bit as touch wood all I can hear is Andy's snoring so hopefully might get some zz's.

 

 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thanks Sades  :-* will get some of the lavendar stuff, good idea.

Babies been through what I am assuming is their 6wk growth spurt and feeding has been almost constant but it's all been managable as to be honest Andy has done a lot of the work.

Had several sets of visitors "just pop in" and I hid upstairs nearly every time  :-\ pretending to be snoozing.  Once again have overheard A telling the birth story and enthusing about the babies and I found it so hard to listen to.

Had a quick doze just now and woke up mid-dream about the whole birth experience which is happening nearly every time I sleep now.  :-\ 

Well I got to get going for now, chores to do. 
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
"Dear Diary"

An ok day today.  Took the babies in to work with Andy to see all my old folks who clucked and fussed over them which was lovely, and it was especially lovely putting them onthe laps of a few of the blind peeps who were at least able to feel their way round the babies, some touching moments.

Despite it being lovely though it made me feel wobbly again, just as I thought I was maybe starting to deal with this.  I lost track of the amount of times that I was asked about their birth, what happened, etc, and managed to brush over most of the questions but at times only just held back the tears.

More dreams last night about everything.  I remember the first time I saw Lilly in scbu I was wheeled in and saw a baby in an incubator.  I started saying "hello my gorgeous girl" and the nurse had to tell me that that was not my baby, that Lilly was in another incubator opposite.  I felt so cr*p that I couldn't even recognise my own baby.  Gawd, that's got the tears going again now.  I know I was still doped up on morphine at this stage and I guess it was an easy mistake to make, but it just adds to these horrid feelings of guilt and inadequacy that I have atm.

Ah well, I gotta go for now. 
 

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Katie, well done hun, I know today was tough (albeit with it's lovely times) - but you did it and you did hold yourself together during the questions you are struggling with at the moment. ^Cuddle^.

Aww bless you with your dreams ^Cuddle^.  You certainly wont be the first and definately wont be the last mummy not to recognise their newborn baby in scbu.  As you said, definately still doped up on morphine and still very traumatised, it's such an easy mistake to make and although it doesn't make you feel good, it doesn't mean you are inadequate or cr*p. 

Are you able to talk to Andy about how you are feeling or are you bottling everything up and just letting it out here?  I'm just concerned also about you having to overhear his version of events of the birth.

Really wish I could just give you a huge ^Cuddle^.

Love,

Sue xxx
 

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Hello Katie,

Glad the twins are doing well I know how hard being a twin mummy is and you sound like you are coping so well alongside recoverying from the birth.
I am so sorry you had an awfull experience and I can totally understand the feelings you are now struggling with.But you are a fantstic mummy and I am sure Harry will smile soon, try not to compare them to each other but I know that is easier said than done. For me Callum rolled over at about 4 months byt Ryan didn't managed it till about 6 months and in all that time I was sure there was something wrong.

When is your 6 wk check up? I think it would be a really good idea to talk to the gp and HV about how you feel and of course to us.

Pm me at anytime I know how you feel

Take care x x
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
"Evening diary"

Sue ~ thanks hun.  Yeah, Andy knows how I feel. In fact the day I asked Jeanette if I could come and hide in here was after I'd had a major melt down and screeched at Andy on the way home from a walk with the babies and had told him exactly how I felt.  He's trying his best to understand but of course his experience is from a different perspective I guess, plus being at work he gets to go and focus on other things for most of the day and has been able to move on.

Donna ~ thank you for your message too.  I took a brief look at your thread yesterday and wanted to send you a message of support on there but wasn't sure if I was allowed to. Plus I can't offer many words of wisdom at the mo in my current position!  But big big  ^hugme^ to you, you are so right this twin mummy lark is VERY hard work, I think we deserve a huge pat on the back just for getting through each day!  I'm so sorry you are having a rough time and I do hope that with the right support you can come through this and see that you are both a fab person, and mummy to your boys.  :)

"Dear diary"

Struggled through the day somehow.  Thought I was doing ok but every single time I even think of anything remotely related to H & L's birth I start crying again.

I have got my 6 week check tomorrow with the gp so will see how comfortable I am to explain how I feel to him/her.  I know if they ask the key questions I won't be able to hide anything and will be bawling, just depends on how much time there is and how much they ask.  It's all so long-winded I worry that I'll bore the gp or that they won't have time for my worries.  I know, I know, stupid, but that's how I feel.

It'd be far easier if I printed off my birth story, highlighted the gaps and posted with an sae to the consultant for her to fill in the gaps and return to me!  ::)

Right, Lilly has just projectile vomited across the living room so I gotta go clean.



 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
"Dear Diary"

Busy day today.

Both babies had their breech baby hip scan, which they passed with flying colours, yay!

Then on to gp for 6 week check for us all.

Lilly is well, and doing everything expected.  Harry as I'd thought is not doing anything (head control, smiling, eye following, etc) just yet.  The gp said it may of course just be that he will do things in his own good time, but we have to make another appt for a couple of weeks so that he can be checked again.  He also has reflux and a hernia.  :-\

As for moi, I thought I was ok til I got in the surgery and the gp asked how I am doing and of course the tears started.  I did try to explain how I'm feeling and where a lot of my feelings stem from but it all came out wrong.  She tried her best but ended up explaining away every single thing I mentioned as though if I have a rational reason for why each thing happened it somehow makes it all "ok".  And I couldn't find the words/energy to explain to her that whilst in my mind I can see things and understand things clearly I can't stop feeling so cr*p about it all, and can't stop the nightmares, etc.

So now I am wondering whether it really is a case of "pull myself together"...but if so, why can't I??  I'm wondering if I'm just being a bit pathetic :-[
 

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Hi Katie,

No you are definatly not being pathetic you have real feelings snd yed when you are feeling ok you will be able to be more rational about things but for the mojority of the time you are not feling calm or rational and that is understandable when caring for a new baby expecially twins.
Also remeber it was only 6 weeks ago you also have to allow yourself time to recover, get your end round what happened as much as you can and also greive for the birth you hoped for

It took me a while to find a gp that really listened and had time for me so don't be afraid to go back to see someone different or even talk to your HV

Also would some support with the twins help? there is an organisation could homestart which are great so people on here say. I don't have one in my area but have just been refered to parent support which is a similar thing

Hope what I have said makes sense and I haven't put my foot in it in anyway

Take care, alwasy here to chat

Donna x x
 
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