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Discussion Starter · #101 ·
He has spent the morning in pants and trousers today, and so far no accidents. We even walked to the Chemist for household medications and back and still no accidents. Hoping this is the start of no more nappies. At least in the day anyway
 

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Discussion Starter · #102 ·
12 year old has finally given permission to take him to the gp and try to get him a diagnosis. He is aware that he will be going to college at 16, just to consolidate his literacy and numeracy. And then whatever choices he wants to make. We are well aware he will need some kind of emotional support whilst in education. Hopefully we can get a diagnosis and an EHCP to help support him educationally......

Little man is coming on with words. He is saying here you are, there you go, thank you, welcome, bye, our names, nearly his name and the naughty versionΒ  of poo! Very difficult to tell him it's not appropriate when A) it sounds too cute and B) everyone collapses in laughter, so he thinks it's funny and does it even more πŸ€­πŸ˜‚

Hes back in nappies most of the day. He did have a week where he was really getting it and then weve had a week where he really isnt bothered where he pees. He even stands right in front of his potty and pees at the side of it. πŸ€” goes over with the intention of sitting down and then gets the look of nah, wont bother. Little monkey.

Bath time is great. I have the 2 older ones begging me to let them bathe with him. Doesnt take much persuading. 12 yr old wears boxers in the bath with LO, 10 yr old does sometimes. I leave them to it and get jobs done upstairs as I know little man is perfectly safe with those 2. J obviously go back in and check periodically but in the main, he gets looked after well and all 3 boys have fun

Mum is still doing well. Gets irritated with the oxygen machine and with little man stealing her stuff, but in the main, shes okay.

Hubby isnt enjoying college. 1 week on, 1 week off. Online work. He doesnt like online. H3 busies himself making stuff out of wood. Honing his skills I suppose.

So planning another round.

Money for transfer and meds saved up. Now working on saving for flights and accommodation. It's just hard as were coming to the mega expensive time of year. My birthday has just gone. 48 yrs young now. 12 year olds birthday in a month, xmas in 2 months, mums birthday in January, little man will be 2 in January and hubby's bday in february, eldest bday in march. But I shall save that money and I shall have 1 last ditch attempt. Would be nice for little man to have a younger sibling. But this is my very last time.

I have spoken to Penny and said I want an extended cycle going by a pattern I see. So I want to take all the meds for the first month and bring on a bleed, no transfer. Start the meds again and then go for transfer. In the email, she has agreed
I will remind her of this nearer the time.

Anyway, hes awake.from his epic nap so I better go.
 

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Discussion Starter · #103 ·
OMG!Β  Checked the flight prices for february. Stupid girl!!! Β£70 total for 5 of us to fly and return to the UK.

2 hurried emails sent off to Serum and Cherish. See what comes from those emails.

OMG!Β  I may be back on the rollercoaster!!! Sooner than expected.
 

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Discussion Starter · #104 ·
No emails back yet hmmm. Still waiting. Ho-hum
 

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Discussion Starter · #105 ·
My head is spinning with everything. Got my quotes from local chemists and fertility2u. They came out the best so have gone with them (even factoring delivery charge).

Now onto covid test. Hmmm. Some places £110, £120 but these places.dont guarantee 72 hr turnaround. The 24 hr turnaround places are £199 😱

It has now gone from we 5 going to Athens for 4 days, to then we 3 going for 4 days to now me going on transfer day and flying straight home.

My GUM clinic no longer allows fertility patients to have the STI tests done. Ballache. So I've had to email SH.24 and theyve sent us tests to finger prick the test tube and urine tests. Still need to source hep b and c.

My endocrinology dept had thankfully sent blood forms early to check thyroid and hbA1c for me, hasn't added iron or vit d though πŸ€”.

We will be doing EA this time. Penny has said I could go full blown DD and have full genetic sibling. However, i dont have that kind of money. She also said if i go EA, he will have half genetic sibling. So i replied that EA sounds good with half genetic sibling and we will make it work as our family is blended anyway. 1 more blend wont make much difference. πŸ˜‚

Throughout all this, my only worry is the govt maybe making it mandatory to have covid vaccinations before you can fly. That would really upset me. However, reading some reports it says women ttc or pregnant are advised to not have the first batch of vaccinations. I'm hoping that will be an exemption. I'm also hoping my timescale for transfer will still be in the first vaccination period. If that makes sense.

I think I'm nuts. πŸ˜‚
 

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Discussion Starter · #106 ·
Meds ordered, paid for and delivery due Wed. This is happening!
 

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Discussion Starter · #107 ·
So poorly since weekend.

UTI. and the gp delayed and delayed and because of that I've ended up in hospital attached to an IV antibiotic drip. Meds arrived yesterday.. and articles from guardian, daily mail posted how UK may not be allowed to travel to EU after brexit. 🀬😠😀😀🀬😑😠😑πŸ₯±πŸ€¬ insert lots of swearing.

I'm hoping and praying for medical exemption to be applied. πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™

Had my first covid swab. Not as bad as I was anticipating.

PTSD and anxiety hit the roof. Theyve noted down my reactions. Theyve all been very kind. So ptsd resurfaces because of the section and still impacts. God know how I'm going to manage a scratch πŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆ embryo transfer should be okay as it's the lovely penny doing and I trust her 100%.

Been told my veins are the size of 3 yr olds πŸ˜‚ No πŸ’© Sherlock!
I have 5Β  attempts to canularise me. Bruising will be epic. 3 attempts by a nurse who doesnt have canula failures (she does now πŸ˜‚, she was lovely) 2 attempts by a FY2 doctor. Successful was an anaesthetist. So higher up the chain.

I'm strangely calm atm. On ward. Well see for anything else.
 

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Discussion Starter · #108 ·
My IVF journey has ended as quite key as it began.

I was very close to urinary sepsis and I'm still not out the woods yet. But, it has made me re-evaluate and we have come to the decision that IVF is not the best plan out of all of them after all. This has really stopped us in our tracks and we have to be grateful (which we are anyway) for the blessings we do have and concentrate on them having the best life and ensuring they have a MUM and Dad around to enjoy it with them. I am sad, but that feeling shall pass. I only have to look down at myΒ  Serum miracle sleeping next to me to know that we have been truly blessed with the children we do have.

So now we seek a new adventure. Maybe start a business with our IVF money ( or buy a specially adapted automatic motor home πŸ€«πŸ˜‚). Probably havent got enough money for that. ButΒ  a.girl can dream

Now what do I do with Β£450 worth of u opened fertility medication. I have no flipping clue.
 

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Discussion Starter · #109 ·
Grieving
 

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Discussion Starter · #110 ·
May have told him I'm doing the cycle just later on in the year. This illness has made me lose my diplomacy and tact. He either supports me or he doesnt. No skin off my nose.
 

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Discussion Starter · #111 ·
My mum died today of coronavirus at 15.20. She died with me and my eldest son there with her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #112 ·
So the funeral is nearly all arranged. Just waiting on 2 people to write a short piece on her. However if I haven't received them by tomorrow, its too bad.

So she will be going in to Shakin' All Over-Jihnny Kidd and the Pirates.
Then welcome from the celebrant
Then the poem Stop All the Clocks W.H Auden
Then an in
 

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Discussion Starter · #113 ·
Then other peoples paragraph inc my husband. We did manage to record him singing tragedy (steps version) in Donald Duck.
His paragraph leads to his recording. She made him promise time and time again, he would do that for her at her funeral. Or she would haunt him!

Then my eulogy. And You've lost that lovin feeling, Righteous brothers.

Then closing speech and committal to Nothing Compares 2 U - Snead O Connor..

No wake. Even if I just invited my son and his fiancee back, because were in UK, the kids are included in the numbers. So thats 5 leady. You're only allowed 6 Peopleton a wake.

I was going to have a MUM wreath. HoweverΒ  she stipulated no wreaths, only a single red rose from anyone who cares. So a bouquet of red roses from me.

I'm also mindful of the fact, the crem asks you to take your flowers home now, due to covid. Who wants a big MUM wreath sat in their living room? So not practical.

I have my friend over the road coming in to sit X (Biggles).I have checked guidance and I am allowed to have her in my home as my informal childcare, as long as we are not present. Which we won't be

I have ummed and aahed over whether he should go and eventually it came down to hes nearly two, he wants to run around and mess about and touch things. Probably NOT the wisest move to take him.Β  The other three boys are attending. A wants a suit. J is going in a black onesie and C is wearing comfortable clothes. Mum also said we should all come as we are, no fancy dressing up. So I'm following her rules.

I'm unsure on self isolation guidance. Cant remember whether the woman said we were legally bound to self isolate UNTIL 11/01 or AFTER 11/01. It know its 10 days. And today is the tenth day. But unsure if I can
 

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Discussion Starter · #114 ·
;Dhaving trouble with this diary. It gets to a certain point and won't let me type.

I am unsure if I can go out today or whether its tomorrow. Staying indoors for 1 more day to be safe. Even though we've ran out of whiskey and coke and 2 mugs of that was getting me through the days. No, I'm not an alcoholic. It just helps smooths put the edges when I'm stressed (like now) and helps my gems (I bite down and clench when stressed). Whiskey and coke is working better than pain killers. Only one more day till I can go shopping. Pretend life is normal.......

 

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Discussion Starter · #115 ·
Struggling. I miss my mum. And I check in with my eldest on Skype, and I ask him how he is? Is he coping? Is he okay? No-one thinks to ask me if I'm okay? No-one ask how I am. Probably because I'm the Fixer. I run around, making all the arrangements, organising people, organising everything else. So I must be doing okay, right? No need to ask if I'm alright. Well, I'm not. And thats okay. Days are a struggle, nights even more so. But, maybe tomorrow will still be a struggle, but it might be slightly less of a struggle.or it may be worse than today. But one day, I might actually smile and that smile might be in my eyes as well as my mouth. I am heartbroken πŸ’”Β  and I say the right things. She died and it the natural order. Parent dies before child. Accepted natural order. Not like my SIDS baby
Thats not the natural order of things. And I got through that. I didn't have kids then and I hit the bottle big time for about 18 months
Until I saw, one morning, just how old and haggard I looked and I stopped drinking ...... Just Like That (thanks Tommy Cooper), now I can't press self destruct. Too many people dependent on me. So now what. I gave my son the number for samaritans. He hasn't used it.

I know what set me off. After 10 days of isolation, foods were at all time low. So I took my 13 yr old shopping with me. He needed a "suit " for the funeral. We walked past the lucozade bottles and I nearly put 7 in the trolley and then realised she's not here to drink it. And walked past the lucozade. Stupid really. I also didn't buy a TV mag or lottery or instants. 5hat was weird also. And triggers. Its just hard. And then I feel bad, for feeling this grief as other people have it worse than me. I should just pull myself by my boot straps and get on with it. But I'm hurting and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sob. I want a cuddle from my mum and her tell me, everything's going to be okay. She was my mu, and she sometimes wound me up something chronic, but she was also my best supporter, a fierce adversary for my 'enemies' and my best friend. I feel lost.

I miss my mum.
 

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Discussion Starter · #116 ·
Funeral today. The older kids are going, but I have a sitter for X. I don't feel it will be good for him or us. Trying to keep an active nearly 2 year old (how did that happen?) Still and quiet while trying to say goodbye to my mum
 

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Discussion Starter · #117 ·
This diary is really screwing up. Keeps stopping me type and then freezing. Very off putting.
Sitter had X yesterday. We went to the Chapel of Rest
She looked weird because of the embalming. She had to be embalmed due to covid. Apparently. She had make up on. She never wore make up. They kept her teeth in. Thank God! She would have hated them being removed. So it was my mum, but not my mum, if that makes any sense.
 

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Discussion Starter · #118 ·
Funeral Director rang me last night. We have had to scrap tradition of walking behind the coffin. Covid restrictions. We have arranged the seating plan. Covid restrictions. And we are all to be seated before she enters the Crematorium. All distanced unless in the same household. Or bubble. Some flowers are going through with my mum to be cremated, my flowers however will be returned to me. Mum didn't want wreaths so she asked for a single red rose from anyone who cared. Her coffin will have red roses on it and I ordered a tied sheath (???) With 5 red roses and 1 white rose in the middle. Which represents myself, my husband, my eldest, the 13 yr old, the 10 yr old and the 2 yr old. Still haven't decided what I'm wearing as she said to come in what you're comfortable.i live in jeans and scruffy tops. Not sure im comfortable with completely scrapping tradition. We'll see. I still have some wiggle room atm.

One thing I have noticed. I get easily triggered atm. Whether that be anger or a snivelling mess. I had a woman ring me from Child and Young Persons Austism Service the other day. She needed extra information to be sent from a school teacher. So I explained he's home educated. So she said Oh, he's home schooled! I hit the roof! I replied quite firmly "he is not home schooled, home schooled is a term used in the U.S, the term is home education or home.educayed in the U.K. so therefore he is home educated, not home schooled. She said I never knew there was a difference. So I said yes there is. If you say home schooled, it's gives the other person the view that we sit at a desk in a school type fashion at home. We most definitely do not. We educate at home, that can be anything from carpentry to sewing to abseiling to anything really and definitely not at a desk. She said oh! So then do you have tutors come in that we can get a statement from. No! We home educate! Responsibility for education falls on my shoulders as the parent, not any tutors shoulders. And also, we couldn't have a tutor even if we wanted one, were in the middle of a pandemic! I said you do have a tutors statement anyway, if you read my sons file correctly, you have his karate tutors statement. That is a tutor
Who also gave his phone number and gave permission for you to speak with him regarding my son, if you needed more information. Oh! She said. We will have another meeting about your son and I will ring you back this afternoon. She didn't.

So I rang them yesterday. And as bolshy as I was, they have decided to proceed to the next step. An early years history telephone consultation in 3 months. So I will have to do my homework, and read back on my HE diary on here for when I really started noticing differences. From birth basically. Hes the only baby I've had that would go rigid and turn his head away from me when I tried to cuddle him. Then other signs. Slow crawler. 13-14 months. Slow walker 19 months. Very good with speech. Mono conversations from the start. Conversations on a loop. Got very agitated from an early age if I changed routine. But its pinpointing ages. Might be tricky. Absolute meltdowns if he got the wrong plate, the wrong bowl, others touched his stuff, looked at his food or him in the wrong way. Then the behaviours increased when he went to school. I really need to do my homework. He needs to pass/fail? Autism assessments and be diagnosed to get educational help for a college setting. He will need some support. High anxiety and social mutism. He knows he has to go to college at 16. I know he won't be emotionally ready....... there needs to be some support in place for him but without a diagnosis, we will struggle to get that support.
Oh proud moment. He learned how to tie his shoe laces. A week ago!!! At 13!!! So proud!!!!


 

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Discussion Starter · #119 ·
It went well. There was me, hubby, 24 yr old, his fiancee, 13 yr old, 10 yr old, my cousin and a very, very old family friend. Small and intimate. My nephew did not turn up.

There was laughter - hubby's recording if Tragedy in Donald Duck as she wanted and rhenium were tears Nothing Compares 2 U. My husband shocked me. He is like me,doesnt cry at funerals. I heard heaving, wracking sobs and realised it was him. The eulogy I wrote was nearly perfect. One typo i missed but other than that, very good.

Cousin didn't laugh. Told me it was inappropriate. So I simply replied its what SHE wanted, so appropriate. Then he said I expected I**** to be here, where is she?Β  My mums eldest friend. So I looked at him horrified and said OMG! Dont you know, she died 6 months ago. He went into shock and very quickly said that's awful I didn't know, I'm sorry, I have to leave now. Slightly spiteful of me, but dang! Did it feel good πŸ˜‚

When we got back to mine, there were 5 of us as the kids went upstairs. So for a wake, you are allowed up to 6 people in a well ventilated room. It was an impromptu wake, so toast and a Chinese meal was the order of rhenium day. And whiskey. And vodka. Chatting, laughing, a bit of sadness, watching the 2 yr olds antics.. in a wayΒ  an ordinary day. But also extraordinary. When we drove to the Crem, behind Mum, it was raining. And I said how fitting, even the heavens are crying for her. And it was.

The flowers were beautiful. Just roses. From everyone who cared. 2 tied sheaths. Mine with the red and 1 white rose, another from our family friend and single roses from more distant family members and an old friend of mine. The coffin looked elegant , simple and classy. Not gaudy at all. I asked for mine to be returned. The others are completing the journey with her. I also asked for all the cards. They will go in a keepsake box.

On the one hand, I thought the small number of people (mainly her direct family) made it very personal and intimate, but on the other made me sad. To think she got to 79 and she only had a nandful of people around her that really cared about her and she cared about them.

I've been looking into pure cream for me. No traditional funeral. They collect meΒ  care for me, cremate me without anyone there, send ashes to whoever is designated in the funeral plan and thats that. In the funeral plan, you write where and who you want to have attend a special event at a later date to say your goodbyes. And its Β£1100 as opposed to Β£4000 for a traditional cremation/funeral. I've discussed it with hubby who wants to be buried and asked if he would look after my ashes till he dies and then I want my urn to be placed in his coffin with him. I don't want to buried as a body, but as ashes, I don't mind. So I will seriously consider this option.

I am so glad my mum took out a funeral plan and paid it off a few years back. Because of this, the arrangements were almost seamless and it was far less stressful than when I had to arrange my friends mums funeral. No will. No funeral plan. No easy way to pay. This was fairly straightforward, and I want to give my kids that security that I've had.

Anyway, shattered. So I will bid you goodnight.
 

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Discussion Starter · #120 ·
I miss her. Every day. Without fail. Some days are harder than others. But all days are hard.

X is now dry. Day and night. He started being dry at night first. He has managed 16 out of 18 nights dry. The 2 accidents were because his dad forgot to say Wee and teeth before bed. When I take him to bed, he has a bedtime wee and sleeps through with no nappy and no accidents.

Within a week of being dry at night, it connected where wees andΒ  πŸ’© go and he started being clean and dry in the day as well. We now take a potty out with us everywhere. 4 days ago, I put him in a nappy to go out and all the time we were out, he kept telling me wee and pulling at his nappy to go use the toilet. Thats when we did away with nappies completely. All my nappies and wraps and inserts and pockets will be carefully packed i to a big cardboard box and stored carefully.

I am happy that he's out of nappies and I'm sad that he's out of nappies. Happy he's gaining vital skills and sad that he's not technically a baby anymore. He was completely dry but 2 years and 2 weeks. It took him the longest out of all the kids. But it had to happen sooner or later πŸ˜‚

Hjs tantrums are epic. Mostly over my 10 yr old. My god, the rivalry between them has to be seen to be believed. Hopefully this is just a phaseΒ  and he will grow out of it.
 
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