Fertility Friends Support Forum banner
121 - 132 of 132 Posts

ยท
Registered
Joined
ยท
2,242 Posts
Discussion Starter · #121 ·
Thought I was having a good day and I was until I wasn't. Stood in the kitchen earlier and DH came over and gave me a hug, lovely, until I started crying on him, randomly. I miss her terribly. She used to wind me up something chronic at times but could also make me laugh when no-one else could. She used to listen for hours to my woes (usually pmt) and not judge me. Would give advice if asked for and wouldn't say a word if not invited to.

I suppose it doesn't help that I have already gutted her room, redecorated it and moved my triple bed in here. We've put all her pictures of Henry VIII and Elizabeth 1 up, which we couldn't do when she was alive as her room was so cluttered. I'm happy that she finally got them up, but really, really sad she's not here to enjoy them. Yup, I'm messed up.

I have a mixture of her ornaments and my ornaments up. It looks really lovely in here. Just she's not here to have the benefit of it. X is slowly getting used to sleeping in here, although he still calls it Nanna's oom. (Yes oom not room ๐Ÿ˜‚).

I feel.like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders most days. And I know others may or may not have it far worse than me but it still not a place to be right now.

DH had his 1st covid vaccination 28/02. He's was slightly poorly until today, but all good. And yes, he is only 40 but he's my carer as well as husband so he is in the priority group. Now just waiting for my nhs invitation. Which won't come for a.while as I'm not classed as clinically extremely vulnerable.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.
 

ยท
Registered
Joined
ยท
2,242 Posts
Discussion Starter · #122 ·
X is talking a lot now. Picks up words so easily. Although my favourite is still ear noo noo's.ย  Ear defenders ๐Ÿ˜‚. An educational meet happened the other day. Outdoors. Tree identification and tree bud identifications, obviously part of science and natures studies. This was a danger point as it was the first time we'd been out for "pleasure" without nappies. Thought, Wow! There will be a lot of distractions. So I took 3 pairs of socks and trousers. Needn't have worried. Between watching him and prompting him to use the potty, there was absolutely no accidents. Very, very proud of him.

We just replaced our carpet tiles in the kitchen and hall with lino, straight through. It looks stunning. Took DH 12 hours to take up carpets, prepare the area, and then lay and cut the lino. I helped in between keeping X occupied and making sure he couldn't reach the Stanley knife. ๐Ÿ˜‚

The house is changing and it needs to change. Cant keep looking at the same decoration, knowing my mum should be here. I miss her. Every day. At some point. There's no one i can use as a sounding board now. No-one i trust implicitly at least. Dh keeps.saying he's depressed. Eldest son is all about his grief (understandably) and no-one thinks to ask "how are you, are you really okay?" And I'm not okay. I'm getting on and getting by. I'm tearing the house apart, decluttering and redecorating. What happens when I stop having rooms to gut and redress? I don't know.

But hey! I am woman! I am mum! I am strong and will get through this. This i have to believe 100%.
 

ยท
Registered
Joined
ยท
2,242 Posts
Discussion Starter · #123 ·
I had my 1st covid vaccination yesterday. I'm not too bad. It was quite funny actually.

Dh had his 2 weeks ago (only 40 but my carer, so priority group).

Gp surgery rang me Tuesday to arrange my vaccination for Friday ๐Ÿ˜ฑ. So I explained I had APS and MTHFR and should I take clexane 1 day before and for 3 days afterwards. She said what do you normally do. I said I cope without as jts private results and not on gp notes. But I'm concerned with the very, very, very slight risk of clots. Could you check with gp? She said yes. Next thing a text came saying take your usual anticoagulants.ย  Well since jts not on my records, I don't take anything??? But as an ivf patient, I happened to have 10 in date clexane jabs. So I've been taking them and will stop on Monday.

Anyhow, arrives for my jab. PTSD kicking in, shaking, anxiety, babbling. Took a deep breath and stepped in. Was explaining to the nurse (whilst looking away) about PTSD and she said you're done! You have to leave out the fire exit,ย  see you in 12 weeks. ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜‚. Yes, I felt the needle. No, I didn't feel anything else in the 10 seconds it took. I was in and out the surgery in less than a minute.

Yesterday's symptoms. Sore muscle for about 4 hrs. Not arm, just muscle. I was clever and took painkillers 20 mins before my appt. And 6 hours after.

Today, sore muscle. Felt okay. Went shopping. Got back. Suddenly exhausted. Had a 2 hour nap. Slight nausea. So I've eaten. No other symptoms. For me, it isn't that bad.

Next shot in 12 weeks and I will still have some in date clexane left. So I will do what I've done this time.

Thinking of getting baby aspirin and takin 1 of those daily. For in the future. I shall do some research. And then make up my mind.
 

ยท
Registered
Joined
ยท
2,242 Posts
Discussion Starter · #124 ·
2 people decided around 2pm today to car jack my motability car and steal the catalytic converter today. In broad daylight. Wasn't that nice of them?

The worst part is I just feel sad. Defeated. There's no anger. There's no fight. My spark has gone. And I don't know when it will come back.

Informed.the police. Informed insurance. Still waiting for a police officer to arrive so I have a crime reference number. Paid the ยฃ100 excess. Car removed to be fixed. Motability ringing me tomorrow to arrange a courtesy car. They couldn't send one straight away as I'm only allowed.to.drive an automatic with adapted puah/pull hand control. Not sure if there's anything else I'm supposed to do.

I think I'm done. I'm just numb . Most days I'm numb.

To loon at me in the streets, you wouldn't know theres anything wrong. I never let the mask slip.ย  I can smile but I don't think the smile reaches my eyes yet.

I'm going for now. Just waffling nonsense.
 

ยท
Registered
Joined
ยท
2,242 Posts
Discussion Starter · #125 ·
So update time.

I am heading over to Serum May/June. I've got over the urinary sepsis and we spoke and decided as it took 48 yrs for me to get that ill, I may as well go for the cycle that was planned as it could take another 48 yrs for something like that to happen again.

So........

Aquascan and scratch was done Tuesday. Aquascan showed the separation that they were looking for ?? Was told it was perfect. Scratch was surprisingly painful. Apparently the samples they took from me was the best they had seen in 4 months ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚.

Cesearean scar seen on ultrasound but no obvious scarring issues, so thats good.

Meds bought and in the house. Now waiting on day 1. Day 1, email Penny, find out when I start meds for the mock cycle.

2nd covid jab due May/June so the timings will be tight, but I'm sure it will be fine.

Up to speed......
 

ยท
Registered
Joined
ยท
2,242 Posts
Discussion Starter · #126 ·
Yesterday we went and bought 6 chickens. They are lohmann browns and very good layers. 17 weeks old, fully vaccinated. Today, 2 have already laid eggs. I'm amazed!

X is loving having the chickens. Although there is 1 that tries to intimidate him. I was going to call them Monday, Tuesday,Wednesday,Thursday, Friday and Saturday ๐Ÿ˜‚ but rhe bossy ones name has been decided as Dom. Dom for Dominance. ๐Ÿคฃ havent decided on the rest yet.

I've delayed treatment until October. I have bloods to do on April 21st as I just don't feel right. I feel my hormones are out of whack. Which would of course lead to miscarriage for me. So no point chucking money at something that will ultimately fail right now. October also feels better as I will have had my 2nd Covd jab and will be even more protected. So all good.
 

ยท
Registered
Joined
ยท
2,242 Posts
Discussion Starter · #127 ·
Hmm. Delayed going to Serum till October. It seems it will be more convenient for us as a family/commitments.

Garden is still a work in progress. Chickens have settled in. Got 15 eggs in 5 days ๐Ÿฅฐ.
A has started the pathway to autism diagnosis. We've had our 2 hr phone consultation and now waiting for more reports to go in, then it goes to panel and then he will have 2 face to face assessments. Good luck with that! On top of suspected autism, he also has social mutism and anxiety. They have said he will need to talk hahahahaha! I can really see that happening. I also won't be allowed in the assessment. Cant see it working to be honest.

Both older kids are enjoying doodle apps.. maths English spelling and tables. There is progression I can see. Austin progression is slower as he will not ask for help.

J is working a year above his peers in English and 2 yrs above in spelling. Hes on a par with peers for maths and tables.
 

ยท
Registered
Joined
ยท
2,242 Posts
Discussion Starter · #128 ·
Still getting to grips with this new set up.......

So, I've not been feeling right for ages now. Way before the pandemic started I asked my doctor to put ferrous fumerate on repeat. He refused. During the pandemic I emailed for him to put it on repeat. Advised him I have a very low iron diet and I needed those tablets to maintain my levels. Again he refused. 3 or 4 times I have asked, in writing. Each time a refusal. Needless to say I haven't had ferrous fumerate for 6 months plus. Yep, you guessed it, recent blood tests show my ferritin is down to 12.41. I was and am fuming. Letter of complaint written to practise manager. She responded within 24 hrs and I have an appt tomorrow with her and the doctor. Obviously, it will be a victim shaming exercise and utterly pointless, but hey ho!

I also wrote about the fact that 9 months ago I had an MRI test which showed early onset of osteoporosis and still he did nothing. No calcichew prescribed. Any normal person would realise that over the counter calcium tablets will not help me, but oh no! Course not. Because he is nhs. And I'm sorry, but nhs treat patients like they are morons. Like patients don't know their own bodies...... surely it would be more economical to prescribe me with high dose calcium than wait for me to break bones ???
So tomorrow will be pointless, but let's go through the motions anyway......

Because of the low ferritin result, I am now on steak ๐Ÿคฎ 4 times a week and spinach and kale ๐Ÿคฎ every day as well as any other leafy green, iron rich vegetables. I have got to try and get my levels up to around 150 in 5 months. Last time it took me 3 years, and I haven't got 3 years.

I also sent him a photocopy of my MTHFR diagnosis and some research including the risks I face. Absolutely nothing back from him.

Honestly, if I could afford to go private, I would. Bypass nhs completely. Sorry to any nhs workers (I'm sure you're good at your jobs) but the ones I've always had the misfortune of dealing with have absolutely no caring qualities at all. Nor common sense.......
Anyway ....

We have 6 chickens! Dominique, Wonky, Baby Girl, Phoenix, Dawson, and unnamed (can't see her personality yet). Dominique as she's dominant, Wonky for her wonky beak BabyGirl as shes spent time in the house when she was poorly, and she keeps wanting to come back to Mum (me) Dawson because my mind went Blankety Blank with her name so a tribute to Les Dawson game show. ๐Ÿ˜‚.

We now have a triple bed that DH built. X sleeps in the single part and I have my DH back in bed. I'm in the middle. Not always fun when I'm having the dreaded hot flushes.

Older boys are doing well. They spent all day off the Internet today and we did baking, raking, animal care, tag, (I watched dad and boys playing) laughter, fun. They cleaned their rooms in 20 minutes flat and had baths so they could have the Internet back at 8pm. All in all, a very good and productive day.
 

ยท
Registered
Joined
ยท
2,242 Posts
Discussion Starter · #129 ·
He has learned how to jump off things and forward roll. He is now saying 4 word sentences. He makes me laugh and makes me grrr in equal measure every day. He can count to 4 independently if he thinks no-one is listening. He's beginning to learn colours but not confidently yet. He loves play dough.
He can confidently use a saw now (always, always supervised). He has got over his fear of the drill and can now confidently drill screws into wood and unscrew them. He enjoys all carpentry hand tools. Always supervised.

He is learning to put 1 toy box away before getting his next toy box out. He tries to follow his brothers around and get them to play. It is tough for him as they are so much older than him.

He still misses Nanna. We changed Nanna's room into our bedroom (dining room) and he still calls it Nanna's room. He points at her photo daily and blows kisses at her.

He loves the chickens but is still quite scared of them. Likes to poke dandelion leaves through the run, but clings to me if he goes inside the run. However, they do like to peck him so it is understandable.

His favourite shows are Bing (God I hate Bing), Fifi the Flower Tot, Boss Baby and Moana. His favourite book is Pirate Jim.

He can now make sounds for cats, cows, sheep, pig, horse, lion, tiger and dogs. He's frightened of dogs as nearly every dog he has met has jumped up him.

He loves, loves, loves the bin lorry. Don't ask why, I have no idea. But every day he asks if it's bin day today. Got to love these little quirks.

He loves bouncing on the trampoline..

So grateful to have this little boy in my life.
 

ยท
Registered
Joined
ยท
2,242 Posts
Discussion Starter · #130 ·
Baby A is no longer a baby! I cannot believe it but he will be 3 in January.

He's talking, getting into lots of mischief, all day, every day. Loves Blippi, babybus, little angels and handyman hal. He has a really affinity with tools and machinery. Loves "reading" his dad's woodworking manuals.

I still miss my mum dreadfully. It gets worse as time goes on. At the moment I get really upset when I hear Ed Sheeran's Visiting Hours. Makes me sob all the way through, but I also can't bear to turn the song off as it feels disrespectul/disloyal. Yup messed up.

So Baby A and I went over to Greece for Embryo Transfer last week. The whole experience was awful. Wizzair/Athens airport lost my buggy. Then shrugged their shoulders when I tried to report my lost property. Brand new pushchair, bought specifically for the trip. The hotel Maria had booked us into didn't even have a kettle in the room. With a nearly 3 Yr old and a very busy main road there was no chance of us crossing the road safely to get food. So on the Friday, we ate a sandwich in the UK airport, pringles on the plane and basically crisps when we found a kiosk. He also has a milk allergy so biscuits, cakes, and everything else was excluded.

A very kind person off the support group read my desperate pleas for help, so she and her husband came and picked us up and took us to McDonald's. Was very grateful.

Saturday 2nd. As it turns out day 3 fresh embryo transfer.

Felt pushed into this.
The new clinic is beautiful. I will say that. I was in there for over 4 hrs with a nearly 3 Yr old. Nothing for him to do. I ended up downloading games on my phone for him. They only way they kept communicating with me was when I emailed them from the same room???? When I tried to speak to them personally, they were too busy or didn't understand me??

At one point I burst into tears in front of the midwife who was taking my bloods for progesterone test. She put her arms around and was very kind. She also did lateral flow test and a PCR test on me. She tried to get me calmer than I was feeling. By now, I was starting to have panic attacks. Toddler A was getting distraught as he was missing his dad. Wouldn't engage with anyone so when we got into the transfer room, A had to sit on the stool next to my bed. The only highlight was Penny coming to meet A. Transfer was done in a matter of minutes and I missed the "flash" on the screen as I was dealing with A. I got a photo though. Standard.

Afterwards, A was put on my bed while I was to lie down afterwards for 20 minutes. 10 minutes in, A starts saying " I need a wee!". So as I couldn't call anyone to take him to the toilet, I got off and took him to the toilet. We still hadn't eaten by this point. It must have been 3pm.

After that I was told I had to walk down a long street (very busy road) to get cash out to pay for some more meds. That was quite frightening.

By this point, both A and I had had enough. Git the money, paid them and then they said they would calk a taxi to take me back. The taxi that turned up didn't know where the hotel was and didn't speak English. I then had to go back in and get them to come and instruct him. He eventually found the hotel on his satnav and took us back. His meter said โ‚ฌ2.94 but he charged me โ‚ฌ5. I didn't argue.

Got in the hotel and asked for 2 slices of bread for A. She said it had better be for him and no more than 2 slices or I could cross the road and go to the bakery. She supplied me with a knife. So he was able to have 2 slices of bread and jam (which I had stolen from breakfast). I had had what equates to a cup of muesli in the morning.

By now the panic attacks are coming thick and fast. Breathing was difficult. So I thought screw it, I'm booking flights for today and we're going home. That was fun! NOT! Panic attacks while trying to fill out PLF, book and pay for flights and get my covid test results from Serum. With help from the same lady on the previous evening, I managed to sort it all. Booked clinic driver to take us to the airport. At one point I nearly passed out because the panic attacks were that bad.

Got to the airport and fell to pieces. The lady at check in actually let me off paying for my suitcase to go in the hold as she could see just how panicked and upset I was getting.

Through customs no problem. On the plane. No problem. 4 panic attacks on the plane. My friend in the UK had thankfully paid for a taxi to pick us up from Luton to bring us home. I paid her back on the Monday.

Needless to say, I feel this last cycle ever, is a bust. Very high stress levels all the way through. Can't have been good for the embryos. Otd is 15th. No doubt it will be a bfn. No doubt at all.

I have been having cramps since D1P3DT, but it really doesn't mean anything. Sore boobs. Progesterone. Slight nausea on smells (minced beef cooking ๐Ÿคฎ) Progesterone. That's gone now though.
All in all, very upset, all round.
 

ยท
Registered
Joined
ยท
2,242 Posts
Discussion Starter · #131 ·
Whispering 6dp3dt no trigger shot. Faint BFP.

Stunned!
 

ยท
Registered
Joined
ยท
2,242 Posts
Discussion Starter · #132 ·
So bloods for hcg and progesterone came back yesterday hcg 441. Prog 34.4. Penny has said I need to take the usual pessaries vaginally z4 times a day and then 2 pesaaries orally at night. I did it for the first time last night and because of the thought process, it made me feel really ill. Tonight, didn't give it too much though and just swallowed them. Penny had also said if I didn't do it, she would prescribe progesterone in oil injections. Hell No! I've Watched YouTube videos on how painful they are. So swallowing 2 bombs per night it is.

Next bloods on Monday. Results Tuesday.
 
121 - 132 of 132 Posts
Top